Cannibals are weird. I can't imagine liking people enough to actually eat them.

*trying to be hip* 6 🫴 7 🫴

Yes! We are the Cliterati! 🙌🏻

the only Oscar I care about lives in a trash can on Sesame Street

Just texted every female in my family “Don’t wear a peplum!”. Let’s just say the response has been sad and pathetic. I’m thrilled!!

Decided to grow my hair out again. In other words, I’m gonna look like garbage for two years and then shave my head. Yay me!

Close your eyes. Ok,now touch it. Is it my hairy pussy or an opossum?

Just wasted 5 bucks getting my nose analyzed on Facebook. I really need some friends.

‘Old Person Smell’ is real. I plan on smelling like Chanel and cigarettes.

I just ordered a cat themed comforter set to prove your taste does, in fact, get better with age.

Laid back, with my mind on my shitposts and my shitposts on my mind.

shitposters are fartists

I had a black sun tramp stamp in the 90s. Pure class.

I’d take my teeth out for you.

Just fuck me hard to Wham!.

I refuse to work at a place I hate. So my new job lasted 2 days. Oh well.

My boob itches. Someone’s coming with a hole in their britches.

The award for the most awkward sex scene goes to The Ninth Gate. Grody !

I lisped my way through the interview and got hired! Good bye truck stop!

With all my aches and pains, if I were a car, I'd fail inspection every year.

Trump: "Nobody understands a word this guy is saying." Fact: 59 million Americans speak Spanish. Imagine if they all turned against you, you'd never win anything ever again.

I never said “ used ta could” until I got these fucking partials! Take care of your teeth, kids!

❤️🎶🐰

So if mother fuckers think I was born with this lisp, maybe I’ll get free weed.

This

I have two interviews tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll get to tell the truck stop good bye!

If they make me work alone today, I’ll quit. Just wait.

People that say no to a third slice of pizza 1. Why would you? 2. How could you?

One day you’re cute. The next day you wake up with partial dentures and six cats.

gonna start tagging uninvolved people in skeet conversations

I'm almost wishing for an alien invasion. We could use some good news.

In California:

Where are all the idiots who have defended Trump against claims that he's a racist? He's a virulent racist...and if you support him, you are, too. I said what I said.

Your Black History Moment Not in The Epstein Files.

If we were to bring back dueling, we would have a lot less offended people.

I’m not pretty enough to be fat. Yo-yo diet begins tomorrow.

This

All these mullets have me wanting to do hair again.

Donald J Trump is a pedophile. He's also a lying treasonous criminal rat bastard rapist racist fraud who staged a coup against the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. He should be removed from our WHITE HOUSE immediately. This shouldn't be that difficult to comprehend. WTAF?

This #PedophilePresident

Bad Bunny: Before I say thanks to god, I'm going to say, ICE out. We are not savage, we are not animals, we are not aliens, we are humans and we are Americans.

Billie Eilish during her #GRAMMYs speech for Song of the Year: “As grateful as I feel, I don’t need to say anything except that, no one is illegal on stolen land. It’s really hard to know what to say and what to do right now, I feel hopeful in this room and we need to keep protesting… fuck ICE.”

My coworker got caught playing with his butthole before folding towels on camera. I love working at a truck stop.

Can't believe I have to say this but climate change is responsible for extreme cold snaps.

Being surrounded by people who talk too much can be confusing to the many voices in my head.

Just blocked my mil from my Facebook, and I’ve never been so giddy in my life.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him impersonate you and drive your car and go to work for you.

I go to my shrink tomorrow. If he calls me fat, I’m calling him a doodoo head.