i think the bus should be legally allowed to run over cars parked in the bus only lane

My friend’s pregnant wife that I’ve never met just messaged me to ask where I got my burger from that I posted on Instagram 😂 I was like HERE 📍GIRL GO MAKE HIM GET YOU ONE. IT’S HIS JOB.

Some people don't understand the simple pleasures of liking a character who objectively sucks a little

Went to the farmers market: bought art I didn’t need but deeply wanted, and got my kitchen knives sharpened by the local sharpener guy

Need me the “my brother from another lover” merch

There is so much hubris when you pick up a snack slathered in sauce and you think “I can get this to my mouth before the sauce drips on your shirt.” no u can’t

Working out is just 1. Work out your chest too much so your back/shoulder strains. 2. Stretch and work on your back/shoulders 3. Finally get back to normal 4. Repeat

Surgery scheduled for the 27th so I guess slightly less emergency than they implied but still pretty soon

i have not felt such wild and sick obsession move through me since Hannibal

I’ve salivated enough, time to watch Half-man

always a fun time when it's like "do they hate each other?" "no, much worse, they're in love"

My boss: you don’t have to tell me obviously but can I ask invasive eyeball questions Me: no no, go ahead, this is why we get along

Is that Chekhov’s Gun in your pocket or will you just be pleased to see me later?

Good morning

A family friend drove me to my appt yesterday and I just realized when he had my car he sneakily filled up the gas tank.

Me: I wanted to let you know the small chance our vacation gets canceled! Hannah: it’s okay if that happens!! I mean I’d say we can see orcas another time, but with the way this country is going there might be a time limit Me: I can picture it now - me blind, you staring listlessly at an empty ocean

Beautiful leftovers, for my agonies

My eyes fucking hurt but they really fucking palpitate them and shine some bright ass lights in there so I can’t be too surprised

Guess whose one eye is detaching in two different places

Gone from the glaucoma specialist to a retinal specialist

I am very tired of the stupid-savvy 'oh you think politicians were honest before Donald Trump' take, like yes there has in fact been a qualitative change in the way modern american politics have been conducted that is largely attributable to him, and is bad.

*looking at the dreary grey weather* ah a perfect day to get my eyes dilated at the doctors

Snapchat “memories of two years ago” and I immediately had to coo over Nick & I

Blue Prince (2025)

Okay but I already love the miserly old man whose like “THE ISLAND IS CURSED, SHUT IT ALL DOWN, SOUND THE SIREN” obsessedddd #WidowsBay

The good thing is that whatever outcome here is the actual funniest, and I think that's neat.

When I start doing 15 lb lateral raises

Recite 80% of a movie and you get $500k. What movie are you picking? I would be so bold as to say 95% of the movie

Wearing no black today and wide leg jeans

I live in Wisconsin. a $28 mixed drink is spitting in the face of god

I was charged $28 for a gin and tonic in Santa Clara and haven’t been back to California since

the best map of Europe

the single greatest use of The Boys Are Back In Town in silver screen history and Paul Bettany should have won Best Supporting Actor for his Chaucer portrayal one of the most purely fun movies ever made

This is my favorite dropout show, Jordan is a delight

Any of my friends have good suggestions for top surgery recovery?? One of my friends is having it done next week and we already discussed a bidet and some good pillows to sit upright.

Love to trick my parents into watching queer media. Oh you like crime shows? You’ll love Deadloch

Cleaning out Max’s old room and he was the cutest

Like magic

My art haunts my childhood home and ny parents STILL won’t let me get rid of anything

so I do wanna hand it to whichever person at this otherwise unremarkable sewer repair contractor decided to just go for it

Going through @1001cranes.bsky.social ‘s old burned cd’s because to my parents, it’s my job to clear out both of our things

Playing a game called “ARE any of these beanie babies worth money??” And the answer is yes and they’re mostly mine

Me, subtly, in earshot of my father: you know what I haven’t had in ages?? Homemade mac and cheese.

Tech problems it’s my job to fix this weekend: - make sure mom’s phone hooks up to her car - set up dad’s new smart tv - figure out why dad has three different Apple subscriptions Who knows what else will come up

Dad and I trying to fix a knob on his new stove while my mom yells “STOP FIGHTING” and we’re both like ??????? It’s a discussion ???????

Barista made reference to “it’s like when you hop in a mosh pit” and I said, “It shouldn’t shock you from looking at me to hear that I’ve never been in a mosh pit.” He paused for a sec, looked me over, and said, “Well it’s the same at Ska shows” and that’s the most devastating read I’ve ever had.

During jury selection, so many people filled out the questionnaire with a variation of, "It is my heartfelt belief that Elon Musk is a piece of shit," that the judge had to be like, "ok well just stipulate that nobody likes him but we trust them to be fair anyway" www.theverge.com/tech/919469/...