“…because I’m a cretin and a coward!”

JESUS CHRIST.

Dude was an ICU nurse. ICE vs. Good wasn’t enough on the nose, now it’s ICE vs. ICU.

Well, I mean, you might google “gas masks,” because the people you are protesting are almost definitely going to gas you, you ghoul.

Hey thank you!

Today 1/22, 5pm eastern, 2pm pacific: I’m going LIVE on my IG with the indestructible MATT PINFIELD to talk all things ‘90s Cruise. Join us! www.instagram.com/daveholmes

You do sometimes get the sense that on some level he knows the world is going to turn into a Lionel Richie video the moment he dies.

Clear and splendid thoughts from the president of the United States. (And a wonderful bonus from the Fox News chyron.)

If a guy in a nursing home were going on like this, his kids would be getting a call from the staff recommending a more advanced level of care.

Powerful stuff.

This is real. What’s the point of being evil and in charge if you are ALSO THIS CORNY

GodDAAMN @davidjroth.bsky.social defector.com/fascists-are...

Imagine thinking “this is an act of violence”instead of “our boys got outwitted by buckets of water and should go home.”

Takes a special kind of person to remove the allure of both bisexuality and MDMA.

Please pray that this brave American warrior never encounters a moderately aggressive elevator door.

The Golden Globes backstage announcing…I can only assume Bari Weiss is behind it.

Snuffy Smith movie when

Wrote a full paragraph of extremely sick Jesse Watters burns for this. My wise editor said, “I love these, but is he worth the space?” He is not. Fuck him. Fuck all these losers.

Some thoughts (and a HILARIOUS dogshit AI MTV tribute video) www.esquire.com/entertainmen...

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

“It has to be [absolute mangling of the word ‘judicious’], because that’s what we’re about” is a little on the nose.

So…Maduro was a brutal narcoterrorist who needed to be brought to justice, but also “he could have been living somewhere else right now, very happy?”

As a resident of Los Angeles: NOPE

President Mucinex Dad up here talking about people are going to restaurants again, it’s cool, it’s great, thanks everyone

It is objectively perfect that people are posting about MTV going off the air forever last night instead of turning on the television and noticing that it did not.

Third Proclaimer lookin ass

big tech 20 years ago: we invented a phone that also has full-color internet big tech today: we invented a program that will tell you that you're brave enough to kill yourself but doesn't know how many fingers and toes you have, it now runs your dishwasher

If people do not regularly go to the theater, they forget how to do it and before long they are like “theator: is toilet?” and then when they see a theater they use it as a toilet due to that confusion and I would like to hear more discussion about this because of my high intelligence levels

Marriage Travel Homosex

NOBODY WANTS THIS

12/23 is traditionally Hear A Newscaster Say “Grab Snatch” Day

You’d better wise up, Bari Weiss.

If I have to see that photo of her looking like she’s giving an invisible child a scalp massage one more fucking time I swear to god

A mixed bag of a year, but music-wise? It was crunky. music.apple.com/us/playlist/...

The mediocre performing for the insecure.

How about if we hear people saying these kinds of things, even if they are tenth graders, we launch them directly into the sun?

Susie Wiles is serving Darkest Timeline Elderly Lucy Van Pelt.

The non-2025 songs that scored my 2025 music.apple.com/us/playlist/...

You see it right

If you see this, repost with your model of positive masculinity.

Started Heated Rivalry last night, and I don’t care whether either lead actor is gay, but I’m glad they chose two men who are authentically caked the fuck up. Visibility matters.

Zonker’s nephew in Doonesbury lookin ass

Crispin Glover on Letterman vibes.

Waiwaiwait: “strong floor no ceiling” is REAL?

In the last few months, I’ve started lifting weights, and annoyingly it has improved my life in exactly all the ways they tell you it’s going to. This machine has made it all easier. If you’re looking for a home gym for your 2026 self-improvement, I recommend. www.esquire.com/lifestyle/a6...

Hi it’s me your dad

Background lookin like he’s on a capsized cruise ship

“Over there own citizens.” Dude can’t be bothered to learn the third-grade basics of his own mother tongue, got some nerve calling anyone else incompetent.

A talent show.

I am wearing The Sweater.