Okay at this point raise your hand if you HAVEN’T blown Bill Clinton

"You can't 50% fuck a train" -dnd* out of context (*we're actually using worlds without number)

Schrodinger’s Dong: Where I am simultaneously in the state of either having a penis, or not having a penis, but regardless—it is bigger than yours.

Is it too early to watch the Chanuka time loop instaclassic film Round and Round starring Vic Michaelis?

Random rant: I don't really care that much that chocolate hummus exists. Sure it's not good but why waste my energy being angry about it? The people who buy it will be punished by eating it and the people who make it will be judged in the next life when they face God

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

New bluesky prompt idea: the face / the credit card number with expiration date and security code

My friends are making a mockumentary (recording each other mocking me)

EVERYONE ON THIS APP DROP A SELFIE NOW... AND I MEAN RIGHT MEOW!!! (We eepy out here)

Every office has an executive tier whose emails are like: saw on news , , can we replce complianc dept with web 3 and a worker tier whose emails are like: Dear Jim, First of all, I *love* this idea! Unfortunately, I spoke with Legal and identified a few issues with this approach. For starters…

Is it appropriative of lesbian culture to only ever yearn and pine after someone? Asking for me

metroidbrainia is when you get sucked off so hard that the galaxy is at peace

I love borrowing a book that's unlikely to be requested, because yes I'll renew this 4 times before finishing it, thanks It only takes so long because ive gotta get thru more popular books on my loan shelf quick 😔

Me when I'm already late for work and somehow think it's a good time to put away laundry

Gm I stopped contributing to my 401k 🫣

it's on miro. it's literally on figma. you have to log into okta. it's in jira. it's on zoom. it's on pureref. it's on flow. it's on perforce. it's on slack. you can find it on slack. you can go to slack and find it. log onto slack right now. you can slack it. slack has it for you. it's on slack.

gm

we shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s snowing…or raining…or too hot… basically we shouldn’t have to go to work.

Made another dentist appointment so I can experience having someone's fingers in my mouth again 🙂‍↕️😔

My face hurts from crying at the s4 finale of The Magicians for the umpteenth time 😭

A second wedding has hit my social calendar

Being told you're pretty all night and not having to pay for your own drinks >>>

nothing like a gay guy music video night to cleanse the soul

I got briefly adopted at the wedding by a straight man who loves to talk 💀

u up? (then stop it and go to bed!!)

i don't respect the grind. some of you need to go to bed and take it easy this weekend

Can someone pack my bag for me? I wanna lay about until my train 😔

–– my toxic trait is bookmarking instagram recipes that look tasty and never looking at them again

I just got smacked in the face with the most intense deja vu 😵‍💫

Lmao, a spam acct pretending to be bluesky insists I'm temp-suspended and want me to open a fake ass link, nice try worstie

you bet your ass. then you lost. the ass boys are gonna be over any minute to repo that ass. and i'm putting it in my ass jar

Screaming crying and throwing up (I put together a hot music queue and then it crashed)

100% tax rate for income over a million dollars? Sounds like a plan to me. (No one needs that much money.)

all my haters become dilators when i sit down on the dildo of success

The truest test of a friendship is knowing each other and our moms well enough to drag each other's moms 💀🙂‍↕️🫣

Diva... up?

sandwich guy:

no babe I’m not “weird” I’m doing a Nicolas Cage thing I’m talented and eccentric

is there anything more satisfying than writing a heartblessing nastygram to somebody who really, really deserves it

Scrolling thru the bsky feed like

Work kinda sucks, I want to be back on vacation. Has anyone ever thought about this?

Not credit karma alerting me to having spent more than I made last month 💀 binch i know, plane tix are expensive

Desperately trying to figure out what show I requested off for on Dec 11th 😩 whatever it was i hadn't bought tickets yet

Fingers crossed, he can't let Cheney have the whole spotlight after all

Another win! PA voters decided to retain the three justices on the Supreme Court!

Congrats to NY on Mamdani! Likewise to NJ and VA on Sherrill and Spanberger

Dick Cheney dies, Zohran Mamdani wins, a beaver moon shines in the sky… I just know the Etsy witches have been busy.

It's not enough to hate my job, I must also put in applications 😔