You ever get the feeling people have started eating lead paint chips recreationally?

Happy Holiday-Message-From-That-Email-Newsletter-You-Forgot-You-Signed-Up-For Day.

Web browser spellchecker out here forcing me to learn how to spell... How do you get pancreatitis, partisan, and paranpartisan from parmasean [parmesan]?

What the absolute [expletive] was that?!?

There are two sides to every coin. Three if there's a minting error.

What's with Santa in car commercials asking if it comes in red. It's a car, of course it comes in red. You know the moral compass of everyone on earth and a network of miniscule spies to back you up - but you can't Google the dealership?

BREAKING: The House of Representatives just passed a bill that would subject immigrant children to invasive bodily searches and keep them in detention instead of releasing them to their families. The Senate must vote no on this horrific bill.

sometimes i don’t know what you all are talking about so i look them up and then i get upset

"Donald must learn to adjust to a lower standard of living. He must give up having some things, like pencils. And ballrooms."

Orc: my lord, what does the eye command? Saruman: we have work to do Orc: could... Could you be more specific?

The story you are about to see it true. Only the names, faces, dates, times, location, and general sequence of events have been changed to protect the innocent.

That moment of panic first thing in the morning when you forgot you ate spinach the night before...

16 days until Christmas 🎄

You will be visited by three spirits

ALBATROSS!

Whoever invented baseboard molding can f*** all the way off...! [vacuums incoherently]

Euclid is known as the "father of geometry" because he got a triangle pregnant

Tired of the barage Cristmas songs on the radio at work? Try singing the full In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida to yourself 28 times in a row. The day'll be over before you know it. Bonus if other people hear you and avoid you.

Yes, who is more likely to regard the sacrifice of people as abhorrent than those who follow a religion centered on celebrating the sacrifice of a person?

News Flash: FDA to issue new warning lable for leftover turkey - "Do not operate heavy machinery after consuming."

Every morning show's last-minute Thanksgiving meal tips: • Butter in mashed potatoes • Mix leftovers in mayo • Substitute that thing you wouldn't have in your pantry with another thing you wouldn't have in your pantry • Booze

It ain't Thanksgiving till someone gets arrested for litterin'. 🎼🎸⛪🍗🚌🚯🚓📷👨‍⚖️🐕💰🏦📜👨‍⚕️⏳💉🚓🧟‍♂️📜✏️📁🏦👬👨‍👨‍👦👨‍👨‍👧‍👦✊🎼🎸🙄⏳😴🎼🎸 #alicesrestaurant

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me maniacally laughing as it burned to the ground] Me: they went out of business

Every year…at Thanksgiving….folks listen to this song. I have listened to it every year for the last 50 years. At least once. Here is Alice’s Restaurant…by Arlo Guthrie..

#ASongOrMovieForTheAmericanLife Janie's Got an AR-15

"I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Hey auto correct, if I start mistyping "parody" don't suggest "parafay." Wtf is that, that ain't even a word. Plus, you should know who I am and what I do by now, you very well knew what I meonte!

Popes: John (23) Paul (6) John Paul (2) George (0) Ringo (0) George Ringo (0)

The Brooklyn Citizen November 19,1918

👇

I've been out of school too long... I keep forgetting the order of operations. It's: 1) Pee first 2) THEN add Tabasco to your egg sammich 😵‍💫

"Get in!" "But-" "NOW." "Okay..." "Were you followed?" "What?" "WERE YOU FOLLOWED?" "I don't think so." "You have your passport?" "I'm not sure." "Never mind, open the glovebox." "Alright. Hey, wha-" "You know how to use that?" "Frank, what-?" "Better get used to calling me Jim."

Shoutout to the 14 ad breaks during the 5-minute ADHD info YouTube video I finally got around to watching.

🎈I think they're running out of parade balloon ideas...🎈 youtube.com/shorts/1Ksxc... Disclaimer: AIslop

🌱 I don't so much have a front lawn, but a highly advanced civilization of malicious plant life...

Trump to lower tariffs on bananas and coffee... Laxative makers and plumbers unions outraged...

🤬🤬

Why are people calling it "Age of AI" and not the more awkward and hilarious "aige"

I've been told I look better without my glasses. Honestly, I just don't see it.

Experimenting with slop

All 7 deadly sins with a bad combover stuffed into a suit that fits like a hefty bag. 🤷‍♂️

⛳️ Don Quixote's Mini Golf 18 Holes, All Windmills

Speaker Johnson is violating the Constitution. Time to remove him. "Neither House, during the session of Congress, shall, without the consent of the other, adjourn for more than three days, nor to any other place than that in which the two Houses shall be sitting." Art. I § 5.

I’ve never seen an American elected official fight so hard to starve people.

Today, Mike Johnson will keep the House adjourned for the 95th day out of the last 107. 12 days of work in 107 days. With full pay and benefits. The senate has been working, so this is not about the shutdown. It is about avoiding a vote to release the Epstein files.