Add some excitement to your cats life by sprinkling some pop rocks in its litter tray

Its been 2 years since I realised Im older than murtaugh was in leathal weapon and Im not getting any younger..

Gas is just over $8 a gallon in the uk, thanks to Trump.

Happy cinco de mayo

May the 4th be with you

Remember if @markhamillofficial.bsky.social emerges from his house today and doesn't see his shadow it means springtime is over and we get an early summer, but if he emerges and sees two shadows it means he's back on tatooine and we're getting another StarWars movie or TV show.

You know when your wife turns off the lights and you reach over to touch her face but instead grab a boob and for a moment you think, wait thats not my wifes face, I think thats snoopy..

if you’ve followed me for a bit you know i’m going through some substantial unpleasantness. things got much worse this week and i decided to ask for some help. please share this even if you can’t donate. i appreciate it so so much. 💔 spot.fund/28wt32nsc

Dropped a pan full of hot butter on the floor. Knocked over a big tub of bird seed. Stabbed myself in the thumb with a very sharp paring knife while washing up. Dropped my bankcard in the street, which someone picked up and spent £180 on. Today hasnt been the best.

I overheard a woman working in a supermarket telling her collegue "lifes too short to be miserable" And it took so much effort for me to not turn round and point out what a fucking stupid sheltered concept that was.

i just want to be where the donuts are

Thanks Trump, Ive had so few Holidays in my lifetime, I really wanted my next one to cost seven times as much cause you started a bullshit war which fucked fuel prices world wide.

Trumps gonna be real upset when they finally build him that Ballroom and he realises hes mixed up Ballroom and Ballpit

My handsome boy got a new suit.

Eye twitch still going strong for anyone following along

Im at the age now where a good breakfast is a couple of chewable Antacids

Ok Ill Bite, who the fuck is mr Beast?

Hello weird eye twitch, what are you here for? Did the state of the world finally crack me, or are you just a trapped nerve or perhaps signs of a vitamin deficiency?

🚨 Last call for Zeus Atticus, now under kill command. Fka Lil Bevel Zeus back again. At ACC last summer, adopted 8 months b/f returning in April b/c now adopter says allergic 🙄 Wiggly, athletic, cute, playful, young, neutered. Earned best possible behavior, friendly w/ strangers, kids, dogs & cats.

Tap

Classic anxiety dream that my teeth kept falling out, but also I had an extra row of little teeth between my teeth that Id never noticed before, seemingly just so I had more to fall out.

How tall is bigfoot in feet? ..and how big are those feet?

Me to 3yo: What do you want for your birthday party theme? 3yo: “Poopoo & peepee theme! We can get apple juice for the pee, so a skeleton pees and you drink the skeleton pee but it’s okay because it’s juice” Me: ..K I was thinking like “dinosaurs” but let’s put a pin in “piss fountain of the dead”

Tucking myself in betwixt two voluptuous sheets of lasagna ✨

I give the garden squirrels avocado every day. This is probably why I dont own a house.

@octopuscaveman.bsky.social I was just in a bathroom at the mall and there was a guy in the end stall fighting for his life with the loudest most comical farts. I had to question if it was real of if he was just in there blowing raspberries, but pretty sure it was real. Made me think of you

Hands are still itchy. Got some special cream which helped, but not totally solved. If you have a Tarantula who has rubbed all the hairs off his butt digging tunnels, those hairs are in the soil. I do not advise putting your hands in that soil to mix it up.

Its been 32 years, are we any closer to finding out where cotton eye Joe came from or went?

I have 2 compulsions when watching tv & films with my wife, The 1st is any time Clancy Brown shows up I say in a mr Crabs voice "hello, I like money." The 2d is any time @pattonoswalt.bsky.social shows up, especially the moment I recognise him in voiceover roles, Ill say "growing up in the 80's..."

If Tunnocks dont cash in on that image of the parachutes for a teacakes advert theyre missing a trick.

Im at an Emo night with my wife for her birthday, on the outside I look like the least emo person here but in reality I am the most emo, cause Im spending the night wishing I was dead..

My wife keeps talking about palm beach Pete, but I havent seen anyone on here mention him..

Had to do some remodeling work on Inkys enclosure yesterday to make it safer for his clumbsy ass, after he too a fall and got wedged in one of the tunnels hed dug. Now my hands and wrists are super itchy from his little hairs.

It’s still the 8th, i did not forget… Happy Rex Manning Day 🪩

A lot of stoner comedies miss the mark of youre not stoned, but Pizza movie was actually pretty good.

Trump looking at how little america actually is on real photos of the earth and ringing his little baby hands in anger about being made to look foolish by science..

Happy easter everyone. I ate too much at my mums house then went and watched project hail mary on the imax while feeling uncomfortably full.

Its cool that they named that space mission after a character from Always sunny in philidelphia.

The amount of people who dont think man have been to the moon. Heres the thing, you can see the moon from earth. You can see it in detail with a telescope. If America said were sending people to the moon you can be damn sure Russia were watching it happen and wouldve been pretty vocal had it not

Hey I just heard the news abiut Eugene mirman. Everyone stop collectively willing trump dead for a moment and collectively will him a speedy recovery.

I randomly bumped into comedian Ross Noble in town earlier. Ive met him before a couple of times outside after his shows, years ago, and used to chat regularly on Twitter. Shame Im not more with it today with not sleeping last night..

In an atempt to be more normal, we are eating a big bowl of spaghetti bolognese at 2.30 am.

Everything is terrible so painted a shrimp

Shit, I was looking forward to the clocks changing, itll put me an hour closer to "normal" people time I thought. But no I was wrong, its gonna put me an extra hour out from normal people time.

The song Constant craving by K.d lang, but its just me wishing I had pizza

That new season of scrubs is a pretty good return to form, though its hard to watch it without constantly thinking, urgh theyre all old now.. oh no were all old now.

How comes no ones calling it the Golf war..

Someone tell Trump he should play golf with Kim jong un, I hear Un is really good, we need to see who is better. Itll be the game of the century. What could go wrong..