My favorite version of the Independence Day speech is the Gilbert Gottfried dub: youtu.be/rJOCKpt1Ibs?...

4th of July is the perfect time of year to rewatch one of the greatest films ever made, about a pilot who is battling the ghosts of his past and goes on a dangerous specialized mission to save his country.... Godzilla Minus One.

Him, in the bedroom: You should try a British accent. Me: Come'ere, ya wanker. That knob's about to get murked, Mate. Him: 🙄

Everyday is an opportunity to change your life. Might be better, might be worse, but changed none the less.

Tupperware is basically a food coffin you put into your fridge morgue for 3 to several days until you pull it out, coffin flop the leftovers into the trash, wash the container, rinse, and repeat.

🎶 Who can take a rainbow Sprinkle it with gloom Be an awful fck And suck the joy out of the room.....

Wish I had some "living a double life" serial killer energy, but just for living my one non-homicidal life.

WWJD? Your Mom.

My high tolerance for pain comes in real handy on days when i'm alive

butt plug, dildo, vibrator... doo-dah, doo-dah.

🎶 Skywalker in flight Tatooine Delight Ta-at-atooine Delight...

My biggest disappointment as a Star Wars fan was when I was 8 and my new babysitter said we were going to pick up her brother, Chuy.

Why do they call it squirting and not a WAPtism?

Me: What's Fozzie Bear's favorite drug? Him: oh god, here we go....what? Me: AyaWockaWockahuasca Him: 🙄

Did your Mom ever talk Jehovah Witnesses into babysitting while she "goes to the store real quick" or was she not an alcoholic?

Put on your favorite Jonathan Coulton album, it's time to make out.

[Van Halen voice] 🎸-🎸🎸-🎸🎸-🎸-🎸.... Edibles! Edib-l-l-l-l-les...

Him: *playing Claire Obscure Expedition 33* Me: Does that French guy have a robot arm? Him: That's Gustav, and yes. Me: So....he's a Versailles-borg? Him: 🙄

Sometimes I find it surprising that we haven't heard about a serial killer road comic and then I think about most of the male comedians I like and realize they don't exactly have "drag a body out to the woods" physiques.

Me: I wonder if SWs ever need Tommy John surgery from all the repetitive motion. Him: I don't think anyone's out there giving 90 mph hand jobs, but you never know.

🎶 My, My This here President guy Why they cater to this hater I will never know why Some day soon he's gonna fck off and die, Then "in state" will be the last time he lies.

I'll trust medical advice from Doc Johnson before I trust RFK jr.

86 never meant murder when I was a bartender but okay

I haven’t given any $ to a Democratic campaign in years. Haven’t felt they’d know what to do with it. I could however see giving to candidates who explicitly map out how they’d destroy the Supreme Court.

i don't prefer a world where it feels like the only available solution to problems is "waiting for people to die"

The answer, as always, is in the dirt and the little details

Me: Why do they call it a blowjob and not dingalingus? Him: Omg. 🙄 You're not posting that, are you?

Just makin' it clear for your asses. Erasing the voices of black and brown people is not "agree to disagree" territory.

"Agree to disagree" no no no, one of us will perish

Not to sound all “Vote Blue No Matter Who” but today is a good day to remember that you’re not just choosing a president for the next 4 years. You’re potentially choosing a SCOTUS for the next 50.

The karaoke song you always select tells me everything I need to know.

This whole “work” thing is really getting in the way of me fucking around on the internet.

We need to stop saying "bless you" when someone sneezes. They're the ones splattering mucus into the air. They should apologize.

It's okay to watch garbage reality shows to relax. Sometimes you just need to let the tv turds plop into your eye toilets.

Some women insist on being picked up or given piggy back rides by their significant other. I'm a little too heavy for most men to comfortably lift, and that's just good basic self-defense.

Had a dream where a cheap motel shower curtain kept sticking to me and I woke up feeling filthy.

Keep thinking I want to rewatch AHS Coven, but pretty sure I really just want to see a bus full of rapists being flipped over with no survivors.

Sometimes Bluesky feels like walking in on a circle jerk I wasn't invited to...

A fake assassination attempt makes an assass out of I and nation.

Why is it called a Theocracy and not Cross Contamination?

My husband has Animal House on and almost snorted coffee out his nose when I said, "Oh that's directed by John Landis, as in Landis helicopter on those kids and that guy."

A friend told me they could still smell my perfume on their shirt for about an hour after our hug and that it was soothing... and that was one of the sweetest compliments I've ever heard.

Hey you might remember me as the person who, upon meeting, went in for a hug you did not want or expect

I don't like the Gmail feature that lets you know, "Hey, you emailed them 5 days ago and they haven't responded. They don't even care enough to have opened it. You should probably kys."

Pepsi instead of Coke is okay. Mr. Pibb instead of Dr. Pepper is a crime.

I feel like a star... gassy with hot flashes.

It's Earth Day. Time for my annual Planet of the Apes marathon of the original 5 films. 🌎🦧🐒🦍

Remember when stores would tape someone's bad check to the wall next to the check stand, and sometimes a copy of the person's DL. They didn't gaf about your PII back then.

Me: What's a magician's favorite type of foreplay? Him: .... what? Me: Cuppin' Balls. Him:

The rain is making me want to snuggle under my Jaws blanket and watch Mystery Men.