“ALRIIIIIGHT! Donald Trump is going to talk for a while!” - the world

The guy who does the song about a girl where everyone’s first impression of her is that she’s really innocent but when you get to actually talking to her you find out she’s kinda got a dirty mind has pulled out of the Freedom 250 Concert

Three speakers in a row at the Paxton victory party have said “Talarico thinks God is non-binary” to loud booooos from the audience. Lot of enthusiasm for God’s dick up in here.

“This is my wife, and I’m Dan, Ken Paxton’s son-in-law.” -this dead-eyed dork on my television

I am 95% of the way toward a sub-2:00 marathon, the remaining 5% is running faster.

A commitment to discuss!

Until further notice, this is what I’ll be saying when I bail on things I didn’t want to do. I wanted to go to your 9pm show in Echo Park, but circumstances pertaining to Government, and my love for the United States of America, do not allow me to do so.

I don’t know when or why people started saying “welcome back” at the VERY BEGINNING of a podcast episode, but I do know I don’t like it.

Thought the lyric in Grease went “there is a lion in the reelin’ wheel,” and I’ve just been going with that for decades.

Where I’m landing right now.

Christopher Nolan has defiled the ancient Greek tourism brochure The Odyssey.

For real how can you not know you look like a Smurf

Okay I’m starting a Substack and I am still figuring out what it IS, but what it is right now is a good place to drop a Eurovision primer for the American and Eurocurious. It’s going to be a hot one this year. substack.com/@glueguy/not...

This piece is outstanding, and I don’t want to help boost the views of the clip in the thumbnail, but you really won’t believe how bad that guy is at biting a cheeseburger.

Real winners, these Paul guys. www.notus.org/congress/wil...

JUSTICE FOR ESTONIA

Guy next to me at the airport bar just ordered a sweet tea. Bartender: “ummm we don’t like HAVE sweet tea, but ima make you something like what I think a sweet tea is. Are you willing to go on this journey with me?” I might miss my flight to see how this pans out.

When I was 10 years old, the Bugs Bunny cartoons had jokes about Peter Lorre and Edward G. Robinson and we ate that shit up.

A simple plea from me to you. Read and share and knock this shit off. www.esquire.com/news-politic...

Okay now see this is real, and it is so much sadder and dumber than the fake twitter posts about drive downhill to save gas or whatever

The cop from the Village People is the only appropriate law enforcement official to bring down the Trump administration.

The way Spencer Pratt spoke to Frangela on the US I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is disqualifying on its own.

“White man making this series of faces” has been the official Republican Party platform for my entire life

Bluesky Nation: International Waters is BACK, and #MaxFunDrive is NOW. Help us get to 150 new or upgrading members, we’re so close! MaximumFun.org/join www.instagram.com/reel/DXwVxz4...

It would be fun and great if the Times did a roundtable of people who never voted for him and they could casually and relateably point out that none of this shit ever happened.

I was kinda Noah Kahan-neutral until this new album and once I got to “Dan” I had to sit down and full shoulder-action cry.

WHOOT

‘He’s very very sane,” like “I met my husband by chance,” just has the ring of truth.

All purpose

“Big, fat, hug” is going to be the thing that radicalizes me.

I’m becoming a real George Fouracres-head.

“DoorDash Grandma” doesn’t even come close to the top ten on today’s Bleakest American Shit countdown.

Credit where it’s due: she definitely looms.

I'm about to join @jimmypardo.com on stage for The @NeverNotFunny.com 20th Anniversary Spectacular! Watch live at nevernotfunny.com #NNF20

I’m sorry but this woman looks like Alfred E. Neuman.

Not the biggest thing, but when this is over, let’s not say “POTUS” anymore. It’s like calling The Replacements “The ‘Mats.” Unearned and weird.

If you ask a couple who is NOT reportedly at the center of an international sex trafficking ring how they met and the first thing one of them says is “WE MET BY CHANCE,” you are at the very least thinking “Oh, the apps.”

“I met my husband by chance” is such a wonderfully normal thing to say.

YESSSSS

Can’t name a guy Blanche and expect him not to be horny.

When you need to see the dumbest possible take, there is only one place to go.

Not the point, but this guy looks like Doug.

Loves the Bible! Old Testament and New Testament equally!

Love Story finale spoiler: I’m pretty sure that at your funeral, the priest does not splish holy water all over your headshot.

These people are even corny when they’re kinky.

These people are in a Deadest Behind The Eyes pageant, and they’re all winning.

This is smart because cash prices are lower at gas stations so you can think of him while you trade one of these in for one seventh of a gallon of gas www.nytimes.com/live/2026/03...

Why insult Benny Johnson by suggesting he’s gay when you can just link to his YouTube show THE LEFT CAN’T MEME. Benny may or may not be gay, but he is definitely corny and his attempts to laugh make you wonder whether you will ever experience pleasure again. youtu.be/5IK4N4xtcMg?...