wild to think that my phoning in papers by writing them in a panic hours before they were due will appear to future generations like I trained in the 500x gravity chamber from Dragon Ball Z

do you think there are any spiders with human houses tattooed on their elbows

at a certain age, a man stops jumping and starts jomping

yes. YES

i studied osteology at the sore bones in paris. i guess they teach other subjects there, too

i think i should be allowed to hunt the cricket wireless creatures for sport. and im running for president

Knicks have a solid 20-somethings NY dude crew: 3 guys who met in college in Philly, one of their high school friends from Jersey, and a guy who is inexplicably from England

(a new object is placed in my enclosure) damn new object just dropped (I glance disparagingly over at yesterday's object) lol y'all still thinking about this huh

i like this because it looks like they are dancing. godzilla and gezora i love your love

this year, i resolve to honk *with* bobo

Watching Victor Wembanyama

A friend of mine who was TA’ing for an AmLit course found a copy of Moby Dick a student had left behind. It had only one marginal annotation, around page 100, that simply said “whale is important.”

no, i'm actually *not* sorry i dream-shaked your elderly mother. yes, what I thought was the "too small" gesture was in fact her telling your nephew how tall he'd been at three years old. but ball is ball.

they got it right when they named gerbils. little guys over there gerbin'

I forgot I downloaded this

ISAAC CHOTINER: So, this manga about the little dinosaur is called Gon? Me: By Masashi Tanaka, yeah. CHOTINER: This is badass. Thanks for showing this to me. Me: No problem.

Jim, Jimmy, James, Jemima, Jim 2, Jom

I think CD-i might be the best console

with the first pick in the 2026 draft, the washington wizards have selected me, a perfectly nice guy. reached for comment, general manager will dawkins said, "it's willie time."

[at the last judgment] JESUS: And the baby prisons? EVANGELICALS: to own the libs, right JESUS: And the libs, who are they EVANGELICALS: uh mostly illegal aliens. if we really hate a pretty girl we call her fatherless. some widows JESUS: Alien, fatherless, widow, got it. So you see these millstones

hmm, so this has been stuck in my head for days

Just wanna post this

You are a skilful and trusted vizier. You will advise me wisely on how best to rule the kingdom. You will not scheme or plot. You will not inveigle my other courtiers into turning against me. You will not lie to me about scheming or plotting. If you scheme or plot against me, you have to tell me,

In THIS HOUSE GAR is a fuel that goes in a FLAR A planet's ROTATION is how long its DAY BE We watch PG MOVIES on the ROKU

you, a fool: lol 'meg gala.' some copyeditor is in deep shit tn me, wise: Margaret Gala. in the year 2026

*trying to fit in at the gym* yeah i'm trying to get jam arms before summer "what?" tryna get those jarms "like you're trying to get strong enough to open jam jars?" arms like jam. jam arms

(“Dream Police” by Cheap Trick) Hasheem Thabeet he lives inside of my head.

trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's a European diplomat: me: where'd daddy go? baby: we must articulate a post-daddy vision of strategic autonomy me: peekaboo! baby: my historic relationship with my father is stable despite recent troubles

I studied abroad in Galway and played for the (club) basketball team. At a party, my 18-year-old teammate drank a bottle of Buckfast then pulled me aside and screamed "YER MAN MICHAEL BUBLÉ'S *SAVAGE*" directly into my ear

Work & Study With The Pest 🪲 - Pest Rap 🛀🏻 Ambient 10 Hour Loop - Binaural Beats

THE MERCHANT

it's not just hasan piker. the media is going after other streamers now

skyrockets in flight don't email my wife

I think about “your internet-assembled philosophy” all the time

lmao

What’s the over/under on calories in Scott’s burrito bowl? Will Jamal go for pinto or black beans? And what time will Kate suffer a debilitating bout of diarrhea? The new Chipotle x DraftKings app. Where every meal matters more. [Gambling problem? Diarrhea? Call 1800 GAMBLERWITHDIARRHEA]

This YT stop motion channel that I love just dropped a ton of mesmerizing new stuff

carving this into a gleaming black monolith outside Yucca Mountain

So close!! That is a shape 💖

every day i have to read something new like "Kick streamer J0N_Gendd3r reveals daily regimen of dexedrine, barbituates and aerosolized mouse farts." i don't want to live this way. i dont want it

Last month in The Onion:

how do you, amazon, a company with like a trillion dollars, not simply have a guy somewhere that says "idk man" when an OT game is about to get cut off. what is the point of all that money

12TH CENTURY FRENCH REDNECK LOOKING AT A CATAPULT ABOUT TO INVENT THE TREBUCHET: y’all ever put a rope on that thing

you've been visited by Uncle Gregory. hit RT and he will sit around listlessly. hit like and he will also sit around listlessly. he is going through something