Rewatching the bad bunny halftime show & I noticed this on his chest: the numbers “6” and “4”. What he’s wearing is called a “football jersey”. It’s a subtle nod to the theme of the event—“football”.

[holding a gun to my own head]: so listen, I have tea…

I don’t use bluesky much these days but I’m logging in here to say fuck ICE perpetually

that feel when the interests of a refugee population line up with billionaires who want to extract resources from their home country ❤️

At least we can trust our mainstream media outlets to report what’s happening in Venezuela accurately

today’s date is giving counting

any day now I’m going to save the New York indie rock scene

hmm. have you tried solving the problem with chili crisp

I just noticed a hilarious detail 😆 #ObservationalHumor

What’s frustrating about this Epstein file release is it’s clearly just a distraction to keep people from talking about Luke Moran

Stuffing a bird feeder full of baby rabbits & voles for the birds of prey

It’s so important to be Luke Moran ❤️

I lowkey think Luke Moran ate by becoming Luke Moran. who agrees?

There’s something so interesting about Luke Moran

Where my Minnesota followers at?

Humans invented storytelling to communicate the key value propositions of brands

doing the work and being a good ally today (cranking it to pictures of female CEOs)

You don’t need Listerine to kill the bacteria the cause bad breath. I could do that. Nobody asked me.

842,000 Americans died from overdoses in the last 25 years, 500,000 from opioids. If we’re hunting narco-terrorists we can probably stop blowing up fishing boats and start blowing up boardrooms.

Dreamed I got a chastising message at work that said, “You should know the names of all the Muppets,” and someone stuck up for me, saying, “I don’t think this one has a name,” and they attached a picture of like a white Gonzo with no eyes

Cars be like “this would fix me” (picture of a wrench)

Hey everyone, it’s filipino hour. Everyone has to do one thing that’s filipino.

everyone please make sure to take care of yourself this holiday season, but also me 🙏 please make sure to give me lots of attention 🙏🙏

[sitting down for subway takes] me: a bug is not normal. a bug is an affront to god.

Is everything that’s ever happened good or bad?

The time has nearly come for me to save the New York indie rock scene

the last 24 hours on X, summed up:

This might be the single funniest thing that has happened during this incredibly cursed year

I hope no one‘s creating any dastardly AI videos of me doing something troublesome right now

Now that Trump is chill with Mamdani, I bet you all feel embarrassed about criticizing me for taking a major role dismantling the Department of Agriculture

Hide your daughters, folks—I’m going to the public library

Committing suicide by overdosing CBD sodas

I hate gay halloween—what do you mean you’re me from the future & you’ve traveled back in time to prevent some unspeakable tragedy?

Who Was Jeffery Epstein? Find out by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' on The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

The GOP guy who owns all the voting machines now has a right to change our votes because that’s his private property and I respect business owners ❤️

I’m building a data center in my bedroom that will raise electricity bills for half the continental US

I’ve been doing mass surveillance on everyone sorry guys 😔

saw a guy get raptured but when he was floating up in the beam of light he started jerkin’ it and the beam dropped him. he’s dead, he’s dead now and in hell

Can’t express in words how big this rally in Chicago is. The president’s fascist goon squad is not welcome here.

The Onion News Network truck is currently stationed outside the Broadview ICE Detention facility just outside of Chicago.

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The rap break in tongue-tied by alternative sleaze pop icons grouplove >>>>> 🔥💯

goddamn this guy is good

If I see a job listed with no salary I submit a selfie instead of a resume. If I have to guess then so do they

sea lion seal ion coincidence? 🤔

It's so weird how everyone who says they're "politically homeless" is a far right winger who lives in NY or CA and still wants to get invited to parties

Mamdani must explain his tweet from 1740 BC claiming that Ea-nāṣir had "high quality copper"