ass out flower ate this is how i like pollinate

Maybe if you eat it the other way the lettuce will not give you diarrhea?

I had an old thermometer which was showing that it was getting colder even though the temperature was rising. I took it to a psychic and she explained it is because Mercury is in retrograde.

"Leg Day" means something completely different if you are a cannabal.

There’s a very specific deadness behind Little Debbie’s eyes

My coworkers are like family to me. We don’t enjoy spending time together or have much in common

At the Self Checkout: Would you like to round up to the nearest dollar for charity? Would you like to round down to the nearest dollar cause poverty?

Ash: "Taco Bell?" Squirtle: "Squirtle! Sqqquuuuiiiirrrrrtttlllleeeee"

I’m hope the hair in Susan Collins’ shower drain becomes sentient and rearranges her meticulously curated skin suit collection

There are two wolves inside you and I know I am not supposed to kink shame, but that is just....... wrong.

Those who don’t learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it I am not even sorry you read this

I want to get a job as a person who writes Recipes online. I'd start off with, "In the summer of 1994 I remember we had this really good Lemon Pound cake.", but it would devolve into a gruesome murder, dismemberment, some REALLY sick shit and no one will ever know.

Superman can see through walls because of genetics. He got parental supervision.

There are now people on this earth that will hear flip phone and think that is super cool. Backflip phone.

a message in a bottle only it’s a taped note on the roomba i just set free

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" is just mansplaining anorexia.

I am wholly convinced that David Michelinie and Todd McFarlane saw sour dough starter before creating Venom.

I read a thing that said to save money you can make your own food from scratch but the hotdogs I made cost $2672.76 and I have all these pig corpses without lips, snouts or buttholes and frankly it is terrifying.

Her: What are you thinking about? Me: Looking pensive.

"You're all going to die" is a good example of something that is true but you shouldn't shout out in a bank.

Are vegans against worm castings too?

"retired" is short for "really tired"

It was the D'OH of times, it was the AY CARUMBA of times

"You can't say hospitality without spit." People would thay that to me when I wath a bellhop at the Rithth Parith.

Blackstreet and Gwen Stefani are strolling through a cemetary when suddenly they fall into a deep open grave. Luckily there were shovels at the bottom of it and Gwen picks them up. She hands shovels to Blackstreet but they refuse.

Price is Right had me understanding the value of a living room set way too young

My parody of a parody news source:

Were there really that many fake Shady's?

I used to be such a rebel. I went from ignoring threats from the FBI on VHS's to ignoring threatening emails from Disney. Yar

To the 3 people who will see this. I freaking love this: open.spotify.com/track/4N7alP...

FUCKING FIRE!!!!!!!!!! open.spotify.com/track/5GrWQv...

Pro tip: Saying "I'm not a fan of inbreeding" invites fewer follow up questions rather than saying "I don't like small dogs"

News guy: "A tornado touched down in a major metropolitan area today, 34 injured, one dead." Every other natural disaster:

Me: "Damn! I sold my roof rack for $1500.00!" My Friend: "Word?" Me: "No.... a number"

The world we live in is strange when hundreds of thousands of people die from raw milk including 65,000 in England and Wales from teh White Plague then someone invents pasteurization (Thanks Louis!) ending that and then some white people who smell like patchoui oil try to undo it.

When you are a big beefy guy with a nerdy name like Dwayne Johnson you really need a strong nickname.

I think I rented the wrong "Babes in Toyland" Nevermind. *Zip*

In the style of the Great Demetri Martin Jacked. Good: A person Bad: A car Interesting: A Transformer.

Getting kicked out of the garden centre for hanging around and when people walk by creepily whispering "I love yew so much"

"I need a new salad spinner" - The bougiest sentence ever spoken....

For sure Cain was Ableist