The Trump trials are going to be wild.

Gooners never say die or whatever.

If cheese isn’t a love language then I don’t believe in love.

When I get to 2k, I’ll show my butthole

Hot flashes and interviews don’t mix. Holy fuck

Before you sit down, make sure you can reach the remote.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

50% of rabbit foot keychains are actually rabbit hand keychains

Guess I can think of it as the Republican weight loss plan.

I just here to make you feel weird about laughing at the wrong things.

Listen. I like you. It’s just. Some of that shit’s just too long to read.

My coworker said I looked 50. No worries .I’ll get my facelift before I go to prison for killing him.

People talk too much. They should shut the fuck up.

If you see me in public, the hello is implied.

Confessions of a pot smoker.

sideshow bob's penis

Not to be rude, classmate from the 90s, but maybe your selfies should include alt text for why you let yourself go.

getting your own text buzzing notification at the same time the character on tv gets a text buzzing notification is some real 4d shit

I wrote you a song about your ding dong. That eye roll was unnecessary.

My incredibly racist cousin’s daughter is dating a black guy. When I found out, the sky opened up and I saw light for the first time.

Restaurants need to stop being so obnoxious with lettuce.

Just ordered a medical alert bracelet. Never felt so sexy in my whole entire life.

Getting a neck tattoo so people will avoid me.

not to brag but im probably really good at pole vaulting

I hope everyone that stiffs a server this weekend has explosive diarrhea.

People who tip bad suck in bed.

People that order well done steaks are horrible people.

Moisturizing daily with top quality skin lotion, not for me, but for the artisan who’ll one day make me into a table lamp.

Can't... working on my slutty etsy witch costume

buy one get one free coffins call that a dead giveaway

Cropped jeans are for cunts.

Team Dick York

I bet you nag for a blunt.

Diet Coke tastes like a headache.

Lots of electrolytes in jizz, baby, take my word for it.

Remember, you have to be rich to be eccentric. If you're poor, you're just weird.

Tip 20 percent or stay the fuck home. My pay check is $0.

Everyone on Reddit called me an asshole. I’m so excited.

If I’ve ever eaten wings or noodles in front of you, I trust you with my fucking life.

When I see the people I may know on Facebook, my self esteem drops to the floor.

Charlie Kirk was a hateful man who was funded by right-wing billionaire snowflakes who are terrified of people of color, women, immigrants, and LGBTQ+ people, whom they know can run circles around them and expose their mediocrity.

My stuff would make you flip.

My MAGA uncle fell for an AI Jennifer Aniston scam and lost 1200 bucks and had his water turned off and I think that's beautiful

Jimmy Kimmel told the truth. He was pulled off the air for telling the fucking truth...about Donald Trump.

I'd like public transportation more if it didn't transport so much of the public.

During a manic episode, I cursed out the Mormon missionaries in a bra and a thong. Yikes.

I have a Facebook solely to make fun of the people I work with. I work at a truck stop. I love life.

The desperation to paint the shooter as left is almost comical if it wasn’t so obvious and sad.