Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

President Trump announces that, beginning Monday, the US will begin to escort cargo ships trapped in the Strait of Hormuz since the war with Iran began.

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

"Sorry, I have to pause this show. I have to see what that actor's wife looks like and her photo isn't in her Wikipedia page."

DOCTOR: I told him he needed to get out to a show, that was how he would cure his depression. CHOTINER: So you learned this technique in school? DR: No, not— listen it was good advice. Pagliacci was in town. C: Right. Is it standard to give advice before learning a patient’s name? DR: Now look

Chuck Schumer: "I am proud to report that when a masked thug enters a journalist's home and kidnaps their child, we have negotiated that the child will get one juice box a week for up to 36 weeks."

The problem is that Kissinger for example lived to be 100

Fool me once, shame on you. I was expecting you to fool me like at least three times, and then hang out so I could fool you.

RIP Mike F

"My wife is a big fan of yours, I gotta say. Your work is legendary. But I'm wondering about your reindeer...they get a little tired, a bit off-course in the snow, maybe don't see a Grandma walking home?"

Every parent needs information, whether it's from other parents, books, or the internet. But the information needs to be accurate and safe. ChatGPT is neither.

hey does anybody want to mind some rich moron's five neglected kids while getting malnutrition in a shack full of dangerous snakes lmk. no pay

Oh you're a Pagliacci fan? Name three of his murders.

Franz kafka ruined waking up as a giant bug. now if you wake up as a bug it's automatically "kafkaesque"

Patient: But doctor, I am Pagliacci! Doctor: You're not Pagliacci. You killed Pagliacci. Patient: What?! Doctor: And I'm not a doctor. Patient: Oh my God, what is happening?? Doctor: We're on Shutter Island. It's a whole thing.

This shirt tried to gaslight me

Me when he finally has a funeral

Trump should have waited until 4th of July to announce his plan to bring back indentured servitude/slavery.

I say "Correct me if I'm wrong" only when I am 100% sure that I'm not wrong.

Gosh, Johnny, is this the Forbidden Area? I've got to see what the Elders are hiding, Susie! Look! What is it? It looks like our Learning Screen but made of paper! I think this is what they called a...a book! I wonder what a Hamlet is!! I will read it and tell you about it, Susie. Thanks Johnny.

JKR will spend the rest of her life locked into her bitter, hateful activities and they will never bring her peace or happiness.

For every doll you deny me I will push another jet off an aircraft carrier

The ocean demands another sacrifice

Garfield is becoming self-aware

You may see that RFK Jr is launching a new disease registry to track Americans with autism. In addition to the scary implications of that tracking, autism is not a disease.

Mindfulness? In THIS economy?

People will always say they’re your friend and they support you no matter what but then they’ll say some toxic shit to you like “you have to let go of the cursed amulet, it’s changing who you are” and “don’t let its power corrupt you” all because they want the amulet for themselves

Speed dating is where you have to tell Keanu reeves a little about yourself or this bus will explode

There are 2 Joan Crawford movies on Tubi now (but possibly leaving soon) that are not streaming anywhere else or on a DVD with captions: Autumn Leaves and Harriet Craig. Recommend!!

📣IT'S HAPPENING!🎉 I'm super excited to announce that my next indie game, VAPORWAVE PINBALL launches for Steam on APRIL 4th 2025... featuring: 🟢LOFI video pinball. 🔵Relaxing, liminal locations. 🟣5+ unlockable tables. 🟡Original vaporwave soundtrack. 🔴Less than $5.

Egg beating will continue until morale improves

Gene Hackman, one of the greats!!! My favorite movie of his is also one of my favorite movies of all time: The Conversation

RIP Washington Post

To: [email protected] From: Me RE: What did you do last week 1. Accused 2. Tried 3. Told to hang 4. I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang 5. Never was the kind to do as I was told Next week's agenda: Ride like the wind

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap on your resume? Me: I was in a cafe reading a comic book and I was pulled into the book by this cute motorcycle racer. We were chased for a while by his enemies until I escaped back to the cafe. I thought he died but then he also made it out of the book.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the murder ME: in the desert LAWYER: and who were you with ME: a horse LAWYER: and what is the name of this horse HORSE: (from back of courtroom) *does throat cut motion* ME: uhhh he didn’t have one

Oh god PBS too?! Cowards.

My hobbies include paying to run a cycle of empty washing machine in an attempt to get rid of the overpowering smell of the previous user's detergent, and then paying again to then wash my clothes.

I lost that board game because of the new green deal

I made mistakes on that report because my computer has the woke mind virus

You know why eggs are so expensive? Chickens have diversity policies. How do I know this? I have common sense.

"Host"

“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "because I'm so fucking exhausted."

The Boys are Back in Our Town. They love a good Thornton Wilder play.

I am just trying to get to my destination, Google Maps. I do not have time to chat with you about stalled vehicles or speed traps.