how it feels when you sneeze on your period #eurovision

Gerard Depard-Ewww, more like

nice one, Labour, you’ve made me come back to twitter and nicer twitter to slag you off

A brilliant piece of poetry from Michael Rosen, clearly directed at Starmer and the current Labour Government.

If you wouldn't accept "we are at risk of becoming an island of strangers" from Kemi Badenoch or Nigel Farage you probably shouldn't accept it from Keir Starmer. Don't pretzel yourself trying to explain why it's ok from the guy in the red tie.

Celebrate International Women’s Day by telling a man to smile more #IWD

I don’t need Valentine’s Day presents I need super fast high metabolism and one million pounds ok thank you

what a year January has been

I’m no expert but why doesn’t someone just dangle 50 cheeseburgers over a cliff for Donald Trump?

I know there are worse things going on in the world but Man City’s shirt font is making me sick #facup

lol lol lol lol

If you’re wondering why anyone’s ditching the booze for January or longer, just remember that it has absolutely fucking nothing to do with you x

when someone says SEE YOU NEXT YEAR on New Year’s Eve

Hey boy are you New Year’s Eve plans because I can’t come

Christmas Day Boxing Day WHAT THE FUCK WHERE AM I AND WHY New Years Eve New Years Day

when someone tells you that you shouldn't eat so much on Boxing Day after eating so much on Christmas Day

the only king I’ll be celebrating today 🎄

It appears to be the 10th anniversary of these Irish chaps going out on a pub crawl in fancy dress.

them: what are you getting for Christmas? me: fatter

I’d rather sit on a holly wreath with no knickers on than drink eggnog

people posting their Spotify wrapped and saying ‘this is so accurate!’ of course it is it’s data you sausage

don’t let anyone treat you like the orange cream when you are in fact the purple one

the front of my Christmas tree vs the back of my Christmas tree

Find out your Elf name by taking the month you were born in and growing up

Liverpool vs Accrington Stanley FA Cup? (who are they?! exactly!)

Footage of Greg Wallaces' PR Advisor

I’d like a Black Friday deal on my food shopping please 50% off a Tesco big shop

I don’t care if Monday’s blue Tuesday grey and Wednesday too Thursday I don’t care about you It’s Black Friday someone will stamp on their own mom for 25% off a tv

My wife just texted me “Lasagne at 6 o’clock” so I immediately looked behind me.

society: eat, drink and be merry! also society: not that much you grotesque beast

Zooey Deschanel turning 44 vs me turning 44

life gifted me a new back pain today on my 44th birthday 🎉

Hey boy are you Black Friday because no thanks

good morning

Of course your baby is fascinated with your car keys. You're boring and he would like to drive away.

It’s International Men’s day and also World Toilet Day today

I’m 44 next week no one warned me the noises I’d be making getting out of bed

One.Perfect.Shot. Idiocracy (2006) Dir - Mike Judge

happy I didn’t get Glastonbury tickets to everyone who will be celebrating today

To celebrate the exodus from Twitter, here’s a positive one (from 2019) xxxx

Bluesky | Twitter

sorry I can’t come out tonight I’ve just taken my bra off

Eating stinky food on public transport should be punishable by: A. Being shot in the face B. Being shot in the face but first THAT Jess Glynne song on a loop for three hours

I love winter

If the sun wants to stop working at 4pm then it’s only fair I do too

Just hearing that Coldwar Steve has bought GB News