Imagine getting jacked off under a plastic tray of nachos at mountain altitude while Kyle Schwarber goes deep

LOGGING ON

gone White Boy Mode at 6:43 on a Friday night

I know in the Tibetan philosophy, Sylvia Plath sense of the word, we're all dying. But you're not dying the way Bluesky is dying

Alright I'm definitely never getting in a fucking Waymo let's see where this goes

Almost hit for the cycle #lastfourwatched

I'd end up in a Hold Steady lyric

Afternoon Phils game on a WFH Friday?

Cannot believe the space guys did the thing on his mf birthday smdh

I'm still flesh I hold on to awful feelings

I printed this shirt a couple years ago, wore it one time, and then promptly gained fifty pounds 😖 We're so back

I got a letter from the HOA saying my breath stank 😔

AMC A-listers should be allowed to legally murder 1 AMC Stubs Premiere Member per calendar year

Sold off a bunch of old CDs yesterday and the store never made a "NICE collection going out on the floor today, lots of great stuff, get here fast" Instagram post

Just learned that my family had a local baseball team in Minnesota round turn of the century, that's my great grandpa lower right Happy Opening Day

I'm like if "there's lettuce in your beard" was a person

tell me you lived in Chicago in 2004 without telling me you lived in Chicago in 2004

Not even ambient "Landslide" echoing in the empty liquor store at 10AM is enough to bring me down today. Go Phils.

This dude, remarkably, comes off as someone who never fucked OR played an RPG

If I see someone's post or text autocorrect to "he'll yeah" I immediately lose respect for them because it means they're not saying "hell yeah" enough

Somehow Hawk Tua returned

Good Morning there was a spider in my coffee.

I had a really long hard day away from The Internet™️ so I don't understand who Milk Son is and it's hurting my feelings

some nerd on reddit was talking about viewing this album through a krautrock lens and you know what...I'll be damned

yo I'm thirsty what's your soda password

same, except I'm advocating for violence.

Today my dad was telling a story about his boss catching (and eventually joining him) drinking beers at lunch. I said "I'll remember this when a boomer tells me how hard they worked to get what they have" He came out on top with "we *did* work hard...when we worked." And honestly...respect.

From the river to the sea, BITCH

I think they're asking about an M MFM meeting

All kidding aside. All seriousness. I know there are some smart people on here, can you please explain to me (a dummy) if it's going to be ok or if this is really, awfully horrible and bad? Seems bad.

A man and his son go to the soda shop. The Doctor days "I can't serve this boy 23 Flavors™️, he is my son". How is that possible?

omg he's still wearing that little black beanie

I hate how HBO Max changes the play button to "Watch Again" after you've seen a movie, seems judgmental.

[Academy Awards announcer voice] This is Junglepussy's first Oscar win and first nomination

How you not going to give the Costume Design award to the person that decided to give Bill Shakespeare a sluttly little hoop earring

can I log The Oscars on letterboxd

I feel like I could write a book about getting your kid to love good music (that doesn't mean "music you love") Part of it is restraint. Earlier he expressed interest in Sparta but I did NOT mention At the Drive-In. Drew blood on my tongue. All in good time. Patience.

life can be tough but tonight my kid asked me "what album is playing right now this is sick" so that high will keep me going for like six months

This is funny but also we long ago passed the "parody not as funny as reality" line with moz. Exhibit A: this actually real qoute from a real article that's funnier than anything you could print in the Onion/Hard Times:

A cool thing about our office is there used to be an admin person who's primary task was to put up little decorations for every holiday but she got laid off six months ago so there's stuff like this all over that will remain in place until we finally go out of business

I gotta be honest. I never get tired of seeing Elon Musk eat shit, every time something comes up I get a little spark.

Happy Gary Retrograde everyone! The next two weeks are the only two weeks out of the year when Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman

I’m crushing the part of your head that is being mean to yourself. I’m crushing the part of you that gives you no grace. I’m crushing your self deprecating head.”

"That dude Takahashi is Brazilian? He don't look Brazilian" (my sole data point for what Brazilians look like):

I know my Gregs understand this, and that's all that matters.

I don't know what people are talking about a lot of the time