This is the most action I’ve had on online since posting cleavage on Twitter in 2022.

Maybe we don’t need next day delivery. Maybe ignoring or stepping over dead bodies to make Amazon warehouse deadlines is in fact, bad.

you should be able to chat with the fbi agent assigned to read your text messages. what kind of content is he into?

Name four non-person things that make your life livable: 1. meds 2. speech to text accessibility 3. cats plural 4. sunblock

… right into the bin with this take 🗑️

It is so disjointed to have my health thriving for the first time in 14 years only to have the world collapse. It’s like yay, well shit.

Isolate, Inebriate, Intimidate, Repeat 95.1% of men report via an anonymous survey to using tactics to force or coerce sex with women they knew were not interested.

Now it makes sense why they wanted to ban sex education, preached abstinence to teens and support forced birth. If your nation’s population growth model relies on accidental teen pregnancy & forced birth your country has a much much MUCH larger problem and 100% deserves population collapse.

Took dad, 80, for skin cancer surgery. Again. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been through this. Wear sunscreen. Fuck cancer.

AZRAEL WAS NOT AN EVIL CAT. ANY CAT WOULD CHASE AND EAT SMURFS.

It’s been one week since I adopted the cats and these little shits have replaced my children in the order of succession to my vast fortune & lands. Also a subaru. The change in my couch. The couch.

I am not even kidding, I just proposed Matthew Peanut Lillard would be an excellent name for my adopted cat and Matthew Lillard hit the news being an American treasure again.

You sent Katy Perry into space

Real Avignon Papacy is from the Avignon region of France, otherwise it is just sparkling threats against the Pope’s legitimacy.

Electric scooter wipeout in front of my house and five adults walked by a little boy bleeding and crying. He is maybe 8 years old. I hope all five get burrowing mites.

it's actually the trolley problem's monster

"I can not believe America has becom--" bitch, we have Andrew Jackson on our money. our default money. the only money the bank robot knows how to hand out.

That's one way to phrase it, i guess

This day felt like spending a day with an ex, on eggshells waiting for the next explosion.

in persian culture, telling someone "we're going to kill you all" is considered deeply offensive

I’m using the fuck out of my Calm app.

You are a senator.

This is the face of a lunar scientist who has just been told that the #Artemis II crew saw SEVERAL impact flashes (the flashes when meteors hit the lunar surface) in real time 😃 🌓💥

Is it okay to count all this as "one sticker"?

So I hate the bot swarms here. Sucks to see them and to see people responding to them.

Why (derogatory)

Not added to any lists since “Occasionally Funny” in December, but it implies the existence of a “Frequently Not Funny” list i’ve managed to avoid.

I’m going to dedicate my life to throat-punching & publicly shaming people who think compounded glp1 is “junk” and make sure they are aired out as stupid fear mongering dipshits. Glp1 isn’t just for weight loss or diabetes.

Last night me was so hot for setting up today’s coffee. I’m the best husband/wife team ever. *slaps own ass*

A coworker yesterday mentioned that she only found out we were currently in a war because she googled “why are gas prices getting so high”

One day, "It" will happen, by which I mean sudden and unexpected news that you want to celebrate. In such cases, you will want the right outfit. 🧵

In light of the conversation about how hard it is to promote your own book: Post a link to buy your book here and I’ll boost it cause you destroyed yourself to get it done, your publisher won’t help you sell it, and you deserve cheers and admiration for your accomplishment.

Weird how differentialy sentimental I am about clothing. I don’t give a fuck about pants. Shirts have souls, but only button ups. Jackets are basically people, but hoodies I’ll toss in the trash without hesitation.

Now that I’m T-1 hour to go pick up the kitties I can’t stop seeing all the things they can get into that aren’t young cat-proofed.

I was vetted ☺️ I get to bring them home. A grey tabby girl and a himbo (orange boy)

Sleeping Beauty: Kissing without consent is assault and you should be jailed Prince Charming: Oh shit she’s woke

Oh no he’s going to ruin ICE’s reputation.

Anyway, I’m being vetted to adopt a bonded pair of cats, 18mo old siblings. Their owner sadly died unexpectedly this week and the sweeties are so stressed out. I might have them by the weekend. Shitty week, but the kitten distribution system found us. 🩷

The Roaring Twenties but it's more of a screaming

I’ve said "and welcome to Jackass" twice before 10am.

It feels rushed but I know nothing of rockets and spaceships, we are minus ten to launch and I feel like I’m going to throw up I’m so nervous for them

Today was a really bad, shitty day. If I had a husband, I’d send him to slay today’s dragons for me. I can do it solo, i’m just a misandrist and think more men should to be eaten by dragons.

My hobby is just like anyone’s, sewing scrap gold jewelry into the lining of my coat for the run on the banks.

In all seriousness though, elder millennial jokes aside, I think it’s important to resist the media framing of any mainstream resistance to the status quo as just the shrill nonsense of middle-aged women with nothing better to do. This isn’t the first time they’ve run out this playbook.

Filling a neti pot with liquid drano as my mind is rather fraught.

Co-signed

I think we should start carrying briefcases again. I want men to look like they do something at work other than fall upward. Enter briefcases. I want women to claim 1980’s luxury c-suite leather goods for both street and office style. Bonus, it’s a melee weapon.

Happy 58th birthday to Lucy Lawless, who has always understood the assignment.