Lance has met a new girlfriend. Her name is Sydney and she is the sweetest Leo lady.

Dave Matthews has the opportunity to do the funniest thing.

Folks, the cider and the view are good. Sorry if this offends.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah “blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.” Blah blah blah blah blah Horton is a go for the playoffs blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

You would think an escalator briefly turning into stairs wouldn’t be enough to keep people from talking about how our president is on a list of pedophiles, but here we are.

“Now, as I was saying about the Jews… THEY SHALL NOT REPLACE US,” he continued

The treatment is woke so it is now illegal.

DID YOUR MOM TAKE TYLENOL?

ART OF THE DEAL

Sitting here waiting to watch my first ever Kimmel monologue when it airs.

Dempster is blowing up Crane’s phone begging to be the opener.

Bringing a strongly worded letter to a gun fight.

The library will have no books except a few about keeping secrets in the Jeffrey Epstein Children’s Wing

Starting to think electing the dumbest motherfucker on the planet accelerating into dementia maybe wasn’t the best move for this country.

I’d put my dog up against like 90+% of kids for being well behaved and unobtrusive in a restaurant setting.

I still can’t get past that all of this was over one of the Girls on Trampolines guys.

I hope this is what pushes that fat stupid fuck to [redacted] on the toilet finally.

DO YOU KNOW WHO KIMMEL IS HAVING ON HIS SHOW ON TUESDAY?

I don’t want to hear fucking shit from a single fucking person the next time a player misses a game to attend the birth of their child.

Same vibes

New: Sarah MacLachlan, Jewel, and more musicians scheduled to perform at tonight's premiere for Hulu's ABC News doc LILITH FAIR have all pulled out after Disney scrapped the red carpet. First notable talent consequence of the Jimmy Kimmel situation.

Small Dick Energy

THAT FUNERAL WAS SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN MY BIRTHDAY PARADE

Really looking forward to 2 playoff games

Watching this IU/Illinois game highlights how fucking and that Wisconsin/Maryland game was. Wisconsin might have played the worst game I’ve ever seen and I went to North Park.

*taps sign*

Can they still report shit they see on the signal chats or…

Somebody poke Trump with a stick

Matthew Perry’s physical comedy in The Whole 9 Yards is so good.

Like any of us can fucking afford to retire anyway.

The fascism will continue until morale improves.

Nailed it

Wait they chased off an ICE raid in WHEATON?????????? WHAT???????????????????????????? For people who don't know Chicago imagine like Brigham Young or Liberty University chasing off an ICE raid this is fucking WILD Moreover, ICE must be destroyed

Pitching a new show where the main character is named Ronald Frump and he is a fat-ass pedophile, who is terrible at golf, and everybody hates him and makes fun of him. Also he has a stroke at the end of every episode.

*finger to ear* I’m being told Raquel has been deported by a line of Cabbage Patch ICE dolls from Stephen Miller’s collection.

I’m guessing jokes about how he looks like if a pedophile and a penis had a kid are right out.

there isnt a single gettable voter that will even know this vote took place a year from now

Jesus fuck, you stupid isolated comfortable coward.

Her boss blew up a boat with eleven people on it and proudly posted it on social media and then said he would do it again.

the kimmel thing is bad but as long as they arent rounding people up indiscriminately based on race, building concentration camps and talking about eradicating those they deem sexual deviants, i think we’ll be ok

Agreed, and I think part of this is Pritzker gets more than most how being the anti-Trump isn't trying to out-funny the funny man, to compete in the irony-poised joke game, to be another outlandish character. It's being earnest and serious about the stakes of a real crisis, like a functional adult.

Hopefully hell is real so he’s not actually somewhere enjoying all this.

All this distraction from the Epstein files is working pretty good so far for them.

Yes. We. Are. God fucking damn it, Chuck. You fucking simp.

It’ll be funny… but not ha ha funny.

in light of the kimmel news, just a reminder that a few days ago a prominent fox news host literally called for killing homeless people. right afterward, someone shot up a couple homeless encampments. that fox news host still has his job.

Small Dick Energy

Trump: everyone in the US died from drugs last week Reporter: [nods] Trump: so we must murder on the high seas Reporter: [nods] Trump: I caught Trix rabbit once Reporter: [nods] Trump: the cock on that bunny Reporter: [nods] Trump: bigger than you think Headline: Trump Policy Seeks To Save Lives

Colbert… Kimmel… gotta figure the Daily Show is next.

Looks like Boyd picked the wrong time to pitch like Skenes.