the thing donald trump isn't telling you about portland oregon is you can see the band built to spill live 3 or 4 times a year if you want to

CK's schtick at his height was "I share your decency, audience, but I will admit things to you that you can't admit to yourself." His schtick now is "I share your depravity, audience, and I will tell you things that flatter you."

watching the green bay packers play on the tubi streaming platform wow we're living in the future we always dreamed of

it makes sense if you think about it

workin on smoking the backlog of half-finished joints i found while cleaning out my desk

DID YOU KNOW: not everybody wanted the bald eagle to be america's national bird! founding father benjamin franklin thought it should be the "toilet bird," a creature he claimed first appeared to him in a dream. he used to carry around a crude stained drawing of one which he loved showing to people.

thom yorke is what happens when an english child is raised in the abyssal zone (4,000 to 6,000 meters beneath the ocean's surface)

glad i stopped posting on twitter before i got exposed as a shadowy bot farm operating out of tuvalu

this nfl season reflecting our current reality in that you can't trust any of these teams they're all total frauds

this is fucking crazy

Don't do that. Don't call your record that. Come on.

i hate to rue a day

they arrested patrick beverley? since when is it a crime to have that dog in you?

regrettably this was one of my best tweets

curious that i haven't been able to generate the same kind of buzz with the memoir i wrote about my illicit romance with dan bongino

i think it should be optional for nfl teams to have goal posts on their home fields. you should be allowed to be like "sorry no field goals here" and the visitors just have to deal with it.

imagine being a raiders fan like you're putting on silver face paint for this and shit

if i get nothing else from the show pluribus at least i have this: for some reason, the word forecastle is pronounced "folks'll"

holy shit greet death is such a fucking good live band

how is sam altman married to a child who's taller than him

on mushrooms at the sigur ros concert trying to sing along with the songs

being serious for a minute, if the epstein files come out and all that's in there is donald trump consensually sucking off another elderly man, i'm gonna owe donald trump an apology

capitalism is the best engine for innovation that's why all our new consumer products these days are a computer that helps you kill yourself or a muffin that's suspiciously high on protein

having a hard time affording a home huh well that's because joe biden let all these refugees from guatemala and el salvador financialize the housing market

donald trump and kash patel just pulled me into the situation room and told me to quit doing comedy??

*witch cocks gun* "double double, motherfucker"

one of my favorite horror movie tropes is when characters get punished for not respecting the norms of halloween. this literal demon from hell gets sooo mad if you take more than one candy out of the unattended bowl!

second verse on this is one of the funniest things i've ever heard

pretty crazy to be guilty of numerous sex crimes and then spend your whole life trying to make sure that everybody has to think about you all the time

got some "blackberry cucumber" la croix from the store earlier. hope it works out!

guys we gotta stop saying "it's giving" we are 37 years old

if your ideology is based on the idea that it is justifiable to prey on the weak there isn't going to be a meaningful boundary you can draw between looting from the poor and sexually exploiting kids. i don't think every conservative is a pervert but that is the logical conclusion of their beliefs

how many years away are we from the first 80 yard field goal

this is literally never not accurate

in response to joyce carol oates saying he doesn't enjoy art elon has hung a boondock saints poster behind him so it's visible in zoom meetings

in all the years i was drinking the weirdest decision i made was making yuengling my go-to when i lived in dc. awful beer. tasted terrible. made me feel like shit. for four years i was like i'll keep drinking that garbage.

once king kong was on top of the empire state building i don't think he had any idea how to get down. if they just let him chill up there for a bit they could have reset the situation and approached things more constructively. hindsight's always 20/20 but sending the airplanes was a bad call imo.

old ass president

i am way too politics brained lately, gonna have to lock myself in a room until i've written 10 jokes about carrots or something

i'm not thrilled that my flight home for christmas has been canceled but i'm happy to make the sacrifice in order to protect the folks who are named in the epstein files

*tune of "kiss me" by sixpence none the richer* piss, pee

hard to know how to approach this book. pynchon can be difficult enough to follow when you're sober but to get the full effect here i think you have to read it stoned.

Cuomo gave a fairly graceless concession speech, and Mamdani rips his skin off: "My friends, we have toppled a political dynasty. I wish Andrew Cuomo the best in private life. But let tonight be the last time I mention his name."

nobody is better than burneko for stuff like this

thinkin about all those happy thriving people in the alternate universe where dick cheney got trapped in a walk-in freezer and died of hypothermia in 1972

rip mister richard cheney thank you sir for all the cruelty stupidity and misery you brought into our world

You heard me

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’