Darth Vader: Luke I am your father! Luke: Gary? Vader: What? No, it's Darth Va... who the fuck is Gary?

Beliefs, wishes, and assumptions aren't facts. Facts are facts.

What's the square root of Angry 64? H8 Bleh, it's weekend bluesky, this is what you get

Bringing a cake to a knife fight.

I'm so broke I just googled "is it ok to eat cardboard?"

If it aint broke, don't fix it. If it is broke, dont date it cuz then you'll just end up paying for everything

If your name is Carrie I expect you to be good at picking up an object and taking it from one location to another location

It's weird that BMW makes its cars without turn signals

Trump & MAGA boast about Canada becoming the 51st state, BUT: Canada would become the most populated state in the Union, surpassing California. It would have 55 seats in the House and 2 in the Senate Republicans would never win the House ever again, probably not Senate either 😄

It turns out the TV series GOTHAM has nothing to do with the acquisition and retention of pork

One of the hardest things to do in life is to ride a Pogo stick across freshly waxed linoleum tile while holding a full pot of coffee. I know this now

Sunday mood

I hate it when I get drunk at the dog park and come home with 15 dogs. I don’t even own a dog. And why are the cops here?

Lessons kids learn quick: When Mom is pissed at Dad, you don't let her brush your hair!!!

Canadians increase border security

"I need ammunition, not a ride" - Volodymyr Zelenskyy turns down U.S. evacuation offer February 26,2022 after Russian invasion of Ukraine

my dogs probably think i'm an idiot for only sleeping once a day

Trump & MAGA boast about Canada becoming the 51st state, BUT: Canada would become the most populated state in the Union, surpassing California. It would have 55 seats in the House and 2 in the Senate Republicans would never win the House ever again, probably not Senate either 😄

Well, the good news is there's only 1,431 days left in his second term 🤦‍♂️

Me to my wife: Hey honey sorry I didn't hear you call earlier, the dog fell asleep on the phone My wife: Who is he talking to?

*me, getting stabbed to death by my wife* Wife: No no no, you're doing it all wrong. Lay on your back, not your side, bleed slower and are you seriously wearing that shirt?

Can't, busy reading the instructions on this shampoo bottle. I can't afford any more mistakes

I met a woman named Claire so I asked her if her last name was Voyant. She did not see that coming 😉

It's weird that BMW makes its cars without turn signals

whats the difference between a chickpea and a red kidney bean? Ive never had a red kidney bean on my face… #DocAfterDark

the joy of putting on a jacket you haven’t used in a while & finding some money in the pocket except it’s me unfolding a fitted sheet & finding the second sock that had been missing to one of my cool pairs

Your post looks like an eye chart fucking a ransom note.

(getting home from work) her: you smell like alcohol me: thank god…if I smelled like a petting zoo, that’d be weird her:

She's married, but apparently its not serious

*My wife and I meeting another couple while on vacation* Couple: So how long have you two been married? Me: Ever since the wedding

Fun Fact: When you die your body has enough carbon in it to produce 900 pencils.

Over a 10 year period 6,700 people in the US were injured by lawn darts. The majority were children, 3 of whom died from their injuries. Lawn darts were banned in the United States in 1988

In the living room watching a movie when my wife yells at me from the kitchen "hey, have you seen the dog bowl?" So naturally I replied "no, is he any good?"

If your religion has rules, they apply to you not to me

I accidentally washed my face with my jack-off hand towel and now Jesus thinks i'm gay

My Hello Kitty tattoo has not aged well

Me: Check out my tattoo in support of the people of Ukraine. I don't know what it means but it looks cool багато My Ukrainian friend: That means a lot Me: *tearing up* Thank you My Ukrainian friend: No, it quite literally means "a lot" Me: My Ukrainian friend: Me: Ukraine️ !

His name is My cocaine and he is a great actor

I can't believe how political Twitter has become since Elon Musk took over. I hate when social media sites are full of politics. *moves to Bluesky* 😱

Me: So, on Star Trek when they run a level 1 diagnostic is that the lowest or the highest? Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job opening

*Me on a date* Woman: I'm a Sagittarius Me: That's funny, you don't look like a dinosaur

Rigatoni - A type of pasta originating in Italy. Rig a Tony - To manipulate or control by deceptive or dishonest means the securing of an Award for Excellence in Broadway Theatre

Sometimes i wonder about where human customs come from. Like what would we be doing now if the first person who reached out to shake another other guy's hand had decided to whip out his dick and piss on his leg instead.

Don't be that sneeze that's about to happen big and fast but then doesn't but then is about to again but then doesn't but then kinda does Don't be that sneeze. Nobody likes that sneeze.

Did a line of cocaine and then sneezed on my desk. Studies the situation. Makes a decision. Grabs straw 😉😀

I was on PornHub and checked out the "female friendly" porn. Turns out it's just various guys loading and unloading the dishwasher properly without being asked

I'm smart enough to know that being on social media is a complete waste of time, but dumb enough not to care

Hey everyone don't forget to fart the New Year's Eve countdown tonight. It's both symbolic and hilarious 🥳💨

Hot singles in my area want me to move.