ME (Terrified, tearfully repeating this over and over again under my duvet):

My daughter was bought the Muppets Christmas Carol book for christmas and I am sorry to tell you they have ruined the best bit.

Mate, I know what bread is!

My wife’s family pausing the Christmas music: Your entire life you thought she was singing to a baby Santa? I mutter something about magic and boss baby. We continue eating in silence.

Did anyone else only just realise that the title of The Darkness's xmas song is a rude joke?

Weird to think that we experienced the tiny blip in human history where seeing a picture of something happening meant you knew it actually happened.

Sad to think that the legacy of Little Britain has been tainted now.

#Worthing! FAMILIES! We're bringing our Christmas Cracker show to the Connaught Theatre on Sunday 14th December. Join us at 11am for festive funnies with @alexanderybennett.bsky.social (MC), Bobble the Christmas Elf and @joewellscomic.bsky.social! 🎟️ wtm.uk/events/comed...

The format we use for episode titles on our podcast is "[theme] with [guest]", for example "Masking with Pierre Novellie" or "Family with Rufus Hound". The reason I mention this is we have a new episode out today in which Jonny Donahoe chose the topic of "sleep".

Chelmsford! Join us at #Chelmsford Theatre on Saturday 1st November to see @turlygod.bsky.social, El Baldiniho, @kathyrivett.bsky.social and @joewellscomic.bsky.social! Jokes! Magic! Funny stories! Mayhap even a decades-old gripe about a tortoise! 🎟️ www.chelmsfordtheatre.co.uk/event/comedy...

Well look what we have here! It’s only The Daily Tism’s sketch show, back in audio form with a spooooooky Halloween special! In this episode, an autistic ghost has some unfinished business, Dr. Frankenstein makes a terrible mistake, and we take on THAT “I Am Autism” ad. Enjoy & tell everyone!

Understanding the Drake/Kendrick court case as a Brit

To make a living in the arts we all make some compromises on the purist principles we start out with but fuck me if you ever see that I'm performing for the Saudi government with an agreement I'll only be nice about them then you all have permission to slap me in the face.

Buddum tish!

My hope is that if we do it from her first birthday she will grow up to be excited by, rather than afraid of skeletons. Useful if she ever has to have an x-ray or joins the argonauts.

Good point. Croissant and Dr Pepper for the birthday skeleton!

I'm inventing a new tradition for my daughter called "the birthday skeleton" its like Father Christmas but on the night before her birthday we leave out a croissant so that the birthday skeleton brings her a present. If anyone has any ideas for ways to add to this tradition I'm open to suggestions.

Other than parking and bosoms what other things can be "ample"?

Kind of impressive how Starmer manages to do things which please literally nobody.

Anti-autism campaigner, Karen Hoyland, 40, commented: “I love my child but I hate his autism. The other day I came home to find him lining up his guns, instead of playing with them like a normal kid.”

@joewellscomic.bsky.social & I chatted to @ellenjones.bsky.social all about Queerness & Neurodivergency. Listen on Neurodivergent Moments Podcast 👉 podfollow.com/1620440207

Thanks Chortle for letting me write about my favourite comedy www.chortle.co.uk/perfectplayl...

New pod! New pod!

Just to be clear, men are leaving countries where there are fewer laws to protect women, to come here to attack women, where we have laws against that. Because when they do that in their home countries, it's not as fun without the jeopardy? That's like me going to America to walk on the road

New Episode of our podcast out today! We've had a little break and we're back with a good one!

Comedy Podcast of The Day @joewellscomic.bsky.social #neurodivergentMoments With @marcusbrig.bsky.social , who is dyslexic and they talk to him about their joint love of words. shows.acast.com/neurodiverge...

If you get married in England this is where you have to consummate it otherwise it doesn’t count and you’re killed for treason

You've made it to Friday, CONGRATS! Why not see in the weekend with a well-earned night of hilarity at The Glee Club?! 😂 Featuring Michael Akadiri, Lost Voice Guy, @joewellscomic.bsky.social & Louise Atkinson 🙌 BOOK NOW 🎟️ bit.ly/CardiffWeekend 🌞 Get 30% off with code SUMMER30CARD

Imagine if the Epstein files get released and it turns out that Donald Trump is a sex offender. Imagine how shocking that would be!

'Proud of who I am and getting hammered at every opportunity' - can we get this on a T-shirt asap? @joewellscomic.bsky.social and his show, Daddy Autism, are at Dean Street for one night, and one night only this Saturday. Sat 19 Jul, tix below x buff.ly/gqXkUmK

Anhoni puts her whole fucking heart into every second of performance. She is everything that Denise Welch's horrible son will never be. #glasto

I don't think I have ever done any work on the train.

Just heard Emily Maitlis say "we believe this is the first on screen fuck from a sitting president" and I can't help but feel there was a better way of phrasing this.

I endorse this Garfield podcast!

There are perfectly functional laws that deal with vandalism and breaking and entering. Aren't there? If you call them terrorists (we can surmise it this way as anti terror laws are being used against them) then all acts of civil disobedience in support of Gaza is terrorism, potentially

"Joe, when are you going to tour America?"

So excited to see Deftones performing in front of Charlie XCX's audience at Glastonbury.

Who's gonna get custody of Kanye?

London! Come see the new show!

Bluesky! I'm doing a London date of my new show at @sohotheatre.bsky.social on the 19th of July. Super excited to be performing here (and it's one of the few accessible venues in London) sohotheatre.com/events/joe-w...

British surgeon working in Gaza says it is now 'a slaughterhouse' amid Israeli bombardment

Love this description of Bob Dylan in Hello Magazine.

Have you caught up with the sketch show we made with Turtle Canyon Comedy and a bunch of the most talented autistic comedians to every comedy? All your important questions answered - like what if Twilight was autistic? How do you impress a tradesman? And are you enough of an autistic nephew?

Comedy Podcast of The Day #NeurodivergentMoments S07E04 I Am Chaos with Nick Helm @abigoliah.bsky.social @joewellscomic.bsky.social podcastaddict.com/neurodiverge... #ComedyPodcast

Thanks for another great news show @thedailytism.bsky.social To everyone I know: Watch! Watch! Watch! (That's three times at each of your favourite volume settings.)

Really pleased to be elected as the new pope. My first commandment is that no feature film shall be longer than 90 minutes. If you need longer than that make it a netflix series or do a sequel or something.

Hey look! We made a sketch show!

I absolutely loved recording this episode, please give it a listen as initial numbers are good so hoping we can pop into the charts.

I'm about to go to sleep but before I do here's a music hot take. I have tried but I just don't get BRAT. Listened to it 3 times now, sounds like if you got AI to write pop music. I thought the lockdown album she did was infinitely better.