Today would be an excellent beach day, I’m just sayin

Winning campaign slogan here if anyone wants it.

"Trump's not conservative" Oh no you don't. No no no no no. I can tolerate Republicans moving on from Bush and the neocons, 9/11 and all that. But you fucking own Trump from now until the end of time. He told you exactly who he was from day 1 and you voted for him 3 times. That's on YOU.

Last night in my first solo nyc apartment. - cried - got f***** in the empty kitchen - recored it - smoked a joint in the backyard One last time. 😭

There is no McTry.

I’m in the midst of a move still, become a lil fluffy from stress eating, and haven’t worked out in days bc my peloton is buried behind several boxes. And now my friends want me to take my shirt off and d* d**** on Saturday? 🥴

Anatomically, I understand why we have nose hair, but why can’t gay men be exempt from this? I’m willing to take my chances.

The c** trees are blooming 🫦

Took an eddie to go see hoppers and it’s hitting on the walk to the theater 😬

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS CONGRESS DOING ABOUT THIS — NADA

Trump literally fucked the American economy, fucked the world economy, fucked a bunch of teenagers, and people still support him.

I found a stack of bed bath and beyond coupons in my junk drawer. They’re expired 🤭

Movers coming tomorrow and I still have to pack half my kitchen and my bedroom. Opting not to take meds for adhd was CHOICE and I chose to make that choice.

Not teyana taylor making me cry during drag race

Went to the airport bathroom to hit Penji before my flight and took a RIIIIIPPPPPP and then a flight attendant walked in so I just stood there holding my breath and washing my hands until the coast was clear. Almost no smoke came out. Did my body absorb it? I think I ate it. I’m so stoned, chat.

Constitutional lawyer here. I don't think it would violate the Constitution for the VP/Cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment, but the intended constitutional remedy for this behavior is impeachment & removal. The fact that that remedy is politically impossible is a scandal and a crisis.

This read! I’m screaming!

Whoever decided to make those 3-in-one soap dispenser/faucet/hand dryers, wow way to go! I really love having suds splash all over me when I go to dry my hands!

I’m sorry to say it, but parents of young kids are the most inconsiderate people in an airport.

Kristi Noem's husband while she was out back shooting their dog

back sweat season starting in march is a hate crime

US government approved ch*ld ab*se? Groundbreaking.

What I need guys on the apps to know is that horny ≠ desperate.

Is it still day drinking at 6:45 on a Saturday? I mean, the sun’s still up. I guess watch this space 🤷🏻‍♂️

Is this anything?

The management company for our new apartment asked us to go out to Long Island to pick up the keys today. Like, dafuq??

Robyn, what a blessing. But girl, only 9 songs? 😭

Was this the first episode of the pitt that didn’t make me cry??

Watching opening night baseball on Netflix (hate that it’s on here) and I gotta say, *every* player in the Yankees starting lineup can lineup to take turns on me. No skips.

Not my eye doctor’s office trying to tell me how a deductible works. Ma’am, I’m pushing 40. It would be horrifying if I don’t know how a deductible works by now.

Can’t wait to miss my exit on the highway because a MILFS NEAR YOU ad pops up in maps

It’s so magical how weed really *does* make my anxiety so chill, like yeah you’re there but at least you’re not bothering me atm

That’s Sophia Petrillo after the fire at Shady Pines

Fuzzy muscle boys with slutty little mustaches out running shirtless. More proof that we’re just like other animals, horny af in the spring.

Received my Saturday morning protein, ready to conquer the day.

HOW can you end an episode of The Pitt LIKE THAT

Hi I’m 🚀

Damn, go see Project Hail Mary. In imax or rpx if you can. And take an edible. Wowww. 🤩

Ya know, I really think there’s nothing better than a Panera bacon turkey bravo and a broccoli cheddar soup + an eddie before going to see a matinee movie before noon on a day off.

Normalize walking out when he does this shit. No, actually normalize not meeting with him in the first place.

Bloomfs, I need advice! A friend (used to be a best friend, but we’ve grown apart a bit) is getting remarried less than three years after a divorce. For the last wedding, I attended the bachelorette, dropping tons of money, and spent a lot on the wedding gift. The marriage lasted 10 months 🫠.

I mean not no!

Mama I am in a mewd today

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I hated Donald Trump

The one day a year I’ll drink a Guinness ☘️

The gays are really sleeping on this song and they need to not be

You know that guy you always see at the bar who’s kind of annoying but *such* a good kisser? Yeah

search your camera roll for hell