You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him impersonate you and drive your car and go to work for you.

I go to my shrink tomorrow. If he calls me fat, I’m calling him a doodoo head.

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

At least this lisp is getting me sympathy tips.

Stoned, fat me is so glad going on a diet me didn’t eat that chocolate.

my most exclaimed vocalization this week “dude, what?”

In the end it all comes down to tiddies.

Everyone who walked to school in bad weather is dead now. You’re lying.

This

Cunts who cunt for no reason need to stop cunting.

Sometimes people are ignorant for their own convenience.

The President of the United States has lied to the nation to cover up a murder. That is indisputable fact and everyone knows it.

Every second the murderer is not arrested is another second for feds to hide him in a place that would create a jurisdictional fight. He's on video killing a person. You have to arrest this guy an hour ago, but you might still have time now.

This

I have temporary partials right now and a fucking lisp . After all this bullshit I’m definitely getting a gold tooth.

Piers Morgan Freeman

Stupid old cunt and old husband asked for decaf. Explained that we don’t have it. Proceeded to tell me I need to find out what it is. I hope she drops the fuck dead on this day.

I got two partials and my speech is impaired. Hoping I get sympathy tips tomorrow.

Getting my dead tooth removed and replaced. Bringing sexy back.

Have you ever heard someone go off, and their words are so perfectly chosen, so well said in that moment, that you’re in awe? You think, “There’s nothing to add here,” and you applaud in your head. That’s exactly this. Pure perfection. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I think at this point everyone knows what Republicans are fighting for and what their priorities are. If you still support them or give them a pass in any way we also know what you are.

Good morning - I hate most people, but you're ok. Not you, you're a dick

No one has skeletons in their closets anymore, everyone keeps them in their phones instead.

Trump has now conducted 28 boat strikes, killing over 100 people. Remember: no judge or jury has found these boats were trafficking drugs. We're simply taking Trump's word for it. He’s unilaterally acting as judge, jury, and executioner. This is a danger to us all.

My favorite coworker gave me weed for Xmas! Happy Holidays!!

With one last great tug, she managed to pull her jeans up over her hips

The only thing I want to hear out of his mouth is a death rattle

Ever hear someone say something is too chocolatey? Those words should ONLY be used in like, "I'd like two chocolatey doughnuts, please."

I share wisdom by yelling “Don’t trust farts!” at teenagers.

This

People who are against weed need it the most.

Bad tippers always have stank breath.

Fixed it....

I’m fully medicated and still hate your guts.

At my family Xmas party, I’m calling everyone by the wrong name with no explanation.

They should make road cones in the shape of middle fingers. I will not elaborate.

This

Forgot my meds last night. I’m back to pissing off idiots on Facebook again.

I like to reflect on Reagan’s last words which were: “who are you? Who am I? Where am I” and I think about how his actions directly led to him not getting treatment for the disease that took his life and I laugh and laugh and laugh

I struggle to understand how any American could want Donald Trump to represent them.

Santa shits down the chimneys of non tippers.

Beginning to think the president might be, y’know, deranged.

a fuckin water bed would really slap right now

Someday he will be gone. But we will never forgive or forget the people who supported him.

We’ve named two kittens Blue Ivey and Lil Wayne. Four more girls to go. Let me know!

My fear of gravy cannot be explained. But it must be respected.

I’m a cat lady who works at a truck stop and smokes menthol cigarettes. The hate is actual hate.