A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashes. Dispatcher: what’s the situation? Deputy: It’s hard to say

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "are all of those kids yours?" He replies, " no. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

There's about 200 calories in a donut. If I eat 6 a day and nothing else, I'd "technically" still be on a diet.

May the Fourth be with YOU, from the Obama Presidential Center. Opening June 19.

💫💫💫

Couple about to sign divorce papers… WOMAN: I wish I'd never joined that Star Wars dating app MAN: You were looking for love in Alderaan places WOMAN: And I wish I'd never married a guy addicted to Star Wars puns MAN: It was a wookie mistake WOMAN: Just sign it MAN, SIGNING: May divorce be with you

primal urge to stuff soft bread into my mouth

It’s crazy the amount of people and money spent on Pokémon cards still.

I make it a goal of mine that while shopping I try to make someone smile or laugh. It makes mine and hopefully theirs just a little bit better

I think I deserve a few beers today after the week I had.

I just realized Cinco de Mayo falls on Taco Tuesday!

So 10 years ago today. I lost my grandson Tony. Yeah, I hate May 1st. All I can do is be there or not be there for my daughter. Whatever she needs. Hug your loved ones today.

Give me hope. Help me cope. With this heavy load.

37 years ago Lloyd Dobler showed us guys how to get the girl. Be yourself.

I was thinking about a woman who might’ve loved me. I never knew.

Got a little time to people watch in downtown Chicago this morning. I love this city.

Holy shit just realized I've been clenching my jaw for 6yrs.

Where is the nearest Kodak store? I need to get this roll developed fast.

Got free passes to Museum of Science and Industry and no one wants to go Friday. My day off

Let’s all post it and see if they indict all of us.

Over the last few years i have really come to appreciate “THE CROCK-POT”

Notice how a book can make you gay, a vaccine can make you autistic, a mask can make you sicker, and a poster of the Ten Commandments can make you moral, but guns don’t kill people.

Windtalkers but it’s me trying to decipher what my teen is saying

It’s Two-For-Tuesday. What band/singer do you want to hear two songs from today ? For me it’s Tom Petty Have a good day and Keep Running Down Your Dream.

Best supergroup ever The Traveling Wilburys

Reagan actually got shot at the same hotel and never asked for a ballroom

I call it the rainbow of old age.

Cinnamon and vanilla fall into that class of ingredients—like garlic and cheese—that must be measured with your heart. 1tsp?? I think we can do better than that!

You may know me from such plan cancellations as "I totally forgot about that other thing at the place, sorry."

I am SOOOO single I went to a cliff and yelled I LOVE YOU……. The echo yelled back, I just wanna be friends.

If you think you saw someone stealing food, no you didn’t….

Monday, where in the hell did you come from ?

I’m proud of myself. 3 nights in a row of cooking dinner. Basic stuff but it isn’t frozen pizzas. My daughter needed a break.

All my saved fireworks from last 4th of July are just waiting for a certain person’s stop breathing moment so I can celebrate.

I've seen Pro Wrestling matches that weren't this obviously staged...

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?” She said "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

So it was a blitz attack? On a ballroom??

I sometimes just sit think and hope that I have been as good as of a dad and grandpa that my Dad was. Missin ya Pops on your Bday.

I always try to make someone smile or laugh. It makes me feel better. I could really use some reciprocation once in a while.

I don’t have all the answers but I do think that a little bit of hope and a little bit of love can go a really long way

@sipsysips.bsky.social hope things are are okay. Lost you at the other place 😢

I think we can all agree that the years been some kinda weird so we should start partying and wait out the new year

The only good thing about working my second weekend in a row is Xmas will be pretty much paid for.

Lmao I fucking snort laughed at this O M G !!! 😂

When your mouth says that was delicious but your body says you fucked up 1 hour later in the bathroom.

I try hard to give them what I can as a father. They’re never happy.