But also .

I just found out Destiny's Child's other parent was Happenstance

A reminder not to turn people's names into slurs this holiday season. Both Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch gained absurd levels of the holiday spirit. They reflected and changed for the better. Using their names as insults makes you a small, closeminded, and unforgiving person. #jokes

I we could could somehow design a machine that converts the blind, unwavering, almost insane loyalty that #swifty s have for #taylorswift. We could power the entire world indefinitely.

@dandyyylion.bsky.social was not brave enough to back up his very controversial rule.

Pro tip this Christmas: Enjoy hot chocolate more. It is the perfect Christmas drink. And if you spill some on the counter lick your finger and rub the powder on your gums like a cocaine aficionado.

I wonder if Sora could make Mickey Mouse do something actually funny.....

GOD: I will Destroy all evil in the world (along with all the good and neutral) by drowning it in a massive flood!!! Evil Fish and Ducks: 🖕

I used to be all like "WHOOMP There it is!" Now its more like "whoomp, where'd it go?"

I would like to see a social media platform that rations likes and comments like a seaswept castaway rations their last biscuit as the waves toss them and the sun bakes them.

Tricking children to study for the sciences by labeling their test as "Find out which Pokemon you are"

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

“Did you like that necklace I got you? You don’t remember? I gave it to you last week. You said you loved it. You really forgot that quickly?”

Formally apologizing to @davechapelle for some fuckwads in Edmonton. Bad eggs. We aren't like them.

Two-word Love Story: Where's Waldo?

Two-word love story: candle warmer

Psst... Hey you. Yes you. Do you have a lot of money and want to waste it? Do you lack common sense? Do you want to save 30 seconds on making a simple, uninspired snack? Are you unable to use a knife to spread jelly? If you answered yes to most of these questions I have the product for you!!!

Best books I have read this year: The Law of Nines - Terry Goodkind.

Sorry, I can't make the Christmas party. I am prepping for my False Advertising lawsuit against Ducks Unlimited.

What doesn't or does kill you may or may not make you stronger or weaker. I'm a Bluesky skeet. Not a fortune-teller. - Teller (not Penn.)

I don’t eat yogurt because it’s good for me. I do it gentrify my microbiome.

Spotify using the old Irish pagan Dec to Dec year... BURN THEM!

i want a girl with a short skirt and a looooong racket -me, at Wimbledon

There are few things that make me smile faster than when posts an opinion, then shuts off replies and quote posts. I don't like bread. No questions at this time. (Runs away from hounding reporters)

"Hooooolllyyyyy shit!!! You gotta check this OUT!" said the far too young and obviously stoned librarian, handing me the book I had asked for.

Putting on multiple gun holsters (hip, back, over the shoulder) and filling them all with Tropical Skittles

yeah. i’m a bad boy. i play by my own rules. which happen to have a lot of overlap with the regular rules, which despite the coincidence of being very similar to my rules, i am not following.

incredibly unprofessional of the vomit hose operator to wear jeans and a t-shirt. completely breaks the 1960's immersion for me

I was torn between coffee or chocolate milk for breakfast. So I had both.

Panic! At The Sobriety Checkpoint

now referring to all of my shirts and pants as "adult twosies"

Them: Backstreet's back. Me: yeah...ok... alright.

When she boutta hark on it

I am going to start calling him Michael Bubble until at least 4 fans scream at me.

Licking the spoons and tongs in the buffet line to assert my dominance.

But remember that the magical truth about Christmas gift shopping is

I will pay you 51 Canadian dollars to get outcha seat and jump around. Jump around.

Imma put the D in Pachelbel's Canon

And now onto the bonus round!! Is it a Eatmore bar or did someone drop their caramel on a dirt road?

DAAAAAMMMMMNNNNNN it. I actually liked the Rush hour movies.

I started to build a time machined, but then when I didn't immediately appear to tell myself how to do it faster, I figured I was going to fail anyway and gave up.

The Wizard of Oz was full of deceipt and was a charismatic figurehead, indicating that he would be better categorised as either the Sorceror or Warlock of Oz. In this dissertation I will....

"Well that's not entirely true, there are SOME worries, but none that are as a result of our interaction together. I am getting older so there are health concerns, and my taxes are a bit behind...." he corrected himself like a total idiot.

LOL!!!

What is ADHD like? Well I was once watching some show they went into first person mode. But they had zero head bob, they were smooth as hell. Super fake. Then later that day I tried walking smoothly so that there was no head bob. 1 hour later I had no idea where I had walked to.

Fixed it.

Are you DTF with OPP ASAP? This NSFW is FTW. If you miss it you will be like FML IYKYK

We are all anti-life, we just draw the line in different places. - Deep thoughts that make you angry

Has any EDM, House, Techno song ever started with "Forgive me father for I have Synth

bluesky is like if a flash mob of 38 year olds came to post on 2009 twitter