Why does Reeves say she wants to increase investment in shares, so cutting cash ISA allowance, and then increase tax on dividends? Does she only want to increase investments in companies if invested through share ISAs. Weird.

How long before Starmer reshuffles Reeves out of No 11. Let the dust settle then off you go.

Unlike so many in his top order though, he eventually opted out of a suicidal drive. #Ashes 🏏

Forget the risk of nuclear conflagration, according to grandparental advice the biggest risk for a child growing up in the Seventies was running with scissors or using anything but the end of a wooden spoon to retrieve toast stuck in the toaster. Guess must have lost a lot of people to both post WW2

For a team that revels in hitting other teams off their bowling stride, England’s reaction to Head’s assault today was almost as worrying as their thick batting cricket #ashes

Don’t worry a few rounds of golf should sort things out #ashes

Total mental disintegration #ashes

You hear Langer and Cook both talking about how you just don’t play the cover drive on this pitch then watch England’s top batters get out playing that shot over and over #ashes

Ten overs in. No slips. England totally lost it. Embarrassing. #ashes

England's two innings in Perth lasted a combined 405 balls - the fastest they've been bowled out twice in a Test match since 1904 😳

Archer’s speeds down - all looks easy for Australia. Might as well give the ball to Wood and pray he has the spell of a lifetime #ashes

Australia got to be favourites to win this. England threw away so many wickets and track looks slightly flatter. Serve England right.

Commentary on TNT is getting worse. And the stupid arm speed graphic. #ashes

Why is Head opening? Unlikely to find out on TNT #ashes

A little treat for fans of noughties rom coms & internecine socialist shenanigans

Image of the day

Determined to pay a dumber shot than Jamie Smith, Carey ramps straight to third man #ashes

If I was Crawley I’d be heading off to the changing room to join Khawaja’s yoga class or he might find himself back out there in 20 minutes #ashes

Starc with a late entry for the worst hack of the day #ashes

Think it’s Archer time #ashes

Golden arm Stokes. Remember Botham in his long decline rumbling up to the stumps and somehow persuading a top batsman to throw away their wicket #ashes

‘I’m on debut’ #ashes

‘I’m on debut’

Wow Wood into Green’s helmet. Wow #ashes

First time I’ve ever actually turned sound off on TV comms to listen to TMS - and it’s different level. On every level. #ashes

Talking about analysis on opposition batters. How long do you reckon they spend on Crawley? #theashes

Someone please commission Boycottbox whereby someone installs a camera in the great man’s home and we watch his reaction to these two teams bat #theashes

People waking up to see Archer bowling to Smith will be confused #theashes

Archer to Smith - what a game - here we go #theashes

Jesus - the Joff delivers #theashes

They didn’t bounce out England’s lower order. They bowled about twenty short balls that England tried to smash and lost five wickets #theashes

God the commentary on TNT is dull. No Australian voices. No Ponting, Atherton…just dull

If you look at the scorecard you’d think that Australia and Starc were unplayable. Lost 5 for 12 at the end. All to shit shots. #theashes

England haven’t been ‘blown away’. Root was. Crawley threw away his wicket as did the entire lower order #theashes

That was embarrassing #theashes

Starc full and straight to Smith now #theashes

This is low level cricket from England #theashes

They’ve only faced 30 overs! #theashes

Incredible work by TNT to have dreamt up two graphics that are completely meaningless #theashes

Not sure I’ve got the ticker to watch Brook ‘dig in’ #theashes

Bit of sun on this track and Wood and Archer are going to fly through #theashes

Crawley’s weight transfer today will be downwards on a chair #theashes

‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ Crawley #ashes

‘Crawley would be thinking….’ Wrong. #theashes

Fuxj me what an awful shot no feet arms away #ashes

You really don’t have to work hard to get Crawley out do you? #theashes

Wife’s last words last night when I told her I was getting up at 2am was ‘twat’ - yes but a loyal one #theashes

You are supposed to gently glide into winter to allow you adjust, not be dropped into it like one of those people sitting atop a water dunking tank at a fair waiting for someone to aim a ball at the middle of the target.

God I loathe Jonathan Pie.

It’s 2031. You’re a senior official in the Cabinet Office. A respiratory pandemic has broken out in China. You crack open the Hallett Inquiry recommendations to find out what to do and learn…