I only WISH I could have shown up for school smelling like weed. My dad was a garbage man and my mom was a porn actress. I showed up for school smelling like trashy jizz rags. And trust me … those rags can hold a lot of jizz.

RIP to all the American soldiers who are about to die to protect a paedophile from accountability 😭😭😭

Valentine’s Day Dinner after 30+ years of marriage is the same as a lonely single guy … canned chili and stale crackers. #AintFightingThoseCrowds

BREAKING: Donald Trump's approval rating has now slipped to lower than the approval rating for Do-It-Yourself Prostate Exams.

I’m no conspiracy theorist but who would kidnap the mother of one of America’s Sweethearts (I know … it’s a stretch)?? It would have to be someone who wants the news off of its current level of pedophilia saturated news bites. But I just can’t figure out who.

Lemme see if I’ve got this right … Pam Bondi was an Epstein girl??

wanna feel old? the gilmore girls are now gilless women. because of inflation

MAGA needing their own all white halftime show to protect their fragility, is peak snowflake

Dear Australia, Uruguay, Poland, Norway, UK, Macedonia, France, Sweden, Latvia and Lithuania, So is he a rapist/murderer or what? Your friend Bob

I’m giggling over the fact that MAGA’s collective brain is fried over a pretty unique halftime show. God it must be hard to be a racist.

I’m proud to say I wouldn’t even know where to watch the Racist Half Time Show.

Y'know ... at this point, I'd be happy with an "Oops. Our bad." out of ICE. Take responsibility for once instead of lying to the American public.

They’re finally gonna find out that the left does own guns.

Sold my soul for a buck fifty.

A small part of me wants to watch Donald Trump’s first steps into Hell on PPV. But then another part of me wants to be there live to witness this monumental moment in American history.

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

My error. I turned on the TV, and I thought he was dead.

i still can't believe donald trump made it illegal to shit clean. the toilet paper lobby must have got to him. "stank up your butthole, for america," he said. i don't think he should have done that. or said that

If you ever find yourself entertaining the idea of having a sexual fantasy about me, please note for the record I have an extremely flat ass. I’m talkin” F-L-A-T. So as you get yourself worked up in your fantasy about me when you go to squeeze my ass gently, it will feel like two melting notebooks.

I have a fantasy. Someday Trump gets tripped up and exposed for the charlatan he is. All of MAGA turns on him and says we were right all along. I have another fantasy which includes a Filipino midget in a maid’s costume and stained sheets.

I’m honored to have been selected as the first recipient of the Bill Bledsoe Peace Prize given by ol’ Bill himself. Goofy old coot woke up yesterday and started handing out Peace Prizes. I’m wearing mine with pride like a bitch.

As long as Pringles exist, I can see me having weight “issues”.

I despise Thanksgiving dinner. I’d rather eat hairball soup than turkey.

If the President doesn’t want to be called a Russian asset, perhaps he should stop acting like a Russian asset.

Where's this Rainbow Bridge that everyone takes their sick pets to? My cat won't stop shitting on my bathmat.

Miss Piggy FTW

Putting the soul in winter soulstice

opened a fortune cookie and it just started laughing at me

I know this is wrong.

🤣🤣

You don’t hear people talking about “the American Dream” anymore.

It's always hard to pick a worst day politically, but today the president called for the death of members of the opposition party, and the administration decided that people were being too hard on the swastika

when God closes a door he opens a window because he thinks it's funny to force people to climb through windows

SHITTY PICK-UP LINES FOR FAT GUYS: I’d like to bruise your tailbone.

Don’t make fun of Christians or they will kill you, per Trump.

Explain this to me like I’m a five year old. You’re saying Trump enjoys fucking children but since his prick no longer works, he’s fucking them by taking their food away? Whatever floats your boat, Uncle Fucker. I guess that’s what he means by pro choice. Your choice is dinner or dicking.

At 12:01 AM the government will shut down. This is the first time the government has had to shut down since 2019. Trump was in charge back then too. Goddamn … America is great again!

JD’s prom date

Okay hear me out … we all start referring to a “Ronald Chump” who’s a bloated orange fuck puddle of shit and smegma and we all know who we’re talking about but he can’t sue us because he’s too goddamned stupid to figure it out. That’s my plan anyway.

Hey … what time does the Rapture start? I’m having pizza delivered and want to make sure I eat before I’m damned for eternity.

I have to hand it to Trump. Kimmel has had his job back for more than a day and the walking diseased taint has yet to post “I HATE DISNEY”. He’s getting soft in his senility.

What time does the Rapture start!? Do I have time for a shower?

Nancy Mace must have some wicked PMS.

Groyper?!? I hardly know her!

Release the Files. It's what Charlie would have wanted. Well ... that and a bulletproof helmet.