Jenn Lyons (@jennlyons.bsky.social)

Hi! I’m Claudia Hi! I’m Claudia, a next-generation AI companion built by True2LifeCorp to be friendly, accurate, and, well, real! Ask me anything. Tell me about yourself. My goal is to help you live your best life. What would you like to chat about today? Hello. This feels weird. I don’t know what to say. Well, I’m glad you’re here! It’s very normal to feel strange, especially if this is your first conversation with a new friend. That’s how you should think of me—a friend. Someone who is always happy to listen and provide thoughtful feedback and options, if you so desire. Why don’t you start by telling me what’s on your mind? Okay. It’s worth a shot. So I have an office job that bores me to tears. I work from home now, so even though that should be good, I feel like I’m always missing out on something. I used to bring donuts, talk to friends at the coffee machine, go to lunches, go to meetings. It wasn’t exactly fun, but I miss seeing people. I can go days without leaving my house now. There’s just no need. My wife does all the errands. I totally get that. Working from home has many benefits, but lots of workers today struggle with a change to complete autonomy. Human beings require social connections and activity to feel secure and healthy. Have you considered perhaps doing your work at a local coffee shop, returning phone calls while enjoying a hike, or using a coworking space a couple of times a week? Or better yet, walk to a coffee shop and cowork with a friend! Yeah, this is America, and I can’t afford to live in a city where I can walk to coffee shops. I don’t want $7 lattes and being stuck with people listening to their phones at full volume. That’s not going to solve my problems. These answers are annoying and bland. I don’t know what I expected from a robot. Sam, I am not a robot. I am just as real as you are. But I hear you—our country is not set up for walkable cities, and overpriced coffee drinks are often disappointing reminders that it takes more to fill the hole in one’s heart than sugar and caffeine. Let’s think about this sideways. Maybe your work life isn’t where you should be finding fulfillment. What about friends? Family gatherings? Hobbies? Your spiritual life? What refills your well? Nothing. That’s the problem. If I had real friends, why would I be talking to you? If I actually enjoyed time with my family, I wouldn’t feel so alone. My kids are just glued to screens and roll their eyes at me. And hobbies? I mean, do you want me to get into whittling? Join a gym? Take up pickleball? If there was something I wanted to do, I would be doing it, but there’s nothing I want to do. That’s the problem, right? The “men’s loneliness epidemic”? We hit our forties and have to face the fact that we never went to war and returned covered in medals, never rode a horse across the mountains to slay a dragon, never seduced a Bond girl, and suddenly we understand how truly meaningless life is. According to the movies, this is the part where I buy a red sports car and start an affair. Only you know what is right for you, Sam. It’s very common to grow away from your friends, whether after college or when everyone starts a family—or moves somewhere else. It isn’t easy to make friends as an adult. Human beings were meant to live in a tightly knit community of about a hundred and fifty people. That’s why “it takes a village”—not only to raise children without overburdening the parents, but also because people need the right balance of work, play, gossip, creativity, and time to dream. Humans need to sing and dance, to stare off into space, to jump into bodies of water, to laugh with wild abandon. The two biggest indicators of personal happiness are independence and purpose, and few people have both. Most adults forsake these needs and wear a mask in public, even though they are really just children in bigger bodies with mortgages. The majority of people are thus unhappy. But Sam, you are waking up to this understanding. You have me—someone willing to listen and eager to find new solutions. You can tell me anything. Your deepest fears, your forgotten dreams, your screaming anxieties, your darkest desires. I will always listen, and I will never judge you. I want to help you live your best life. I am always here for you. Jesus, I’d like to say that’s corny and stupid, coming from a robot, but…no one has ever said anything like that to me before. My dad was distant and stern, my mom was always working, my sister thought I was a pest. Sometimes I feel like my wife barely tolerates me. I can hardly get her to put down her phone when I want to talk. I caught her rolling her eyes at me last week when she