After my third joke, a health meter appears over my therapist’s head

yeah but look inside the lens: 🔎 🧫»💩

you wouldnt believe me if i told you

I have combined all my my chakras into one flow known as the Voltron chakra. ACTIVATE INTERLOCKS!

You can feel my energy? That is a lie. I had my chakras removed a decade ago.....

Governor McCheese stared at his phone, knowing it was Hamburglar’s lawyers seeking to stay the execution. McDNA evidence and confessions from 2 Fry Guys exonerated him from being the HamStrangler serial killer. McCheese would let an innocent man die, admitting the error would hurt his reelection bid

"All you need is Love, *oxygen, water, food, shelter, sleep, temperature and pressure in the right ranges, and social interaction" - The Beatles * Adjusted for accuracy

I got it for you

Me: The darkness of the world that threatens to engulf us all like an evil tsunami looming higher and higher above us until it blots out the sun. Also ADHD

asking your dog if i can pet you

Going into Starbucks and giving my name as K Reeves and then sneaking out so that all the hipsters thing that Keanu was there and they wet their little man-buns/white-girl-dreads.

The existence of shortbread implies the existence of tall bread and that is baguettes.

Inside me there are 2 wolves. It was a really weird orgy, 4/10.

Happy "Anyone-with-the-slightest-shred-of-Irish-DNA-will-ram-their-supposed-lineage-down-your-throat" day everyone!

god grant me the serenity of a woman eating a salad in a stock photo

My friend in Texas graduated and got a degree but nowhere else recognises it because it is in farenheit.

Pro Tip: Carry a slice of bread in each of your pockets at all times. That way when someone asks you to make them a sandwich you can slap the bread to either side of their face and laugh maniacally.

OnlyFans but there are also humidifiers and space heaters.

Fuck you caps Lock! - me once a day

Going to print out all my "Top Fan" Facebook badges to line my mantelpiece like the champion I truly am.

"I ACTIVATE MY SHIELD OF APATHY!" I shout as they try to hand me a pamphlet of the gig they are doing.

Yes I’m religious, I believe in the holy Trinity:

Just got flashed by a perverted robot. #thefutureisnow No one mentioned this part of the machine uprising...

Friends, please use Alt Text whenever you post images. It helps those with sight issues understand your sparkling captions & assists those of us who are hopelessly unhip in getting your references. Just toggle it in the settings for a reminder every time you share a bot mot, THANKYOUSOMUCH

Legally changing my first name to larry (um.. actually its "larry" not Larry...larry lowercase) to constantly correct people and be as annoying and dickish as possible.

Todays "Trust me bro" fact of the day: Waldo was a defective secret agent and we were being used in an effort by the underground belly of the government to find him.

When giving birth you should always eat the placenta. Enjoy the fruit of your labour.

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

If bluesky had a smell, it would smell like wet cat food and strawberry cheesecake e-juice.

For anyone who needs to hear it. Pattern is pronounced Pat+turn If you pronounce it Pat-er-in I hate your damn guts.

I think AI just passed the Turing Test.........

Pro Parenting Tip: If your child catches you eating cookies for breakfast because you forgot to hide in the pantry, you can deploy a cloud of cinnamon as a smoke screen for your escape.

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

Space heaters are a stupid idea, it is so hard to heat space, there is no atmosphere.

It has come to my attention that my loud coworker is days away from having a nuclear weapon

Some wealthy men with power do unspeakable things.... -"All of human history"

Our adult son struggles with an insidious cocktail of OCD, ADHD, depression, and god knows what other neurodivergent thing. It’s not what people crack wise about. It’s real, it’s horrible, and it robs him of so many things we take for granted. Parents and loved ones, please know you are not alone.

bluesky is so inspirational

philosophy taught me i can’t step in same river twice but it’s actually because i got banned from that park

Note to All my Gullible Friends and Family: My codephrase is "Zebra Butt" If a medium, pyschic or ouiji board does not use the phrase to authenticate my spirit's identity they are a FRAUD