she is currently an “illegal immigrant”

last year when the person went down i overheard a woman shout “it’s happening again!!”

every year we go to christmas eve service at my parents’ megachurch and for the past two years an older person has either died or passed out in the middle of service watch this space

Mr. Gorbachev, DECK THIS HALL!!

beseech me thru the phone

I beseech thee bro

santa loves oklahoma, like i do.

we got a guy making a mess in the bar, says he’s the king of all birds, he’s not with you guys right?

if no one is gonna buy u a xmas present then buy urself ur own xmas present. that;'s right bitch. it doesnt matter if ur in ur 30s or 40s. buy urself the present u want & put it under the damn tree & then be like "oh wow how did santa know this is exactly what i wanted" TRUST ME!!!!!!

show me how your 2025 went

glad i remembered to never force a charge cause buddy there was a rhinestone on that bad boy

it’s christmas eve and i haven’t even wrapped two fucking presents i’m so sorry blink-182

first they came for the new york times and i said that's fine they can have that one we'll try the next one

I donated a car to charity a few years back and my reward for it is a pretty constant barrage of emails asking me why the fuck I’m not giving them more cars

i’m going to be thinking about this all day long

A big clock in a video is a clear indicator that you are about to see something gnarly. Two big clocks? Heh. You're going to learn something today.

The censored 60 Minutes' segment, Inside CECOT, is now available. Download from @ddosecrets.com: data.ddosecrets.com/Inside%20CEC... Download/stream from @archive.org: archive.org/details/insi... The original video was recorded by @jasonparis.bsky.social, and cleaned up by @emma.best

Fair use.

oof that is a powerful therapist. goodness.

#EC49B1

try to sound surprised when the alcoholic with divorced dad energy in Stranger Things is an alcoholic with divorced dad energy irl

BLUESKY HAS OFFICIALLY BANNED THE USE OF GOATSE

i tried using bluesky and it sucks and i kept using it

Excited to announce that today might be the day I full on shit my pants in public!!! 🤩

they should put a toilet on the bus. prison style in the corner

from my fb feed lol

Sold a membership deal and the guy said “You’re a great sales person! I wish you worked for my company!” 😁

I'm making a prequel called Ocean's Two. Yeah it's about when he's still in his dad's BALLS (glances up from phone enough to jerk steering wheel back to right lane)

my manager sent a text in the group chat trashing him for this days later, feels vindicating as hell

not enough sleep but fuck it let’s do this!

i got an ocd diagnosis & started Zoloft

sorry to have to say this but even if you read something I said neutrally as insulting to you personally it is still not my job to manage that emotional reaction for you

Riding in a driverless Waymo and it’s actually really fun. I am banging on the windows and screaming “help me, you gotta fucking help me” at pedestrians

On December 21, 2012, PSY's Gangnam Style became the first video on YouTube to hit 1 billion views, changing internet history forever. #InternetHistory

my gender is galadriel’s speech about being beautiful and terrible

i'm a nonbinary goth baddie with fat tiddies. i don't deserve to be sad on christmas....

the airing of grievances will take place at mushroom square at seven pm

Ppl think they can be disrespectful to me cuz im 5'2 & have a cartoon character voice & Im a bottom. But this is simply not true. My iq is 3000 & I read da Bible everyday. I am more spiritually powerful than u can even begin to imagine. I am giving u a wedgie in the astral plane rn. I cannot die.

i pretty much blew up my whole life but it’s like. i feel better now

just shut the fuck up who cares

how it feels to get a bunch of fire reacts in the group chat

in the goodwill outlet bins tonight. i did not bring it home lol

hanging out with my son who is the coolest little guy ever and we are watching tom & jerry, ordered taco bell. he had his first doritos locos taco. life is perfect.

the process of making creative things yourself needs to be romanticized even more

you need to make crap that sucks before you can make something good. don’t let ai take away the process from you