JERRY: She's a ten! But the mole… ELAINE: That's it? A mole?? JERRY: A ten can't have a mole! GEORGE: A nine…? A nine could have a mole… [Maya Angelou enters, applause] MAYA ANGELOU: See to the slickness of your floor, Jerome. Easily I could slip coming through the door as swiftly as I've just done.

this summer, The Odyssey, starring Bob Odyssey

not gonna pass up the opportunity to mention that Jahidi/Jahadi White realized recently that he'd been misspelling his own name his whole life heavy.com/sports/nba/w...

trapped in the jamiroquai room again. was eat soup and it sloshed everywhere. tried to mop it up with his big terrycloth hat and he got so mad

NOW THAT'S A GOOD FRIDAY

discovered a new fun flavor of "oh god they're mad at me" today when my CPA got really mad at me

moby-dick, his eyes enormous: from hell's heart you STAB at moby? for hate's sake you spit your last BREATH at moby? oh! oh! the great shroud of the sea for ahab! the great shroud of the sea rolling on as it rolled five thousand years ago!!!!

before you embark on a journey of revenge, make two gravies

The only screen time discourse I’m interested in

hont dogs

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have is a very based son named Saxon. He unironically ordered a cheeseburger in an omakase setting."

*walking out of town and I suddenly grow 500 feet tall* ah fuck am i on the world map? the music's different

Built out an “Oops All Cuttino Mobleys” starting five in a group chat with @williefitz.bsky.social. PG: Jameer Nelson SG: Cuttino Mobley SF: Hedo Turkoglu PF: Theo Ratliff C: Chris Kaman All players must meet objective standards to align with Cutinno while also having an ineffable level of guyness

me: how do you call the teeth workman? my buddy Serious Moe: I told you to stop pretending you don't speak fluent English me: jontist

How can you not be romantic about broadcasting

Orbin Hood. robin hood but perfectly spherical. alright, thanks

🎵the world is a vampire / im gonna ride it all night long 🎵

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007)

they were right to banish him. for his crimes

One of the greatest bollard walks in history. #WorldBollardAssociation

person in charge of arranging the cocaine packs: *sniff* gotta be ... gotta be STRAIGHT rows *sniff* s-six inches beTWEEN the packs *sniff*

Emerald Fennell think she Sofia Coppola, Sofia Coppola think she Francis Ford Coppola, Francis Ford Coppola think he the Hamburglar

new Strip Law clip where we thoughtfully and respectfully grapple with the legacy of one of the titans of animation that came before us

WANG CHUNG: Everybody have lunch tonight DEEP VOICE: Everybody have lunch tonight

corporal: any last words before you face the firing line? me: does the looney tunes theme need to be playing on repeat? corporal: ... yes. (to his men) ready!

Arizona student brutally BOB-MOGGED

NEW SHORT STORY FROM ME, about a Medieval priest haunted by a talking greyhound that may or may not be the devil. Available only if you subscribe to @flaminghydra.com, so if you ain’t a member yet, here’s your sign from god:

Johnny Paycheck after 14 beers: I climb UP, on

Time to dust off a classic

going back in time to get loaded with the boys in a medieval tavern. after a month of regaling them with stories from the future they give me an engraved tankard: Futur William as fyne a liar as eer was I die of dysentery a week later

Jacked actor named Richard Gear

Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Calling a frog on the toad phone.

to this day, jay's dad driving through "guernica" with a monster truck and saying, scornfully, "take that, *guernica*" remains one of the funniest things i've ever seen

stephen root's character looks like Jay Sherman's dad if he ran a 70s porn studio and I think that's beautiful

greg bovino stepped out from under his designated magnifying glass and they just plain lost him

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

getting a print sub to the onion for my birthday made my year significantly better. my personal favorite joke was one of their fake ads:

For me, 2025 will always be the year I was on a whisky distillery tour in the Inner Hebrides and put my hand in my pocket and found a balled-up straw wrapper and started playing with it and was like “wait, when did I last use a straw?” and then the straw wrapper stung me because it was a large bee

actually these are DeVille-ed eggs. boiled em in the radiator of my uncle's cadillac

"those who can, *doot*; those who can't, teach" - me mocking my trumpet instructor

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

a human is just a jailbroken monkey