Aloysius Coldbrew

RIP satire. It died!

Found its target audience of nobody

Live your life in such a way that people don’t immediately run out of things to say about you as a person and can only talk about you in terms of your relationship to other people.

This is very very good.

It’s not the important thing, but why does Ken Paxton walk like a sulky 8th grader

There’s so such thing as basking in reflected glory, it turns out. Glory is a finite resource and when you take someone else’s, they lose it.

“They ruin everything they touch” feels like a lesson we should have internalized long ago.

Notes on a playlist. open.substack.com/pub/holmesvi...

For my Spotify people open.spotify.com/playlist/1BR...

“What if everything is the finale forever” is a such a perfect expression of this particular worldview.

the nonstop grand finale fireworks display against the serviceman singing the 70s gay blowjob anthem with the vineyard vines broccoli children clapping all along is significant somehow

I can do a II too. Happy 4th. music.apple.com/us/playlist/...

It’s gonna be like an Amber Alert but everyone’s phones will play C’mon Ride The Train.

For users of other streaming platforms. Thanks, Greg!

Happy birthday, America! You’re weird. music.apple.com/us/playlist/...

See now I want this fair to stay open forever and slowly become a cult favorite like Can’t Stop The Music.

Has this been done

This July 4 should have been the coolest weekend of our lives AND MAYBE IT STILL CAN BE but prob not. www.instagram.com/reel/DaRFn_K...

Straight up ghoul shit. Shame on us.

Get in on the ground floor of my new Substack while I figure out how to do a Substack open.substack.com/pub/holmesvi...

Yes! Go! Give us your apartment!

Absolutely not the important thing here, but this guy walks like a 10 year old.

What a cool guy!

Feeling this way about Topo Chico right now not gonna lie youtu.be/ub0GzU56YMA?...

pixelframe.design/new-york-kni...

Great daughter. My honor!!!

Advertise your Bluesky account with a Simpsons GIF

Same energy youtu.be/3z9qrs_5b8s?...

If you’re going to call something Freedom 250, then it better be 278% better than George Michael’s “Freedom ‘90,” and this just wasn’t. www.esquire.com/news-politic...

Mom from The Family Circus lookin ass

A childhood reading The Wizard of Id made me an adult who expects lightning bolts that go ZOT.

Well, suits had a good run.

I was looking for an emotional connection to the World Cup and right away someone got a penalty for SIMULATION. I’m in.

If your eyes are open, you can learn something novel and valuable on the drive to the airport.

goodbye, spencer

“When you’re with the Flintstones, why can’t you have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, a STRAIGHT old time?” - what a lot of people sound like in June.

“Sniveling” is always kind of redundant, right? Until we are able identify and define a proper snivel, I say we can it.

Peabo Bryson was on an episode of All My Children in the early ‘90s, and it transpired that he and Livia Frey (Tonya Pinkins) had performed together in the past, and what sticks out is that she called him “Peabo BREEson.” I thought: that’s not how I’ve heard it said, but Livia would know. RIPeabo

One final appeal to your common sense www.instagram.com/reel/DZFohEb...

“ALRIIIIIGHT! Donald Trump is going to talk for a while!” - the world

The guy who does the song about a girl where everyone’s first impression of her is that she’s really innocent but when you get to actually talking to her you find out she’s kinda got a dirty mind has pulled out of the Freedom 250 Concert

Three speakers in a row at the Paxton victory party have said “Talarico thinks God is non-binary” to loud booooos from the audience. Lot of enthusiasm for God’s dick up in here.

“This is my wife, and I’m Dan, Ken Paxton’s son-in-law.” -this dead-eyed dork on my television

I am 95% of the way toward a sub-2:00 marathon, the remaining 5% is running faster.

A commitment to discuss!

Until further notice, this is what I’ll be saying when I bail on things I didn’t want to do. I wanted to go to your 9pm show in Echo Park, but circumstances pertaining to Government, and my love for the United States of America, do not allow me to do so.

I don’t know when or why people started saying “welcome back” at the VERY BEGINNING of a podcast episode, but I do know I don’t like it.

Thought the lyric in Grease went “there is a lion in the reelin’ wheel,” and I’ve just been going with that for decades.