i love my kid he is perfect in every way

idk why a part of me is lightly rooting for george santos. hes just ... such a scoundrel. a real jackanapes

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH!!!! AGGHGHHHHH!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!

i saw him in 2010~ and will always remember him exaggerating his flinching at the pyro

This comes off like a Parks and Rec episode

i’m depressed

wow, okay, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cereal. didn’t realize he was a really scary vampire

*shows up to your wedding dressed like a wizard* not everything is about you ok

white house has joined bluesky click here to block all official us government accounts instantly bsky.app/profile/did:...

if water is so good for me then how can i choke on it? i’ve never been betrayed by diet coke going down the wrong pipe

halloween is the fucking best. i love kids in costumes i love candy i love carnivals i love haunted houses i love scary movies i love being alive and celebrating the change in seasons i love all of this

my kid has stoner parents and stoner grandparents and stoner aunts and uncles and when i tell you this kid wanted this candy fuckin cigarette more than anything else

ready to go home and take my wig off

my son (pre-k) went through the 8th grade haunted house without me and LOVED it saying “my heart is shaking! it was 100% scary but the best part”

watching “will it jack o lantern” while i get ready for trunk or treating

rich husband: darling where is the caviar rich wife, shooting the husband: in the refrigerator rich husband, shot in the leg: darling can you fetch the caviar i’m wounded

one thing about eloping is that you will never be invited to a friend's wedding, ever lol

Defragmenting Drive C in Windows 98 SE

murder trials are just a mix of cell phone records and home “security” footage

smash the like button. take out all your frustrations out on the like button. decimate every particle of the like button until no trace of the like button is left. once you are satisfied with the fate of the like button, turn your attention towards the subscribe button and continue your rampage.

I am shocked and dismayed at Zohran Mamdani's erasure of parades that do not exist.

putting a durag on my neopet

watching a good mythical morning marathon and link said if i have been watching the whole time (i have) that i need to stretch my legs (i do) okay dad! #gmmposting

For what I pay in health insurance it should come with one x-ray a year of "whatever I want" on a walk-in basis at the imaging center

my family: (staging an intervention) you have got to stop eating so much hummus me: (crunching down on a false tooth to release garlic hummus into my mouth) you have no idea what you're up against

friday is starbucks day

based nancy

really wish i could invite u guys over for dinner

I grew up hearing my mom tell stories about being taken to protests as a kid, and how the grown-ups would tell her to wave at the FBI agents on the roof who were taking pictures, and that the whole idea was to show them there are too many of us to be afraid of them

the whole point of mass protest is to demonstrate overwhelming opposition to the political direction, at a scale that can't be cracked down on dress comfortably and stay away from anyone inciting violence, but don't let clout chasers scare you into losing sight of how the basic concept works

MAYBE ITS NOT MY WEEKEND !!! BUT ITS GONNA BE MY YEAR !!! & IM SO SICK OF WATCHING WHILE THE MINUTES PASS AS I GO NOWHERE & THIS IS MY REACTION !!! TO EVERYTHING I FEAR !!!!! CAUSE IVE BEEN GOING CRAZY !!! I DONT WANNA WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE HERE !!!!

'Oh no m, i don't watch tv' is not quite the own when you mumble 'i am on bluesky all day' afterwards

after my former friend was arrested for the arson that killed his grandma and aunt, i realized that i no longer check for his address in the news. i checked every report of violent crime for his street. in the end, that is how i found out. i always knew. i did not realize i was so afraid of him.

there is no greater feeling in the world than seeing your friend achieve professional success with their art. it compares to how i feel about my child as a parent, genuinely.

i went to high school and college with the guy from 100 gecs and i well up with hometown pride when i see people talk about them :-)

the constitution was written by radical left wing terrorists

getting my pussy ate by goblins

I THINK IT’S TIME THAT I SHOULD LEAVE

In Defense Of The Humble Handjob,

for my final act of love i am going to pee in your shoes 💘

kicked him out of the house 🤮

he asked me to drive him to work. i said yes because he had been talking about how much pain he was in all morning. while on the way, he said to me, "i am trying to be as hurtful as possible because you complain too much"

if your first kid is perfect don't have a second kid

Betwixt you and I, I do know what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.

we have got to start killing billionaires. is the first line that the villain speaks in the novel im writing. really though, in the real world, we have to kill these people. he continues