This is your annual reminder that if teens come trick or treating this weekend, they could be doing way worse things. Let them have one more year being a child, another year at feeling the magic, let them be care free and have fun, compliment their costume, and give them some damn candy.

Happy 55 to my birthday bud #MattDamon. We look great! 🎂

Ever wake up on your birthday and think “Gee I hope this isn’t the day a global catastrophe happens!” Every. Damn. Year. #Im55 #birthday

Son: "Mom, I may need new goalie pads." Me: 😨 Dad: "Don't ever speak to your mother like that again!" #GoalieMom #GoalieLife

Look, it’s Heroin and Adderall ganging up on Tylenol.

Dammit, I got sorta raptured

Eff it. I’m eating peanut butter Capn Crunch cereal. Fight me.

The utter embarrassment of it all. It’s like we’re all stuck in the Jerry Springer show.

The left isn’t “dancing on Charlie Kirk’s grave,” we’re just pointing out that, thanks to rhetoric like his, a lot of other graves exist.

First day of regular hockey season: forgot jerseys. 🤦🏻‍♀️ #TurnTheCarAround #LateArrival #GoalieMom

Changing the DOD to DOW will cost billions across 700k facilities. Cracker Barrel logo designer’s eyeballs are rolling HARD right now. 👀

Fiction will never be frivolous. We need people to keep imagining how much better or worse the world can be, and what it would take to get there.

Ever pull up into your driveway, turn the car off and silently scream “What the f*ck? What the ACTUAL F*CK!?!!”.

Had it: Tripping and falling over in the woods today. Again. 🤕 Hit it: I read the Ahsoka #3 comic book today.

Survived my first #Costco trip. The wallet however…

I can hear my kid singing that “Golden” k-pop song in the shower. 🚿🤣

live your life in such a way that millions of people don’t joyfully await your demise

No notes

Due to rising food costs, the 5-second rule has hereby been extended to 10 seconds. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

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Truth in branding. 😏

Cracker Schmacker. Folks always bitch about logos when THEY’RE NOT 👏 BRAND 👏 EXPERTS.

Spent yesterday at the Little League Baseball World Series. Free parking and admission - and fun as heck with 29,000 other fans. ⚾️ #LLWS

i need politicians to be as mad at housing prices as they are about cracker barrel's new logo

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON: I mean, should we even bother remembering history that wasn't awesome and fun? It's best to forget the ickier things and move on. No one wants to be bummed out. The sole exception being the crucifixion of course, which should be mandatory teaching in public schools.

My elderly dad, such a comedian.

It is insane to me that the government can find money to pay ICE agents increasingly larger sums of money, yet teachers have to buy their own pencils.

My kid made the cut to be 1 of 4 goalies vying for 2 spots on a team to play at the 2026 Quebec City International Pee Wee hockey tournament. I’m excited but nauseous at the same time. 🤢 🥅

Slightly diminish a band: Gary Oldman.

My parents are celebrating their 64th anniversary today. At Applebees. Whoop it up P&M!!!

Can someone explain how banning gay marriage will fund schools and lower rent and make groceries affordable?

Karma was served today. ⚾️

My hockey goalie son lost in his 12U little league baseball state championship today (as the catcher) and broke his big toe during warmups. While upset, he then said “well, back to the superior sport!” 🏒 🥅 #GoalieKid

Hey America. Can we just skip to the recipe?

Just witnessed a very, very low military flyover in Brattleboro right over the Little League field. I thanked the board for their extra attention to the matter after just giving out the Best Sportsmanship award. #Brattleboro #Vermont #Flyover

There is nothing more punk rock in the world than empathy and kindness. You will never convince me otherwise.

America Party? Pffft. Boring. 🥱

This big boi came to visit last night. Polyphemus moth, Vermont. #polyphemus

Crazy week of baseball camp and all star practice that heads straight into Little League divisionals. It’s a nice break from ice rinks… #OneCrazySummer

It's so hot it's hurting my feelings

The scoreboard at the local high school graduation understood the assignment. #UnderstandTheAssignment

World War 3 kinda sucks, but you know, it was either this or pronouns

Remember the time that Trump told Zelenskyy that he was 'playing with WWIII'? Every accusation is a confession. #uspoli #IranAttack

“ The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. “ - George Orwell, 1984

They've got enough money to throw us into another war, but not enough money to fund the suicide prevention hotline. Very "pro-life." Very "pro-family." So "GREAT."

Prayers for an “allergic reaction.” But mockery and hateful conspiracies for murder victims who aren’t in your tribe. With no apology or remorse. Fake Christian, small man.

It’s that season: tick or not? #TicksAreEvil

Happy Dad Day to all the good ones in the galaxy!!!

@proptermalone.bsky.social 😉

“I wish we could move to #Canada. They have better snacks.” - my 12 year old