Should I invite friends to get drinks with me for my birthday or should I burn down a restaurant in Switzerland?

Are you guys inspired by my unending innocence?

It was way cheaper than I was quoted for but I was also trapped in a strange conversation with a fellow customer during the 30 minute wait, so there was a trade off.

My friend said I should get my nipples pierced and I disagree I think

Watching my dog fall asleep by the window while a gentle breeze brushes through the long hairs on her face. What could be better than that?

Me whenever any of you post nudes and I want to ask you to f*** m* a**

I don’t want to buy new tires. I’m just gonna crash my car.

I keep hooking up with 5’5” muscle kings. Somebody needs to host an intervention. And bring the shorties 🫦

You all already know what I have to say about this one

When he’s severely pale but his name is Tanner it’s like… tanner than what exactly?

The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting.

😲

I have fallen prey to temptation and must be punished 🫦

Launching an app called Buttrz for people with hot bods but ugly faces. You should sign up!

You sick freaks need to stop having birthdays so close to mine

Sometimes you’re in the forest, sometimes the forest is in you.

So you’re not going to invite your mistress, Jem, to your barbecue? 😟

If I were a 17th century monk, I’d constantly be trying to get my brothers to role play bible scenes with me. Like “okay let’s try to visualize this better so we can be closer to G. I’ll be Jesus. Strip me and tie me up on that cross. And choke me a little? And”

I almost understand what I’m saying

War machines doing loopdeloops around DC to appease our mad king’s wretched inferiority. A shameful display of his violent vanity and our national jingoistic psychosis.

Apparently gays are hooking up in the bathroom of the nearby Target. Is that reparations?

Wait I think bloomf might be kind of into me.

I think it’s horrifying there’s actual people that aren’t communists these days 10 men in the US have the wealth of half the planet, 2 billion people live in slums, and we are setting the planet on fire and you will still sit here and defend class based exploitation and private wealth

This is what the moderates got us.

Just ate a big apple #NewYorkVibes

I love you too btw

The bath house should have pool tables

Just learned about sitting

Sodomite? More like sododefinitely.

Seeking worm. Worm? 🤲 Worm? 🤲 Worm, please? 🤲

Ah! how cheerfully we consign ourselves to perdition!

Getting spit roasted

On some level, I do believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with every person from Utah

So there was an albino kangaroo at the park

Something something gay when something annoying

Does this homosexual tendencies make me look gay?

How/when do you all think I’ll die?

We’ve reached the point in wildfire season when I blow my nose in the morning and blood comes out

Me when my gay friend tells me he looks like Andrew Garfield

To me, dating a twink is kinda the same as having a hamster.

So imagine if Snagglepuss was kind of dommy.

My propensity for intense psychosexual dilemmas leads me to believe Nicole Kidman, with the right wig, could play me.

Leaving Cleveland after having an intense weeklong fling with my temp job coworker

Okay. Gonna work for 4 more hours, then I’ll go to the museum, and then I’ll get fingered.

Did you know Jem now comes in blue? Now available from @xtophr.bsky.social industries.

The gender neutral bathrooms here have worse toilet paper than the other bathrooms 🤨

Just arrived in Brooklyn 😍 (the Cleveland one)

Priiiiide

Doing cupping at home with mayo jars and cigarettes

I need to be sandwiched between two flat boards. Who can relate?