Guy with anger management problems: We have a "move fast and break things" motto around here

Watching YouTube videos and falling for the "Podcasters Dilemma," where you're compelled to shout and correct them even though they can't hear you

Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a mancer Whatever it is, I want to mance something

Networking update: Maintaining unbroken eye contact for the 100 feet before I pass anyone on the sidewalk

of course I PERSONALLY always bet on the seahawks. GO HAWKS

A cry for help? Oh no sir, I just yell as loud as I can

Hate crime? I sure hope she does

Reflecting on the fact when I die the world will lose probably the least efficient conscious mind ever created Like the Edsel, an end to an era

I became a man the day I stopped pulling the shrimp tails out of my Thai food and started just eating them

I've 4.5/5 starred restaurants you people wouldn't believe

Killing dozens of multiverse mes by closing my eyes while driving without a seatbelt

God saw my lifetime gamer score and let me right into heaven

It is a hidden test of love how annoyed vs delighted you are to hear them tell the joke, the story, the fact they've told many times before

Hey I was gonna drop stuff off is that alright? Me: *have not moved in 3 days* yeah I'll actually be around then no worries

Banned from Pike Place Market for playing megaphone Smash or Pass

Colombo is resurgent as a media property because the people yearn for more Disco Elysium

If I had magic powers I'd make people immortal but only if it would piss them off

I think my favorite sci-fi trope is using lethal radiation exposure as a countdown, like you can have total cell death minus 15 seconds and then live an amazing life that isn't melting in a test tube with 2 hairs

Sorry I didn't post for a minute, got arrested for selling air fresheners that "legally" look like disability plaques

Will be snoozing social media shortly to avoid any spoilers about which year they pick tonight

Moving like Gregor Samsa sans health insurance

Buddhist statistician: consider the heap of rice. take away a single billion-

Have you considered Plato's cave is rent controlled?

Seattle driving: Damn I really hate that dangerous, piece of shxt intersection I'll take the other piece of shxt intersection I don't go through as often

Hypervigilance? Oh that's cool. I'm on the ultravigilance now but I'm glad you're comfortable missing a few things

When a Redguard says something so Cloud District you hit him with the "1000 bounty removed from Whiterun" stare

In Seattle you can achieve the "Noah's Polycule," with two of every kind of animal

Was Howl's moving castle originally designed as a Nazi superweapon

And to Jonathan, my eldest son, I leave my Spotify playlists, and a lifes work on that which slaps

Me inventing lifesaving EMDR therapy: Have you tried crossing your eyes weird and just not fucking worrying about it lmao

(taking Adderall) Time for some German courage

Zelda is honestly crazy imagine seeing a guy in the forest killing squirrels and then checking them for dollars

I'm not "stealing" anything, I'm a techpriest and I'm blessing these catalytic converters

to make sure my last words are good whenever I get so much as a slight cold I will be repeating catchphrases incessantly

if you explained your "arcs" to Sigmund Freud he would die of a heart attack

Banned from hosting Miss Universe after eating the envelope and announcing "All women are equally beautiful"

When you have one Adderall left so you just carry it around like Jack Sparrow's pistol with one shot

They should make a dating site that matches you by most similar handwriting

Quick boys, administer a Citizen's Beating

The problem with Charles Bukowski dressing like a homeless person is I might accidentally afford Bukowski the respect I give a homeless person

Going nonverbal professionally (a mime)

Renting this zip car for 35 seconds so I can move it and take its parking spot

Getting banned from every relationship group by posting "What did they say when you talked to them about it"

Computer, blast this idiot with the beam that makes you feel the sublime bliss of love eternal

I keep searching "Demonias for men" but Google keeps playing laughing noises at me

We should name schools after dumb people for more effective irony

And these are my two sons, Like and Subscribe

Voice from the open coffin: My God, I'm... alive, again? It's a miracle, I can't wait to see my family... Me, bringing back my favorite author: Woah ho ho there friend, no time for that, we gotta get writing, I need more books

Call me a Grey Man because that's the color of my discount meat subscription

just found out i'm too fat to continue the cycle of samsara