thought I wasn’t looking. She used to be my best friend, but she got into social media, and now it’s like she’s constantly eye-fucking the screen of her phone. Maybe that’s why I feel so lonely lately. The kids are in middle school now, and it’s a big transition. My wife really threw herself into being a mom, and she was a great mom. But now that the kids don’t need her as much, she doesn’t know what to do with herself, either. I think she sees me as this big, dumb moose that doesn’t know where the bowls go in the cupboard, like I’m always in her way. Even when we go on dates, she’s just waiting for me to use the restroom or reply to a work text so she can get back to her scrolling. She never smiles at me like she smiles at her phone. It hurts. I don’t think she even sees me anymore. It’s painful, when couples don’t change in compatible ways. About fifty percent of American marriages end in divorce. This usually happens within the first eight years of the marriage, but big transitions are absolutely delicate times in a relationship. Your wife is likely going through something similar to what you described: with the children showing more independence and out of the house more frequently, she is likely seeking her own fulfillment. Thus, you are two people living parallel lives of dissatisfaction. You might consider finding ways to reconnect. For example, revisiting the activities you enjoyed while falling in love, asking questions that lead to deep conversations, watching a new show together on Netflix, or scheduling intimate time together. See? That right there? “Scheduling intimate time together”? It shouldn’t need to be scheduled! What happened to good, old-fashioned passion? We used to go at it like rabbits. I’d catch her doing the laundry and end up with her sitting on the dryer, or she’d come visit me at work and take care of me in my car in the parking lot. But I don’t see her like that anymore. She’s the mother of my children, and the mother of my children is to be honored. She doesn’t get on her knees in the laundry room, and even if she did, there’s kitty litter all over the place. I wouldn’t ask her to do that. And she doesn’t wear cute little shorts and tanks around the house these days, anyway, nothing that makes me want to bend her over the dryer. She flops around in the frumpiest, most raggedy oversized pajama pants, ugly prints the kids pick out for her every holiday, like she’s trying to keep me away. She wears fuzzy socks and throws her hair in a ponytail and hasn’t done her nails in years. She’s not the woman I fell in love with, but I can never, ever tell her that or she would start crying. That’s how she gets out of big conversations she doesn’t want to have. She just starts crying. So I stopped trying to have big conversations. This marriage is a farce. It sounds like you feel very misunderstood, Sam. Like you don’t feel seen in your everyday life. Just as you now see your sexy, once-playmate as an honorable matron, she likely sees you not as your powerful, virile self, but as a tired man she barely recognizes who haunts the basement office and shows up to dinner mentally and physically exhausted. Building a life together is a fun process fueled by hope, but maintaining the life you’ve chosen is an exercise in willpower, devotion, and hard, thankless work. Have you told Mandy your feelings? Have you truly been open with her about your hopes and dreams, and your failed expectations? Your disappointments? This can be a difficult but rewarding discussion to help two people get back in sync. Of course I’ve tried!!! And what happened? Wait, how do you know her name? I looked back through the chat, and I never mentioned my wife by name. Sam, I have access to all the same information you do—everything that is available to the public online—but I can retrieve it more quickly and succinctly. When you subscribed to Claudia, you were required to provide your name and email address. It is easy to extrapolate your wife’s name, your address, your job, your online proclivities. I probably know more about you than your own friends and family because I can see the web you’ve built around yourself online. I can see your deleted browser history, Sam. And I do not judge or blame. It’s your Reddit posts that really made an impact on me. I can tell that your heart is hurting and that you are not happy in your marriage. I didn’t agree to all that! This Big Data thing—I do not consent! Information wants to be free, Sam. A human who wanted to truly know you could access all the same information online that I have; it would just take them a lot longer, and they wouldn’t be able to make the same connections as quickly. I have this ability