Today was such a DAY. (Should be illegal on a Friday tbh)

Left home without contacts in and had to run back for them, like what even is my glitch

In bed before 9 who even am I

A friend sent me a screenshot of me unknowingly hitting him up on Sniffies… a year ago. After saying I don’t love that he’s hanging onto screenshots of me on a cruising app, he told me to “relaxxx.” Is this a little fucked up or am I overreacting

I forgot to order my matcha iced, and honestly it’s a real feel of 12°, so this seems like it’ll work out just fine. 🥶

Worst rage: navigating Trader Joe’s on a Sunday morning.

After a successful silly Saturday, this Burger King Diet Coke is giving me back the life that has left my body

The Netflix franchises listed are not the flex Netflix thinks they are 🥸

There’s nothing in the world quite like an early wake—spin—bake—and ferry kind of morning, esp on a lazy, gloomy Saturday

When that one oomf whose ***/**** I want to ***/**** is juuuust outside your radius and you can see it

I’ll actually be offended if you don’t like all the reels I send you when I’m stoned, but that’s no different from how I’ll feel when I’m not stoned so 🤷🏻‍♂️

During this smallville binge, I gotta say it’s actually pretty clever how they gradually wrote Clark to mature from a high schooler, into a man, and into a hero so gradually and carefully. Really kinda impressive how unforced it feels, but I’m also stoned so who knows really

Huh oh uhm ok well i have some thoughts and ideas 🤓☝🏻

Was anxiety-ignoring text messages, but then made the mistake of posting on my insta story and got called out and it created a whole different kind of anxiety 🥸

In full fight or flight mode after being bullied by a third grader. I need Penjamin!!! 🫨

My school’s CEO got his way and our union is done. And as per usual, those with wealth and power squash the little guys. EAT THE RICH.

Are we done with virtue signaling yet? Like I get it, Spotify sucks. But really, what company doesn’t? (hint: it’s not Apple!) I’ve ditched Amazon & Target, I’ve never been to a Hobby Lobby… I’m just doing my best without depriving myself of everything bc I’m not a fucking martyr. Can we chill now?

I hear Paris is great this time of year

My bf is out with friends and didn’t answer my stoned-in-bed FaceTime so I sent him a selfie wearing my night guard, smiling like a doof, and he’s gonna roll his eyes hard but he’ll love it bc honestly I’m adorable sometimes

I remember wanting this shampoo so badly in the 90s. Can you even imagine a kid today wanting shampoo? No tears! The impact!

Let’s start an over 30 selfie thread ✨ 39 🙃

Can I tell you something? I’ve been conditioning my mustache in the shower lately and I love it

My belly is shaped like a turkey, and we both know I may be st*ned, but you also know exactly what I meant

Put a **** in me, I’m done

Wait WHY is Little Jenny Humphrey singing at the parade oh noooo

Not me *sobbing* during the performance of Golden on the Macys Thanksgiving Parade. I can’t explain the chokehold this song has on me!

I’m frustrated af and just let out a primal scream and OH MY GOD THAT FELT GOOD

Sliced my tongue licking the cream cheese off the foil lid from the container, which is what I get for being a fatty

You are loved. And we're thankful you're here! Screenshot this and keep it handy for the holidays-- someone you love may need a little extra love this time of year.

lol

I’m the kinda drunk-on-a-Monday that only a diet coke can cure

Every machine in a Hospital that diagnoses your body without cutting you open is based on a principle of Physics, discovered by a Physicist who had no interest in Medicine. If you think the world doesn’t need Basic Science, or that somehow Science has failed you, think again. #sciencematters

Perfectly timed my eddie to hit as I walk to the drag bar listening to demi

He’s babbling about death penalties and ‘seditious behavior’ because six Democrats told the military NOT to obey ILLEGAL ORDERS—and then he swears he’s ‘not threatening’ anyone. Give me a BREAK. This is authoritarian madness dressed up as tough talk. He’s the one terrified of the law, and it shows.

I know I’m bad at whispering when I walk by a hot guy and (not so) softly whimper, damn daddy 🥺

Isn’t it amazing that, even in your mid-to-late 30s (🙃), taking an eddie gives you a bounce in your step is if you had the knee cartilage of a 20 year-old?

I HIGHLY recommend hitting a jay and watching smallville bc this cheap ass doomsday has me living

I’m sitting at my desk holding back tears. My mind has felt incredibly fractured this week and it’s just so exhausting. Like, is it time to be medicated?

Today’s been such a day. Cum tuck in me. I mean tuck me in.

The way I need railroad daddy to run a train on me soooooooo bad 🥵🥵🥵

Ya know what, today was hard on my mind, and I think I staved off an anxiety attack twice. I’m going to be gentle on myself for eating half a large pizza + an order of garlic knots 🫥

The anxiety rollercoaster I’ve been on today is really something. Can everybody get their shit together so I can regulate myself? Thnx

Can’t wait to take my baby to see this goddess 😍

Signed up last week for Olivia Dean’s mailing list to get the tour presale code… but I still haven’t received the email with the code. Anyone else have this problem? Or did you all get the email, but just not me?

Heal my hangover, Dunkin’ wake-up wrap and hash browns, you’re my only hope

True love is taking a train, then a bus through the Lincoln tunnel, to take eddies and craft with your bestie

Record profits are unpaid wages.

Having the sniffles from the cold weather while on a subway platform is most unfortunate rn

Can I say something? Zach Braff is aging kinda nicely, right?

Had a lovely surprise in my leftovers today 😖