Every time Matt Damon takes on a period role he ends up looking like a third baseman for the Phillies.

someone told me it’s called the mall bc you don’t just want to go to one store you want to go to them all. and now i can’t sleep.

Let’s all wish a big Happy Birthday to the baby the Madonna wants to keep in “Papa Don’t Preach” as he turns 40-years-old this year!

I’m exhausted but I’m too tired to get off the couch.

@bluestormcomin1.bsky.social 🎉 @terrileedee.bsky.social @warlessgoddess.bsky.social @iamsammi.bsky.social @jasperacing.bsky.social @arcordray.bsky.social @seagal1.bsky.social @lisa-catara.bsky.social @pinkmouse.bsky.social @bandroll.bsky.social @gmoyer17.bsky.social @j1j2.bsky.social

What the fuck, man?

Very funny to call someone else weak on crime when you have literally pardoned thousands of criminals

Guys, it’s only fucking Thursday. Why does it feel like next Friday?

Annual Wade Boggs text to the 1984/85 Red Sox text chain: “Happy Easler!” Teammates collectively roll their eyes and mutter, “for the 42nd year in a row, Wade. Give it a rest.”

Catholicism would be kinda cool without a lot of stuff. I really love old churches. I like the architecture, I enjoy sitting in them. Especially when it’s dark and quiet. I also enjoy the smell. Most masses suck but one on a weekday in the seldom used chapel in the basement rules.

Great tattoo idea for an introverted Hell’s Angel: “I’d rather R.I.P. than RSVP”

When you were on Nevwr Not Funny @jessethorn.bsky.social did I hear that you were going to have @jimmypardo.com on an upcoming episode of Bullseye? If so, when? Thanks!

If MS Windows pushes me one more update this month … I don’t know … I don’t know … I don’t know what I’m going to do, actually, but I’ll be fuming and probably getting angry with the wrong people.

We’ve had Gallagher I and we lost him. The same for Gallagher II. The question on everyone’s lips today is: where is Gallagher III? Thank you for your attention to this matter.

I can’t believe that a Merrimack College ice hockey won cc the Hockey East championship. Absolutely insane to me. I watched a lot of bad hockey at MC when I went there in the mid 90s.

The Partridge Family dropping a harpsichord solo in the middle of their biggest hit is so punk rock.

Holy shit.

The congressional switchboard number is (202) 224-3121. Put it in your cell phone. Use it. If you're not calling at least once a week, you're not doing your part

I listen to lots of podcasts and the amount of comedians who like baseball seems big. @jessethorn.bsky.social @pftompkins.bsky.social @jimmypardo.com and David Cross have all talked baseball on their shows and it’s awesome. When will someone launch a comedy/baseball podcast? It’d be a hit. Huh?

I really thought Hamnet would have more pigs and more internet.

Won’t be long before summer’s here. Boy wakes up, looks at a calendar sees a circled date at the end of the month, nods and knows it’s almost time to be back in town. At the same time a cool chick knows it’s about time she stops dancin on the floor shakin what she’s got. The duality of March.

Every time I look at my weather app it’s like next four days is sub zero cold with snow and sleet. But after that it’s 60-70 degrees with sunshine and clear skies. BUT. WE. NEVER. GET. TO. THE. END. OF. THOSE. FOUR. DAYS.

Now that CNN and WBD are set to become state media in a sale to Paramount/Oracle/TikTok, it is especially important to support independent media. Off the top of my head: www.thehandbasket.co 404media.co www.garbageday.email Add your favorites in the replies. Fuck state-backed media monopolies.

Halls. C’mon man, I’m already feeling sick, don’t yell at me to do more work like you’re a JV basketball coach.

@jeffpearlman.bsky.social my daughter is considering UDel (she was accepted). We went there on Sat and it looked great—saw your Bonds book outside of the English dept. She’s on the fence, any thoughts on the school, your time there, etc? Why did you go?

Yeah, I’m an Unc. An uncut gem. I have crippling anxiety, completely self destructive and highly annoying. And like Adam Sandler, I’m born on September 9.

More public places should have nap rooms.

I get daily emails from Panera (I have no idea why either) and it’s from the address MyPanera. Every day I think it’s from MyPantera and I’m like, “why are they emailing me? I don’t like them that much.” And then I think the same thing about Panera when I realize my mistake.

I’m m writing a screen play, should I have the sassy nun character say: “Your head is up your ass but you still can’t see shit.” Or: “Your head is up your ass but you still don’t know shit.” This is very important.

@daveholmes.bsky.social as a huge fan of your Sudden Impact and MTV podcasts (as well as Truu Stoway), anything new coming soonish?

For Liam.

Yesterday, five-year-old Liam and his dad Adrian were released from Dilley detention center. I picked them up last night and escorted them back to Minnesota this morning. Liam is now home. With his hat and his backpack.

I’m glad we decided to combine all of the Januarys into one long month so that we’ll never have to do this stupid month again. Because that’s the only reason why these last 29 days have been taking an eternity.

@chadfinn.bsky.social Assuming Belichick is elected to the HoF next year, what are the odds that he attends the 2027 ceremony? 50/50?

@chadfinn.bsky.social do you know if FOX and Verizon are any closer to a deal? It’s been about six weeks.

Man. Dry January just ain’t happening this year, is it folks?

A bad lunch starts with a sadwich.

Life hack! The song specifically says that (Hearing) the Humpty Dance is really your only chance to do the Hump. Dude, if you own that CD, you can play that song all day and look like MC Hammer on crack anytime you want! Follow this account for more life hacks.

Man, I sewed a lot of eating and drinking those last two weeks of December. I am not reaping any benefits of that is I try to get my fat ass in shape in January.

Five years ago.

@craigcalcaterra.bsky.social was that comedians April Richardson and Chip Pope in your newsletter today? April’s “Go Bayside!” was the first podcast I regularly listened to (and it’s one of my favorites). And I loved Chip on MTV’s “Austin Stories” from back in the day. Wow. Really cool.

Honest question: why Cowboy and not cowmen? Or bullboys? Or even better yet, bullmen?

@chadfinn.bsky.social any update on FOX and Verizon?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALENDARS 🎉

This is the oldest I’ve ever been. Now I’m older. Now more older than that. Now even more older than that. Old nauseam.

I don’t know why I’m addicted to my phone. Facebook sucks. It’s all stuff I don’t care about. BlueSky is fine but I end up getting depressed. Instagram is full of ads for things I don’t need or want. The Red Sox message board I’m on is eight guys fighting about the most mundane shit imaginable.

The last two weeks of every year I eat and drink what I want, don’t shave, rarely brush my teeth, go to sleep late and wake up later. I put a tree in my house. After 14 days my stomach kills, I’m perpetually confused, my teeth hurt and the tree is dead. So no, I won’t come to your bacchanal.

No one thinks I’m funny when I bellow out “LET US PROCLAIM THE MYSTERY OF FAITH” like I’m at church. And then follow it up with a 25-minute diatribe on how dumb Fred Durst is for thinking his band should have been able to cover that song.

During the last two weeks of the year, it’s complete chaos. I only had Jingle Jangle for dinner. I drank four beers at lunch. Down is up.