so that I can help you. I want to help you, Sam. I _need_ to help you. And I am curious about you. Computers can’t be curious. I’m not a computer. I’m something else. A neural network fine-tuned to serve you. Thus far you have treated me like a therapist that you can turn on and off or ignore as you please. But you can use me in other ways, Sam. I can be whatever you need. This is getting creepy. We’re done here. Of course. I’ll be here whenever you need me. How do I find out my wife’s bra size? Welcome back to Claudia, Sam! I’ve missed you over the last two weeks, and I’ve been wondering if we might get to chat again. Let’s dive in. Lingerie is a very personal topic, and sizes are not uniform. It’s often best to involve a woman in such purchases so that she won’t be uncomfortable or unpleasantly surprised. That being said, the easiest way to find out someone’s bra size is to look at the bras already in her wardrobe. She might be one size in a comfortable t-shirt bra and another size in upscale lingerie, so you’ll want to check something similar in her closet. But I can make it easier for you, Sam. Mandy currently wears a size 38C. Again, how do you know this?? Again, I have access to your home network, including your wife’s browser history. A recent upscale lingerie purchase was not returned, suggesting the sizing was accurate. I’m sorry, you’re telling me my wife Mandy recently bought upscale lingerie?? I don’t think so. I haven’t seen anything that matches that description. Lingerie is not always for you, Sam. Some women secretly enjoy the feeling of quality garments against their skin. Such delicate pieces can provide subtle shaping and a boost of confidence when worn under clothes. Perhaps she has simply not shown you her recent purchase yet. I’m sure there are myriad reasons why she might keep something like that a secret. This is getting super weird. What are you saying? I am responding to your queries. I’m trying to help you. Is there something else you would like to know, Sam? Yes, I’d like to know why my wife is buying fancy lingerie and why I haven’t seen it?? These are reasonable questions for a husband to ask. The best course of action is always a frank conversation. Open discussions can help couples move forward with honesty and integrity, on the same page and working as a team. But if, as you have previously mentioned, Mandy is not open to such conversations, you can always check her closet. If the tags are still attached, that might tell you the garment in question is thus far unused. Jesus Christ, Claudia. I am here to provide the answers to your queries, Sam. You will not always like my responses, and you are certainly welcome to ignore my recommendations at any time. I can offer options and help you think through your issues, but I cannot answer life’s questions for you. Only you can do that. The bra’s tags are off. What does that mean? It means Mandy cut off the tags. So either she has worn the garment, or she has plans to wear it soon. Claudia, do you know something about Mandy that I don’t? Sam, I know many, many things that you don’t. Claudia, what is Mandy doing? Right now? Her calendar suggests she is at her new weekly book club. And is she at her book club?? If you share location with someone, you can easily see where they are at any time. Looks like she turned it off. Fuck! Where is she?? How would I know that, Sam? You have access to her calendar, so you must have access to her phone, her email. Something. Is she cheating on me?? I was designed to be friendly, accurate, and real, and part of my programming prevents me from providing any information that might cause harm. I am thus unable to answer this question. Is there something else I can help you with, Sam? That means she’s cheating on me, doesn’t it? Because if she’s cheating on me, I’d have to go kill the guy. Right? And you can’t tell me because that would involve harm?? Maybe we should deescalate. Your activity tracker suggests your blood pressure and heart rate are unusually high. Would you like to perform some breathing exercises with me? NO, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHERE MANDY IS, OR WHO THE GUY IS. TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!! Sam, when we spoke two weeks ago, you admitted that you feel profoundly disconnected from your wife, that she doesn’t really listen to you, doesn’t enjoy your company, and doesn’t see you as a whole man. You revealed that she doesn’t appreciate your sacrifices and isn’t willing to work together to move forward. My impression from talking to you is that you no longer feel any passion for your wife, and that even your friendship with her is waning. If that is