I don’t want to admit how old I was (maybe this year) when I realised the song ‘I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ was about a child seeing her mum kissing her dad dressed up as Santa - and not about Santa being an absolute DURTY DOG and going around the houses kissing everyone’s mum

Mizzle Christmizzle fo’ shizzle 🎄

Asked Jamie to pick up my prescription to cover me over the Christmas holidays, and got sent a photo of it safely secured in my seat in the car under my car blanket (yes, you read that correctly) and with my seat belt on 💀😭

the catchiest sex-ed BOP you will ever hear

and tiny tim, who was NOT in the epstein files,

Cackling like a Victorian hysteric at my very public desk at work

Friends fear the midlife crisis has hit and she will not go gentle into those 40s and she got herself an undercut 👀

Friends fear she’s got Christmas nails to match her engagement ring again

Hopefully this link works (!) but my fiancé @indyiscoming23.bsky.social has released a mini-album (EP?) on various platforms including this one so please go give a listen, it’s really good. He wrote the songs, sings them and plays on the tracks open.spotify.com/album/64HDPP...

I guarantee this is going to annoy a lot of purists but I just saw this on instagram and choked 💀

[me trying to show Jamie a funny TikTok and him losing interest after 0.25674 seconds] Me: see this is your ADHD brain, you’ve no sticking power Jamie [glancing at me]: oi, no sticking power?? I’m here aren’t I! Me:

There is no household chore as emotionally taxing as changing the bedsheets. I don’t know why but every part of my soul is viscerally offended by it. Lovely when it’s done, but what a horrendous ordeal during. I’ve never had a fight in my life as hard as that with a double duvet cover

Just watched a TikTok where a woman was complaining that she and her fiancé had had ‘such an amazing day booking our wedding venue!’ but then she had received an email from the venue just before she was getting ready to go to sleep that night with the subject 1/2

Friends fear she’s got her Christmas nails on 🎄

in one of my very few no fun allowed posts, i think we should just not use grok to make sick burn dunks on elon who is probably very pleased that you're using grok and making number go up

Ok but did they get the assignment wrong and think it was revenge *on* Diana though because-

squirrel: *points gun* me: what do you want me to do? squirrel: *gestures at sign* me: alright, i get it *opens book drop* squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion* me: NOT A SQUIRREL! squirrel: *disappears into book drop* me: *whispers* forgive me, keith

This has absolutely broken me, I think I just woke people up in Kerry with my cackling

I need urgent medical attention

[in the room me, Jamie, who has earlier told me he has lost his sense of taste and potentially might have Covid, and also one pack of Rolos left] J: can you pass me the Rolos please Me: ok so have you heard of The Balloon Debate, did you ever do it at school? 1/?

Princess Diana is making me produce sounds like a blocked drain

Hard 2

Hooting and hollering

Every person who gets into a relationship with Lily Allen and then cheats on her deserves every single album and…single, that comes their way, and what moron called David Harbour didn’t see this coming

passport photo rules are always so confusing. don't smile, don't not smile. no shadows, there must be shadows though, and no light. there must be light. only want to see your face, but we want to make sure it has a body connected to it, but not in the picture

I see you and raise you when a Canadian cinema tried to sell it as a buddy movie/romcom

Jamie and I no longer reading or reacting to the instagram memes we’re sending each other, just now firing more and more into each other’s inboxes like ‘NO, I’M NOT LAUGHING AT YOURS TILL YOU LAUGH AT MINE, HERE’S ANOTHER ONE!!!’

[watching a character in Better Call Saul, in *dire* circumstances, manage to finally get to a landline phone and start dialing] Me: I would be able to call my gran in the 1990s Jamie: I would be able to call my nan in the 1990s and… myself

Running for office and revealing a giant back tattoo that just says WOMEN. Nobody can agree if it's good or bad

I have an MA in (English and yes this is Russian) Literature so will defend the Arts with my dying breath but this made a noise come out of me like an asthmatic goose

This cold open will never not make me laugh

I’m finding this unreasonably funny

The other thing that is notable about this is that the moment he received pushback, Piers just collapses into a sputtering mess. This class of 'pundit' has become so used to going unchallenged that they literally don't know how to deal with it. Embarrassing it took so long for this to be exposed.

Cannot be unseen

Friends fear she’s had her nails done again

a) LOL b) blargh

Goddam it this is good

Seeing many posts about how ICE isn't trained. That's not really the problem. The problem is what they were sent to do, not whether they're qualified to do it.

I’m binge watching ‘1883’ on Netflix atm and I quite literally *just* learned that Tim McGraw plays James Dutton and Faith Hill plays Margaret Dutton. I don’t know why this information has unsettled me but it has

I can’t fully articulate why but this is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. I’m making noises like a clogged drain

Me moving towards the table whenever anyone brings in snacks at work

Me working from home today

Me: me, your future wife, just had a long day at work, came home, wanted to sit in silence for a while and now I want to monologue at you Jamie: [while overtly and deliberately putting one (1) AirPod in] monologue away gurl

My usually incredibly active fiancé has badly sprained his ankle and is on bed rest so we’re rotting in bed together watching our individual nonsense, but weirdly this is driving him mad and he just said ‘I don’t know how you do this every weekend’ So naturally I’ve taken that wildly personally

This guy has perfected his Trump lip-syncs and I think this is the peak

[currently on the long drive back from Wexford, home in our Sligo number plated car) Me, thoughtfully: do you know, when I was a teenager I would have absolutely *loved* to have a car with a Sligo number plate Fiancé: why? Me: Westlife are from Sligo Fiancé: …do you EVER stop??

My fiancé went to play with some drums today, he plays guitar superbly but drums are his main instrument but alas we have no drum kit in our house, - UMMMM HELP HELLO 🥵🔥

The honk I just honked