NEW SHORT STORY FROM ME, about a Medieval priest haunted by a talking greyhound that may or may not be the devil. Available only if you subscribe to @flaminghydra.com, so if you ain’t a member yet, here’s your sign from god:

Johnny Paycheck after 14 beers: I climb UP, on

Time to dust off a classic

going back in time to get loaded with the boys in a medieval tavern. after a month of regaling them with stories from the future they give me an engraved tankard: Futur William as fyne a liar as eer was I die of dysentery a week later

Jacked actor named Richard Gear

Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Calling a frog on the toad phone.

to this day, jay's dad driving through "guernica" with a monster truck and saying, scornfully, "take that, *guernica*" remains one of the funniest things i've ever seen

stephen root's character looks like Jay Sherman's dad if he ran a 70s porn studio and I think that's beautiful

greg bovino stepped out from under his designated magnifying glass and they just plain lost him

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

getting a print sub to the onion for my birthday made my year significantly better. my personal favorite joke was one of their fake ads:

For me, 2025 will always be the year I was on a whisky distillery tour in the Inner Hebrides and put my hand in my pocket and found a balled-up straw wrapper and started playing with it and was like “wait, when did I last use a straw?” and then the straw wrapper stung me because it was a large bee

actually these are DeVille-ed eggs. boiled em in the radiator of my uncle's cadillac

"those who can, *doot*; those who can't, teach" - me mocking my trumpet instructor

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

a human is just a jailbroken monkey

i resent having to know anything about or read anything by megan mcardle, whose name sounds like the noise you'd make if you got punched in the stomach while gargling

we're like two months out from a gene-editing company calling itself Sephiroth

I sent this video to my friend and she got mad at me

ants: nature's fellas

achieving peak Home for Christmas: reading a book about the history of longitude and eating almost nothing but bread and cheese

DVD is short for "Da ViDeo"

Shout out to my road dogg Pot Bear

slym jym

each option is funnier than the last

Jodie Foster: They should have sent a poet Poet: Aliens ahoy! A galactic sight. When you’re in space all day is night

"making up a guy to pander to," endemic in the pundit class

*indecisive zz top ordering at a bakery voice*: give me all your muffins all your scones and biscuits too

go ahead, get mad about men and "method" acting. I'm over here dedicated to "me thod" acting (school of acting developed by caveman named Thod)

Heres a simple trick even an idiot can do Make a pot of coffee, boil up a bunch of hot dogs in there. You got yourself a feed of jitter dogs. Simple

this is a list of the words that all three Beastie Boys shout on an unreleased song, which drove everyone who listened to it to madness

ME: I just feel like—like, you’re really on my back about this. GF: We’re trying to *save* money! ME: This was important! THE THEREMIN PLAYER I HIRED TO FOLLOW ME AROUND FOR THE DAY: vvzzzzzZZwweeeEEEEEEEEEooooooOOOOO ME: OK, really not helping, Eric.

Hath Milord any GAMES upon his PHONE?

Bobby Bolaño get your country ass in here this minute

honkin on bobo

[dune voice]: i must not fear. fear is a real bummer

what you hear while kirby is beating you senseless for taking his strawberry shortcake or whatever

my personal fav

Now That's What I Call Not A Pipe!

your Disney AI porn jokes disgust me. I for one am going to create a series of short films in which Mickey tricks Goofy into taking several devastating predatory loans. Goofy, destitute and hopeless, knows even death is not an escape, bc he lives forever in the prison of American memory.

Looking to spread some yuletide cheer with my new song “Big Nick Christmas”