accidentally left my Totally Normal Slitting Saw Assembly out during an apartment viewing, how embarrassing

idiot needed pepsi so bad he fell into the glass lmoa

*me, had a couple, looking out the window of an uber * they’re going to crucify people here one day *my partner, nervously glancing at uber driver* oh?

standing next to someone else’s blue car, hitting the fob unlock button over and over, idly wondering where the rust and dents in my door went

québécois guy who groans “ohh zut alors” as he cums

The Equerry of Horus Lupercal, Maloghurst the Twisted, called this on account of his remarkable corkscrewing penis

let’s smell paul allen’s dick

cui bono? latin for “who is bono?”

got certified to operate the laser welder. a potent yet subtle instrument

pretty sure i just saw a guy pissing at a urinal try to spit into the urinal mid-stream and only succeed in spitting on his own dick, eliciting a sad sigh

big ups to whoever thought of making the shower jet nozzles out of silicone so you don’t need to bust out the CLR when they get all limescaled up

tired: hall and oates wired: ball and scrotes

CANADIANS: YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW TO TELL THE GOVERNMENT HOW MUCH YOU HATE BRIGHT HEADLIGHTS

the first time i worried about my (hungarian) mother’s aging mental state was when she couldn’t remember what the treaty of trianon was or why she is pissed off about it

snuffling and snorfing and bumping into the walls of the bathroom stall to mislead potential assailants into thinking i am some type of unpredictable megafauna

someone saw me reading the Candy Land wiki page for Lord Licorice on my phone at work. thinking of proactively approaching HR to manage the situation

*in tiktok guy voice* whoever invented gay sex is truly a genius

*counts on fingers* two out of however many ain’t bad

by god.....hes gonna split the ato

the bird sidled up to me, ripped a scab off my finger and ate it. thanks man

i have modified the milk ingredients. pray i do not modify them further

any day you make art is definitionally a good day

growing older and more mature means realizing things like “the performances in das boot actually kind of suck, why’d they all get coached into such ridiculous overacting”

shower bagel didn’t work so well. fuck

As an aside US missiles need ammonium perchlorate. The only domestic source is a facility in Cedar City, Utah US missiles also need RDX & HMX. The only domestic source is a facility in Kingsport, Tennessee US missiles also need engines. The only domestic source is a facility in Pontiac, Michigan

love switching to “wake me up immediately if anybody sets off a nuclear weapon” household conditions. if i pretend im on the security council maybe i’ll feel like i have a little more control over anything. who can say, let’s give it a shot

forgot to drop acid over the easter long weekend. real rookie move. otoh: overcontemplating the crucifixion on said acid

Arthur in Michael Clayton: (pacing around kitchen after manic swing) fuck, I’m not gonna be able to finish all this bread

every time i take a piss i think about The Flowing Bowl, a tavern from the elder scrolls Oblivion. the piss in the toilet? that’s a flowing bowl. i assume i am cursed to experience this until i die

Whoa!

@guntoucher.bsky.social new round of huffy and i mumbling “foaming pipe snake” at one another, just for the delightful mouthfeel. thank y ou….

Can i interest you in a spiritually-nourishing public batroom

Everything is terrible, but Koyaanisqatsi is streaming for free on YouTube.

kagi translate has demonstrated its value

If you’re looking to wholesome alternatives to Harry Potter my I suggest the loving and imaginative world of Warhammer 40K

salad spinners are so funny. let's make the vegetables go real fast

if you’ve got busting on your mind / touch your dick, get it over / jack your shit, get it over / if you’ve got nutting on your mind

Kurosawa on watching Solaris with Tarkovsky

so if i have this correctly: we've substantially increased the value of Iran's primary export we've made it legal to buy that export for the first time in 30 years and we've made it such that only safe way through the strait is to make a deal with iran masterful gambit

captain corelli’s pangolin. is this anything

this really is what it’s like

figured out how to make stickers out of pics of the birds and it’s immediately paying dividends in the chat

Man look at this photo of Toshiro Mifune this is out of control

treat yourself. roll some matching hand towels up and stack them in a neat little pyramid by your computer. it’s like you’re at a spa every time you jack off

really getting sick of these guys