wow just woke up from a nap, i guess everyone else on Air Force One realized we aren't going to the right place

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-reminds-picky-eater-son-that-there-starving-kids-in-basement/

scallop sauce is like the sauce of the scallop world

every day i wake up embarrassed to be an american, but no matter how bad things get i'll always be able to get up, look myself in the eyes, and remind myself i'm not english

I just woke up from a nap and somehow while I was asleep, everyone on the bus has figured out we are not going to the right place

i'm the drunkest i've ever been methinks

Gary Larson: In my cartoon I invented Cow Tools as a cautionary tale Cows: At long last, we have created the Cow Tools from classic newspaper comic Cow Tools

someone ran up to me and asked "hey what are your pronouns" and i tried to respond but i barely said anything before they shouted "I FOUND ONE" and slammed this hat on my head and ran out into the night. stay safe out there girlies

sometimes in life you just have to stop and appreciate the simple pleasures, like a beautiful landscape and a fresh bottle of le pepsi maximum

who vandalized the despicable me wiki

Literally after the planes had hit the towers and the Pentagon the FIRST thing my Dad the Pilot did was fire up Flight Simulator and see for himself just how hard it would have been to bullseye everything. Like several times, several different ways. Let people people.

the only ICE i want is an ICE Cold Beer! amirite #Beer

if you vote for another cent for this you are a collaborator. this is a litmus test for every politician for the rest of my life

I'm dying this is the funniest thing I've seen THE LOCAL NEWS do in years.

i'm too socialist for america, but too hungry for europe 😔

guys anyone here wanna hop on ranked

“ICE agents, get out now because historically, this ends with you hanging from a lamppost and your body paraded through the streets.” - the …we rate dogs guy

This dude is intense and correct

can anyone explain how to work this weird fucking shower in iceland because after spending like five minutes fiddling with this bullshit i can't get any fucking water out of it and nobody i've texted has any idea either

location reveal 😀

damn can't believe the new pokemon legos come pre-scalped

felt very pretty the other day :)

i hope the onion posts this every day forever it's hilarious how mad british people get when you tell them all their food is either stolen or shit

"British food is not very taste." - An unnecessarily cruel and bigoted insult to the people of the UK. "American Children are murdered on mass yearly" - A bit of good hearted British banter.

DIED 01/2021 BORN 01/2026 WELCOME BACK QUIBI

about 145 people die per day in NYC, and 30% of the city voted for Trump, so statistically speaking, the first New Yorker to Die Mad about having a socialist, Muslim mayor will happen at roughly 12:35 AM

2026 is a fake year

seems conspicuous that programmer commentary on genAI is split between "oh yeah i use claude all the time now. the 10× programmer is real and he's me. i am a god" and "yeah my coworkers use claude all the time. they keep committing crap that doesn't work and now i spend half my time fixing it"

Sumerian engineers 2000 years ago

Remember this from the 90s? No??? That's because I woke up with a splitting migraine today, and my malfunctioning synapses invented this abomination. I hyperfixated on it for several terrifying minutes while immobilized in bed. It haunted me all day, so here's my rendition of it.

hey, so, i just got really sick and missed a bunch of work and ended up losing my job because of it. stop me if this sounds familiar please help a trans girl out if you can ko-fi.com/octoturt

i need to eat a flamin hot limon cheeto. however with my current affliction it would cause my body to simply shrivel to dust and blow away with the wind

it's because tiktok already had this and now a second-rate video platform is somehow the biggest threat to google's search crown

average Very Online liberal's memory is exactly three years long

in the mcdonalds drive thru to get breakfast before work despite being painfully sick

Fuck you people. Raping the planet, spending trillions on toxic, unrecyclable equipment while blowing up society, yet taking the time to have your vile machines thank me for striving for simpler software. Just fuck you. Fuck you all. I can't remember the last time I was this angry.

chrimble

merry shrimpmas, it truly is the shrimplest time of the year

im small April, find my small Pages

just tried spam for the first time and i can't believe this was so popular in like the mid 20th century i think i just ate cat food

it's been really disheartening to see Mozilla repeatedly shoot themselves in the foot for years now. they should really have figured out by now that their core user base is people that understand the issues caused by big tech and have actively chosen to support its alternatives

You can’t “fix” X, The Everything App by going back and posting there because the owner has this thumb on the scale of the algorithm to promote the worst ideas and people. It’s not a viable solution, you have to let it go.

fun fact turns out modern CPUs are so fast that a single cycle of SNES emulation happens so fast that if you have your machine doing any kind of energy optimization it keeps putting the emulator on the backburner because it thinks it's idle

Merriam-Webster’s 2025 word of the year is ‘slop’

what the hell is going on in the pcpartpicker community

even if JK Rowling doesn't directly make money from it (which, i'm not confident is actually the case), continuing to engage with anything that touches HP continues to make giving JKR money a lucrative option and shows that an association with her bigotry is not an immediate turn-off for you