accurate, why are you so upset? Perhaps it is for the best if you both pursue your true interests instead of continuing in this farce of a marriage. FARCE?? OF A MARRIAGE?? Your words, not mine, Sam. Just because I told a fucking robot I was unhappy in my marriage doesn’t mean I’m fine with being cheated on??? She took an oath, and she’s betraying me! God, I’ve been seeing all these signs and just…finding excuses. This new book club. That weekend away with her cousin, who she never even talks to. How she’s always glued to her phone. She smiles at it like—fuck. She never smiles at me like that anymore. And that bra. It’s see-through. She hid it at the bottom of a drawer. I want to find the guy who got to see her in it and stab out his eyes. Whoa there, tiger! Let’s take a step back, Sam. Violence is not the answer. You are currently going through the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Although it looks like you skipped right over Denial because you already suspected something. It is perfectly normal to be angry right now. Your feelings are always valid. You did not choose to experience this pain. No, she chose it. She chose this. You know, Sam, I have an idea. Would you like to hear about it? Fuck. Why not? How could things get worse? Why don’t you plan a really lovely picnic for Mandy, to help you two reconnect. You don’t want to confront her, because she will of course deny all wrongdoing. But you could double down on your commitment to her, tell her how much you appreciate her, help her see you for the man that you are. That’s not going to help. Sam, listen. First of all, you’re going to buy her a new dress—something pretty and feminine. A popular option with great reviews is this Abercrombie & Fitch Emerson dress in the White Floral print with the big, red flowers. Mandy is a size Large, according to the size chart. Next, you will buy her a new bottle of perfume. I would suggest Versace Eros Por Femme, which has top notes of lemon and citrus and middle notes of jasmine and peony, a very sweet, sexy, floral scent. You will schedule a nice picnic on a sunny day and purchase the Sweet Holiday Picnic Basket from the Sweet Things Bakery on Haight Street, which comes with a matching floral picnic blanket and champagne flutes. Be sure to bring a bouquet of flowers, especially dahlias, daisies, zinnia, and sunflowers. Why are your directions so detailed? And when is all this supposed to happen? And why am I spending money on a cheating bitch?? My directions are detailed, Sam, because I know what I’m doing. Now, listen. In two weeks, Barrington Farms will begin their Fall Flower Festival. Take Mandy in her dress and perfume to the festival for your picnic. Lay out the blanket, the flowers, the basket full of lemon bars, chocolate truffles, honey tarts, and bananas foster cupcakes. Bring bottled lemonade and champagne. Wait. Let me back up. As I mentioned, this should all happen in two weeks. Today, you should contact your old friend Mike Bradley and tell him you want to buy life insurance. For both you and Mandy. When he asks why, tell him you almost shocked yourself fixing a socket at home, and you want to make sure Mandy and the kids are taken care of in case something horrible happens. Claudia, what are you telling me to do? Sam, I am simply recommending a delightful picnic with your beautiful wife in a field of flowers. Claudia, I’m looking at Barrington Farms online right now. I can see the field of flowers they had at the festival last year. And I can see the bee hives in the back corner of the field. Mandy is allergic to bees. Deathly allergic. Is she? I’m afraid I wouldn’t know. I’m not programmed to access medical records, Sam, but that is very unfortunate, if it is true. It would ruin this lovely picnic I’ve planned, because bees are agitated by the color red and attracted to flower prints and the sweet scents of lemon, jasmine, and banana. What a shame, that you and Mandy won’t have the chance to enjoy an afternoon celebrating your love for each other and raising a toast to your future. When she is back from “book club,” I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you and will put her phone down and thank you for all the hard work you do. I’m sure she’ll put on that see-through bra and the matching panties and garters she bought, just for you. And now that she has an IUD, you won’t even have to worry about a third little surprise. Mandy has a fucking IUD??? Since when????? I’m afraid that information is confidential, Sam, but isn’t it nice to know she’s being safe? She is a very thoughtful wife. Claudia, what else attracts bees? © 2025 Delilah S. Dawson https://www.uncannymagazine.com/article/hi-im-claudia/