everybody calm down, air force one had to turn around because president trump accidentally flushed his tie down the toilet and his face is pinned to the seat. he's panicked and squealing. karoline leavitt tried to help but she transforms into a bat after 10pm and can't lift him with her tiny wings.

Let tonight be a lesson to all of us: Make sure you have established your own, and are aware of your loved ones', advance directives. Do you want to be awakened from your slumber when It Happens? Or do you want to find out when you awake naturally and unlock your phone? Let your loved ones know.

Carlos Beltrán and I have had our baseball ups and downs over the years, but he brought me back from the brink after Pujols left St. Louis, and I’ll never not be grateful for that. I am unreservedly happy for him and Cooperstown is better for his presence.

"I just wanted to be sure it was unsafe for trans women to use the bathroom! I didn't know I'D be unsafe using the bathroom!"

The president encounters a binder clip for the first time, then talks about it for a while. Remember when Joe Biden had a raspy voice and every major news organization created a 10-person Biden Is Old investigative team?

His brain is basically just a Word document programmed to do a "find and replace" that substitutes "low IQ" for "Black." Racist piece of shit.

Brian Bilston's stuff gets old for me but this one.....this one I like. #slouchingtowardsbethlehem

On this day in 2013, Stan Musial passed away at the age of 92. He didn’t really do well as a pitcher starting out, but he sure could hit. 3,630 of ‘em, while batting .331 over the course of 22 years. And still underappreciated. Here’s my painting of him at Shibe Park in May of 1946.

Trump threatening to start a war because he didn't win a peace prize is like when I cried and fumed all night because I didn't win the Good Sportsmanship Award at Field Day in second grade.

ICE ended up returning the man, Saly, after realizing he’s a fucking US citizen with no criminal record, per his sister-in-law. These fucking animals.

Cripes a’mighty people, Steven Miller is not staging a militarized ethnic cleansing and sending the border cops to murder people in the street to distract from the Epstein files. He’s doing it because he and Trump (and Vance and Homan and Noem etc) really really want to.

Yeah they're called white men and America is full of them I just don't think I should be paying them with my tax money. they can be pieces of shit for free like normal

1) woulda made a great VP 2) everyone please spare me the “he isn’t doing enough, he sucks” bullshit….he’s a governor, not a BlueSky warrior who feels proud of himself for posting “our only option now is armed revolution” 3) fuck ICE and all Republicans 4) stay strong Minnesota ❤️🥶

My dumb MAGA ex-friend posted this and I’m resisting the urge to say “wow, finally a Dilbert cartoon that actually made me laugh”

Unclear why people are worried about the declining birthrate. Have you met humans? You seriously want MORE of them?

Mostly inconsequential pet peeve of the morning: It's icky to keep calling married women "brides" long after their wedding day. That's your friend's WIFE, not your friend's BRIDE.

He is survived by his husband and cousin, Eric Adams.

Someone tell me what to watch. I can’t remember any of my streaming passwords and I don’t like anything

🕯️My cousin Brian passed away last night. After a courageous 3 wk stint with ICE. He slipped on a fellow agent’s frozen peepee puddle & somersaulted many times in the air, yelling “yabbada yabbada yabbada” & tragically aspirating (a different) agent’s pee he’d been gargling. He hated women🇺🇸💔

Fuck Mark Stone and fuck Vegas’s goal horn and fuck the Blues most of all

This is fairly remarkable. I hope that anyone who reflexively (and understandably) bashes all Christians with the same club will remember how many good and brave ones there are.

I have a note. This is AI and a lot of people won’t recognize that (or care) and that really pisses me off.

I think the last time a strange man called me a fucking bitch was at the park, when I wasn’t sufficiently impressed that his illegally unleashed dogs, who were harassing mine, finally came to him after being called three times. But no one gave him a gun and a badge so I’m alive. Yay!

skillful news writing www.usatoday.com/story/sports...

I wrote this. It didn’t make me feel better. williamfleitch.substack.com/p/volume-6-i...

This is a very big deal. Which is why the Trump loyalists at the KC are already claiming that they're the ones who initiated the breakup (bullshit).

I love that their response to being afraid that cereal is gay is to put balls in their mouth

The body cam video proves he came right at me, I’m in the hospital recovering from my injuries, someone please come arrest this domestic terrorist

Regular reminder that the saying is "A few bad apples RUIN THE BUNCH," meaning that even if it's TRUE that there are only a few rotten individuals in a group, the whole group is rotten by association and you can't fix the problem just by rooting them out.

It's pretty funny that some people thought "DON'T TREAD ON ME" represented a coherent philosophy of government rather than the grown-up version of a little boy stomping his feet and yelling "I DON'T WANNA AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME"

I think it’s time to start treading on them

Organizing, calling your reps, protesting, and having sex with their wives while they're out terrorizing our cities are all good ways to fight back

This is the American far-right’s way of telling people that this was a white woman that it was *ok* to kill.

Well well well, if it isn't Josh Hawley being incrementally less of a piece of shit than usual for a few minutes

This is how ICE agents responded after watching a mother of three bleed out in her car after they shot her multiple times in the head.

Jesse Watters let the air out the tires of a much younger subordinate so she would need a ride home while he was married. Fuck this fucking creep.

CNN graphics put the asterisk in the wrong place, it appears…

ICE shoots into vehicles because nobody's actually pulling weapons on them. But they know a vehicle can be considered a deadly weapon in court, and it's the only justification they're gonna find for what they're obviously itching to do.

Like those before it, that insane, vile DHS statement about the Minneapolis shooting isn't about covering anything up. It's performative lying. They aren't trying to persuade anyone that their agents did nothing wrong. They're trying to project that their agents can get away with anything.

Something unbearably poignant about the “found dog” flyer visible on the telephone pole at the end. A neighborhood just trying to help one another out, trying to help a lost dog get home, and the government sends a murder squad to terrorize them and destroy their peace forever.

For context, the US uses about 20 million barrels of oil per day. So far they've killed dozens of Venezuelans for between 1.5 and 2.5 days' worth of oil.

Thinking about this some more, Mamdani also ran as a form of an "insurgent campaign" and, unlike what Kat Abughazaleh seems to be doing, worked on collecting endorsements from NY state establishment figures like they were pogs *bc thats a big part of how you actually win running as an outsider*

Angelina Jolie

Naming dogs after food items is tired and it's time to move on. I've met at least five dogs named Toast lately and that's too many. ** I will make an exception for the puppy named Fruit By The Foot because that one was hilarious

And consider extending the same grace to all the other animals while you’re at it, maybe? Paying for less cruelty in the world is an honorable and achievable New Year’s resolution for anyone looking for one. (Please no stupid stereotypical replies. Heard them all before. Not cute.)

Congratulations to everyone on BlueSky who’s managing to blame Democrats for January 6. Maybe someone will make a really brilliant roach analogy that you can repost with the caption “THIS.”

can we try the first part just once

A devastating story about the life and death of Lia Smith, a transgender woman and college student targeted by conservatives online because she briefly participated on the school's diving team. Lia was found dead by suicide last fall at the age of 21. (Unlocked article below)

as I learned from our discourse, the responsible thing to do is to mock JD Vance and theorize this guy was his lover

the cambridge companion to having the world's dumbest baby as your president