all eyes now turn to truth social, where the president is expected to respond from the toilet any minute now

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

Gorillaz are back so time to resurrect the greatest of all music tweets. We're all out here tryna be The Quietus and she just walks up and zeroes in on the essence.

Saint Louis Cardinals legend Alysa Liu

RFK Jr: Lisa id like to buy your food pyramid

Just do it anyway, man, god damn

Checking in on the status of Cubs starting pitcher Justin Steele, and.... 🤦‍♀️

While many of you are likely yelling "SWIPE LEFT!" or SWIPE RIGHT!!" I'm yelling "SWIPE ROBERT MUELLER and the rule of law!"

We're witnessing all-time high levels of cope here, gang

Billboard Alerts Drivers To Existence Of Situational Comedy Starring Stand-Up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld https://theonion.com/billboard-alerts-drivers-to-existence-of-situational-co-1819575564/

This honestly sucks, man. Can't imagine wanting to get out and play the game and just suffering endlessly.

AI FAN: now, you can finally imagine anything you want! ME: I could already do that AI FAN: no this different ME: I'm imagining running you over with a steamroller AI FAN: don't do that ME: now I'm imagining consoling your girlfriend after AI FAN: I don't have a girlfriend ME: I know

I don't think we ever once saw Eddie working in that supermarket

Give that pup the gold, I don't care what the rules are

Ope

Breaking: Tragedy at the Winter Olympics

An extremely #good thread

I would also like a billion dollars

Me in December: "I'm sick of this shit, tear this team down to the studs" Me today: "No not like thaaaaaaaaat"

Me: "Ok 7yo, make sure you smile real nice for school pictures today" 7yo:

Holy shit

the two types of vehicle are cars and trucks, with every vehicle being a subclass of one of those two. a jeep is a truck. a motorcycle is obviously a car. a boat is a truck. an airplane is a car and a helicopter is a truck. trucks are cars, interestingly enough, and cars are a specific type of chair

bumper sticker: I'd let Janice the Muppet steal my identity and my 1995 mitsubishi eclipse

I SAY YOU GOT TO PISS ON THE SUDE OF THE BOWL, BOY

Surprise murder confession incoming

Another hot take from the original juggalo

Just gonna say, once again, that "Rand Paul Making Sense" is a leading indicator of a democracy in peril. bsky.app/profile/atru...

Good morning, gang

Lol Lmao, even

Baseball is back, gang

The cool thing about seasonal colds is absolutely nothing, this shit Sucks My Ass 3000

That’s what’s up.

@govpritzker.illinois.gov So we're gonna stop paying federal taxes when?

voice on tape: HELLO DIPSHIT you: oh no. i got captured by Mean Jigsaw voice: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME. OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY BEING POOR you: Mean Jigsaw stop

I'm continuing the Seattle lovefest today because I want to, it's a certified #good city

A whole lotta these guys who are beet-red that they "can't understand the music" are also the same born-again-Catholic, RETVRN chuds with marble bust avatars who want to bring back Latin in church because it's "more traditional". They want Latin in America but not Latin Americans.

Post a banger that isn't in English

Of all Michael Cera's performances, Arrested Development was probably the Michael Ceraest

The Canton Bulldogs and the Duluth Eskimos

U.K. might lose a prime minister because a guy who worked for him knew another guy who hung out with Epstein. Meanwhile the U.S. opposition party is telling our President, who was Epstein's best friend, that his secret police should get better training so their public street murders look less messy.

Old friend alert

We know who’s behind this smear

Anyway go Seabirbs