I will never, ever forget the first time I got ma’amed.

There is no word in the English language to adequately describe the anger and frustration and disbelief that Americans are feeling….

“I’m Jake Tapper, and welcome to another episode of 47 Minutes.”

The hippie at work recommended a healthier cigarette, because obviously my health is on my mind when I puff a Newport.

The thought of looking old makes me panic. Does this qualify for a Go Fund Me?

Why, yes, my 49 year old ass wants to be your sugar baby, you weirdo from Facebook.

Don’t know if my cute still outweighs my crazy. We shall see.

A lot of people can’t stand me when I’m high. I can’t stand anyone when I’m not.

Stole an umbrella from a funeral this morning, if you’re looking for someone to look up to.

I’m cute in a Weeble Wobble kinda way.

Trump introduces the new White House dress code

I’m unavailable to work at night. That’s when I do my disco dancing.

I just want to sing and dance in a villainous way

I can make as many terrible posts as I want, this website is magical.

The Discover tab sure does have some aggressive tits.

I don’t know which one of my kids will put me away yet.

Social media is for expressing myself and making it everyone else's problem instead of just mine.

It would be about time…

Things are never going to get better. Things just keep getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse

DEAR RESTAURANTS: Your servers are not volunteers. If you can't afford to pay them more than 2.13% of what you charge, you can't afford to run a business. Thank you!

I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me to see racist MAGA fascists hating on President Obama just because he’s classy, respected, loved and admired. It isn’t his fault that you worship a repugnant evil soulless criminal monstrosity.

I found a website with cat clothes. My life has become garbage.

[opening a bottle of mountain dew with a champagne sword] you can ivy league my nuts

Cinco de Mayo is Spanish for “the four of Mayonnaise”

Just played a CD.. All the songs were mixed to the same volume and, get this, no adverts at all. I'm telling you, this is the future.

I get high and apply for jobs. Then I show up to work straight, full of anxiety, and quit. It’s happened 49 times.

i still think a “break room” where you can beat the shit out of easily re-moldable clay busts of people like elon and don would be a lucrative business venture but i don’t have the startup capital. if anyone does this gimme 2%.

What do I do for a living? Try to give a fuck.

Never stop talking about the Epstein Files. Never stop talking about the Epstein Files. Never stop talking about the Epstein Files. Never stop talking about the Epstein Files.

Cannibals are weird. I can't imagine liking people enough to actually eat them.

*trying to be hip* 6 🫴 7 🫴

Yes! We are the Cliterati! 🙌🏻

the only Oscar I care about lives in a trash can on Sesame Street

Just texted every female in my family “Don’t wear a peplum!”. Let’s just say the response has been sad and pathetic. I’m thrilled!!

Decided to grow my hair out again. In other words, I’m gonna look like garbage for two years and then shave my head. Yay me!

Close your eyes. Ok,now touch it. Is it my hairy pussy or an opossum?

Just wasted 5 bucks getting my nose analyzed on Facebook. I really need some friends.

‘Old Person Smell’ is real. I plan on smelling like Chanel and cigarettes.

I just ordered a cat themed comforter set to prove your taste does, in fact, get better with age.

Laid back, with my mind on my shitposts and my shitposts on my mind.

shitposters are fartists

I had a black sun tramp stamp in the 90s. Pure class.

I’d take my teeth out for you.

Just fuck me hard to Wham!.

I refuse to work at a place I hate. So my new job lasted 2 days. Oh well.

My boob itches. Someone’s coming with a hole in their britches.

The award for the most awkward sex scene goes to The Ninth Gate. Grody !

I lisped my way through the interview and got hired! Good bye truck stop!