i love food hacks. it's just cooking but calling it a hack allows you to feel like you're getting away with something. a sort of counterfeit deceit.

Rage of the Penguin

if you wouldn't fuck george costanza at his tonsure, then you sure as hell don't deserve him at his fade.

i want to write a fantasy novel that includes arguments between the editor and the author about the content

going a bit kookoo looking at the basics of vietnamese phonetics

i thought u loved being tormented in the pain chasm 😔

biffo feet pics

(pushing around cavalry and footsoldier miniatures on a map of nevada) our warriors ride on the burning man encampment come morning

you either get busy pickin or get busy grinnin

i have to go back to my people. a race of cowboys known as the marlboro men. i'm sorry to have disquieted your town with my outlaw ways.

you either get busy picklin or get busy brinin

shoot for the moon and we'll get your ass. leave the moon alone 😤

the girls go crazy bout a shot dead man

petting my clairvoyant dog and immediately hearing some bull shit from my most intolerable ancestors

Fuckin’ lizard!

Can’t sleep? Simple methods that work: • study hurricane forecast • who hates me • what did i forget • relive supreme humiliation • win 12-yr-old argument • buried alive? could happen • what i did vs should have done • dead people i miss • what if i’m bad • why do i say stuff • what’s my fuckin deal

If I had to live my entire life all over again, I'd complain a lot more. Mainly about the “living my entire life all over again” aspect of things

always a bit scared that a room i'm not familiar with might turn out to be a jamiroquai room

Do not go willy into that good nilly

sequel to Her where it turns out Joaquin's a.i. girlfriend was me with a voice changer in the next room getting off on rugpulling him big time.

elves get a bad wrap. yes, yes, we wrap them up in a carpet with duct tape and toss them into the river.

we're torturing the soul trapped in gwyneth paltrow's jade pussy egg with evil prayers

there is a soul trapped in gwyneth paltrow's jade pussy egg

my cult has started malevolent prayers in the direction of gwyneth paltrow's jade egg

miley cyrus created the song wrecking ball to make it difficult for guys like me to find antique wrecking balls for purchase

Minions creator confirms they would rape but were created "smooth down there"

smilin and guilin

gamers are resilient gamers are kind if you are a gamer we're two of one mind

books make your head big and then no one will love you

indiana jones giving up and blasting a turkish ice cream vendor

i stopped playing video games after i stabbed the heart of lorkhan, what more is there to do

bro…are you ok…your dialogue text is jiggling

credit to google for finding a use for that bumblefuck word

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

was that a rictus grin. did you just rictus grin at me. i'm pretty sure i know a rictus grin when i see one.

replacing your child with biffo

i have developed a new meditation technique i call it sitting with vengeful wrath

smokin the strain of weed that made joe sleepy

mad how the defining cultural image of Steamboat Willie is Mickey whistling and driving the boat, and not the bit where he plays a pig's nipples as a musical instrument while it shrieks in pain

Big Dumb has changed the game on stupid.

Big Dumb doesn't like us questioning why were so stupid

alien: how do you know when to use your face like that. how do you know when to bring the cup to your mouth and drink.

the Shotyssey Continues

shot myself awake (i'm awake now)

if you squeezed together all my ass cheeks you would probably have a scant quarter cup of ass in your hands

shot the active part of my brain so i can sleep (i'm asleep)

i shot a toilet for being too noisy (draining noise. can't figure out how to stop it)

shot the devil (don't like bad guys)

i shot god to become the ultimate gangster