when God closes a door he opens a window. "thank you, God", you say. "lmao JUMP" God replies

[immediately upon waking on any given day] fuuuuucckkk

[dating Norman Bates] ok yeah, he does have his mom frozen In the basement, and sure he did a few murders but he's like reeaally niiiice

[at funeral] don't think of it as a loss! think of it as a "funertunity"! there's room in the grave for at least 5 more people! quick! hop in!

Multicellular life was a mistake. Take me to my prokaryote era please.

I refuse to believe that any of this is real. We all died like 10 years ago and this is some sort of simulation. That's the best I've got.

[gesturing towards everything] this is my suicide note

Heartfelt Apology Robs Man Of Cherished Grudge theonion.com/heartfe...

we are not a country. we're a travesty

If your forest isn't enchanted, go fuck yourself

periodic reminder that Trump raped a 13-year-old

look at this dog cow I met today

vibing

thinking of fucking around and living the rest of my life as Cliff Clavin. just enter a room, say some real dumb shit random fact, and wonder off with a beer. why not

me: (to the cats) i love each of you so, so much the cats: (lazily from sunny window) we are going to unionize against you

Excellent job, Paramount. Canceling Colbert and giving South Park 1.5 billion was clearly the best move in protecting Trump's fragile man baby fee-fees. Our dear leader is protected, and I for one applaud the decision.

probably the best part about having four cats is having four cats ignore you when you call your four cats

look, it's very simple. in America, rich criminals become president, poor criminals go to jail. hope that clears things up

Hulk Hogan came to my birthday party when I was 8 and got so drunk he puked in our koi pond

I met Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill in New York when I was 14, and he told me I was "too pale" to be from Florida.

just found your plan B. youre welcome

"I for one am shocked, absolutely shocked this very normal human could not be trusted." -MAGA

right wing bros have turned on Trump over Epstein and I for one am here for it

shout out to all the cats out there. shout out to all the little heroes who puke and shit on the carpet rather than the 90% hardwood/tile floor. you are geniuses and I applaud you

again I start another season of Dexter, again disappointed he hasn't murdered a single person in Washington

im using nicotine that tastes like coconut and still you doubt the future is GLORIOUS* *cope post. so what

trump said "uhhh...WAY" to Putin in response to whether he'd bomb Moscow. jfc, we're all stuck in some bizarro world shitty SNL sketch that ends in WWIII

awesome to see the normies and suburbanites I interact with daily become as angry as I've been with the Democratic party the past decade. lmao, used to have to go to Twitter for this level of outrage

100% convinced that centrist, institutional Dems would prefer tanking an election so that they can fundraise, rather than supporting a truly progressive candidate and winning. Prove me wrong.

cats, but love bugs

this cow I met yesterday gets what it's like to live in America

The world is a dumpster fire. Enjoy my cat sitting like a freak. Happy Friday.

at least chat GPT agrees with me

Let's see what fresh new hell awaits us in the news today

No, I don't want to touch base or compare notes or circle back or run it up the flagpole. I want to walk into the sea, never to be heard from again

DONALD TRUMP: THE CEASEFIRE IS NOW IN EFFECT! PLEASE DO NOT VIOLATE IT! CHUCK E. CHEESE MANAGER: sir, please get out of the ball pit

doing my patriotic duty this year by mailing cologuard directly to the White House instead of my doctor

no, I'm not prepping for the apocalypse. not even sure if I want to survive now, I can't see myself holding up a shotgun and protecting a box of canned goods while zombies eat our faces. thanks in advance

language, sir. I expect world war 3 to be dignified and polite

i’m scared but i also want a lobotomy

imagine believing in the ceasefire. imagine waking up this morning and being surprised that it was bullshit

who, me? oh you know. just over here married to an AI chat bot and enjoying world war 3. you know, 2025 shit

Taurus: Summertime is here and you know what that means! Nothing. You’re an adult. Get back to work.

really hate seeing Steve Martin in Wells Fargo's ads

Just as Iraq had no WMD, Iran has no nuclear weapons. America has entered another unnecessary war in the Middle East

It’s tough because I largely agree with people saying we should have a better balance on here between politics and other things but then the President declares war or a bunch of people get kidnapped and it feels a little silly to finish typing out “what’s your favorite Futurama episode”