When I get to name the frozen drink at the bar

So my step grandmother died this week. Don't express sympathy — she wouldn't have wanted that or pity from me for her passing, so I don't want it from anyone else. I don't even know how to begin eulogizing this woman other than she was a bitter old German banshee whose hater energy was legendary

if anyone was wondering about the entire order line read of the 55 burger sketch in German

I would fucking love to hear "I Think You Should Leave" dubbed in German.

Of all the "weird hair growths you get while growing older" to get, the "random long single eyebrow hair" isn't the worst but is always annoying

Jerking Donald Trump off has to be like trying to squeeze wood glue out of an old, partially clogged bottle, even down to the consistency, color, and tack.

I visited Dachau yesterday. I still can't stop thinking about it — I left it emotionally numb and today broke down sobbing in the shower thinking about it again. And the most disturbing aspect was how uncanny the described rise of the Reich was to right now. It CAN happen here. It IS happening

Inside Jared Goff are two wolves: One is Jared Goof, one is Jared Godf

The TouchTunes jukebox may be the single most evil and destructive thing foisted upon unsuspecting bars

Karrion Kross discourse has to be *the most* insufferable thing the IWC has latched onto in a while. Yeah, I prefer a guy who has a fun character over whatever marblemouthed black trunks darling is the current fixation, plenty do.

ADJSHFGAHJDSFGK - dashare.zone ADMIN

My translation of a viral Japanese meme summarizing decades of U.S. complaints about Japan not buying enough American cars (while not making the kind of cars Japanese consumers actually want):

We're getting word of a potential new Groverhaus situation, and we're monitoring it very closely

“Yeah, Elon is throwing up swastikas and helping tank the economy and dismantle our federal institutions, but X is just so much more active with people and fun.” You people are fucking losers.

Yeah, done here until October. General opinion/stance: negative. What a waste of time hobby.

Moratorium on hot honey on fast food items when

Quit freaking out. Remember that in 10,000 B.C., when America had ZERO international trade, a family could afford a house like this on a single income.

If I’m upset, I don’t want to get a DM asking if I’m okay from someone who doesn’t ever message me otherwise. We’re not friends, you’re not my therapist, I don’t need cursory sympathy. If you want to know how okay I am, ask me when I’m having a good day.

Oi, droog, ya skazated “Thank you” once?

You either die a theater kid or live long enough to see yourself become a Dark Cabaret artist.

I wanna be one of those guys who predominantly says “lavatory”

Punk’s comments about Mox have aged like a fine wine.

Gavin Newsom said his 13 year old was being influenced by far right podcasters… so Newsom created his own podcast to have them on and be friends with them. Incredible example being set. We are so cooked

I hate this fucking guy

Nice argument. Unfortunately for you, I have already portrayed myself as the $1.50 gigantic Costco hot dog and you as the $7.49 pathetic Five Guys hot dog

Yo, you mean they're putting drugs in the fentanyl?

The first part is a haiku: I recently caught my dad blasting rope to this wretched lizard whore

countless donation dollars pouring into democratic think tanks and they can't find a strategy that beats trump declaring it "rabbit season" or "duck season"

trump: "democrats are weak, they're pathetic, they are like sick dogs to me. not people! they are not people!!!" democrats: *silently holding a tiny sign that says "not true" like daffy duck*

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last Soyfaces towards Bethlehem to be born

I actually think the dems should attend the SOTU, wait till the 2nd sentence, and then walk out en masse, that'll do it, there'll be no address, he'll just have a meltdown on national Tv

When I’m trying to write in GoogleDoc and it keeps autoformatting things

//Real talk, if your politics are shit I’m probably already not working with you, but using your efedding account to broadcast them is particularly stupid.

[actor crying for Oscar win] I would like to thank my beautiful children Asterix and Pakistan

we are not a proud race

Update the Divine Comedy and put Steve Jobs in one of Satan’s three mouths.

The jerk store called. They voted 11-3 to unionize! Everyone welcome Jerks Local 217

Feeling cute might go scorched earth

Hakeem Jeffries when there's a DSA candidate for dogcatcher in Carroll Gardens: You are the enemy of the people. May God strike you down. I am going to break everything in your house Hakeem Jeffries when Donald Trump kills Gerry Connolly: Dr. Trump I hereby ask you to please cut it out

happy 50th to gamesmaster anthony

To Pimp a Fluttershy (Don't you people fucking come for me)

My pronouns are CAPTAIN/COKE.

Age yourself with a movie you saw in the theater 🎬📽️