You telling me orcas poop? Whale shiiiiiittttt.

Him: "Is that a Christmas tree bag or a body bag?" Me: "Maybe both." *slow winks*

Getting into the Christmas spirit by drinking right into the new year.

Merry Christmas Eve you filthy motherfuckers.

You lost me at it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

I come from a long line of people being told we’re too big to sit on Santa’s lap

This coffee tastes like I won’t be participating today.

In line at the pharmacy checkout looking for Christmas gifts. Do kids still play with batteries?

I think a great Christmas tradition would be for every city to close off one major street Christmas Day. Traffic is down that day anyway. Kids could tryout their new bikes. People might go out for just the novelty of it. People would get a chance to photograph buildings without cars.

Grandpa: I was at Normandy. Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh. Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve. Everyone: *gasps*

So, last night we assembled that play kitchen from Santa in our living room then I hid it in the garage, but I left out the instruction manual and my 4 year old found it this morning. I froze. She said, "Oh cool! I want this for Christmas!" and ran off. That's a yuletide win.

Lonely are the brave, I say to Alexa as I recall the time I told my girlfriend I wasn’t taking her to see Grease.

Fuck you, I’m festive af.

[during sex] Are you mad at me?

Die Hard stays on during sex.

Kiss me, I taste like steak.

Christmas teaches us that it's okay to break into someone's house as long as you're leaving stuff.

Nice to mute you.

I just got a bottle of wine that’s been regifted so many times it made its way back to me. Which means I essentially bought myself a bottle of wine.

“Did they find something???” - my daughter, in front of the TSA agent rifling through my bag

I can write better than this but I don't want to be the one the aliens abduct and force to punch up their ultimatums.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

It’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

the real gift this holiday is you guys thanks for keeping the spirit bright

Muting people is self care.

No better way to improve your poll numbers than by directly attacking United States citizens and garnishing their wages.

I like to start the holidays by not giving a fuck.

[before kids] "Man, I'm going to be such a chill parent" [several years later] "IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE..."

My husband was annoyed after spending $65 on two burgers and fries, so I said, “Bet yours could blow these away.” His eyes lit up. “Really? I’ll make some tomorrow!” Two days later, I did the same with pasta. And that’s how I Jedi mind-tricked my husband into becoming our chef.

It’s supposed to rain in Los Angeles for four days and people at the grocery store are stocking up for the apocalypse.

I’ll still be your favourite wine mom next year.

[during sex] Why didn’t you like my selfie?

[during sex] Did you mute me?

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts, WE HATE YOU! Sincerely, Everyone born in December & January.

sometimes i’ll suggest to my wife that we stay up past eleven and watch one more episode because i want her to know there’s still a little of the bad boy in me

Wear a fanny pack with your cargo pants to be prepared for any eventuality except the sex.

"That's me in the coroner." - ghost who loves the band R.E.M. and is also trying to solve their own murder

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

My wife asked me how hard it was going to be to wrap the big art easel we got the kids for Christmas and I said that we could do it "easely." Then I repeated that we could do it "easely" again but really stretched out the word easely. Yeah, she didn't laugh either.

Having the week off is top tier.

Tell your Bluesky crush I said good morning.

How The Grinch Stole Your Bluesky Crush.

Might fuck around and be someone’s Bluesky crush.

I will totally have your back. Until someone sexier disagrees with you.

Now that I have young kids of my own I understand why my dad insisted we not visit him in the garage in the days leading up to Christmas. It's because kids are annoying.