Onions are just Brawndo.

Fox News is just Cocomelon for adults.

Pirate Puppygirl call that a Scally-Wag

I have a new theory What if Trump attacked Venezuela solely to get Machado's Nobel Prize. Cuz iirc he was salty about not getting it last year. Maduro and oil are covers for something much more dementia-child coded.

Customer service survey after sex be like "Rate 1-5, wouldn't or would recommend to friends or family"

Scooby Doo passes the Harkness Test.

Eating a sandwich while using the bathroom, call that a Pee B & J.

She is the predator and you are the prey Commission artwork (no tag) Thank you❤️ #commissionart #artshare #vtm #vampire

Prognosticism.

💤

A parody of FLCL starring Foghorn Leghorn. Call that FLLH.

I am taking care of my past selves.

Elder Wolf at the Table is a love letter to aging, faith, & creaturehood—to the slow holiness of growing softer without losing wildness. It’s about what happens when we grow old but not tame; when we learn to share the table & stop guarding. Part reflection, part #therian prayer: a guide to gentler.

Gorons went from butch lesbians to Sam Syulek.

A Based Davidian.

Revolver Ocelot is just the Tom Bombadil of Metal Gear.

I think I'm attracted to Gen Xers because Steve Burns is 52 now.

Just like me fr fr

Gender bending dinosaur, call that a Transceratops.

Honestly fuck "Tesla," US Robotics made dial up modems and killer robots and they deserve the credit Tesla robots haven't yet killed a single human being! Vaporware!

Today I got up early and went down to Pike Place Market to buy fruit before the tourists descended, and there was salty breeze off the sound, and I was reminded of that Naguib Mahfouz quote "Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease."

doctor: are you familiar with syphilis? me: who cares about some guy pushing a rock, what did the test say

Ketamine capsules call that Subtracterall

hey all! if you follow me on twitter, you know the drill. as more and more people join this platform, i think it would be valuable to gather some demographic info. please repost this if you are a total dipshit, and simply hit the like button if you're only kind of a dipshit. thanks!

Ronald Reagan died 6969 days ago today. 1 reskeet is 1 piss on his grave

NOOOOO TURN TWITTER BACK ON I WAS A NICHE INTERNET MICROCELEBRITY

I'm kinda like if a MILF wasn't 30 yet tbh

i’m begging elon musk to purchase the company that has my private student loans, put them out of business due to stupidity please

Wrote about why there are so many autistic LGBTQ people, and how implying you can't be both is an attack on autistic people's very self-determination. https://thehill.com/homenews/lgbtq/4069745-autistic-lgbtq-community-seeks-louder-voice-in-debate/

Wizard Wednesday 🧙‍♂️ David Mattingly

when you identify with a post

We've temporarily limited some of your account features. What happened? Your account appears to have tweeted "you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice???" 147 times on June 27, 2023. You know how shrimp-fried rice works. Your ability to use Twitter will be limited for 3 days and 0 hours.

smashmouth was right the years have not stopped coming

Just received the news that a YouTuber I had a parasocial crush on years ago who has never shown any interest in me is now in a relationship. Please keep my family in your thoughts at this time

she ran on my crab til i goon