Ok so which antisocial fuckwit is having noisy fireworks at midnight and waking up the whole neighbourhood? Who the hell celebrates the arrival of 9 July, and why can’t they do it quietly?

I was going to get Kafka’s Metamorphosis from the Apple bookstore, but the AI generated blurb is just too hilarious. Kafka would love it.

In case you missed it, here's Count Binface's appearance on the BBC this morning.

Oh I think we'll all be listening to the Count!

Saw Colombia vs Switzerland described as Charlie vs the Chocolate Factory

BBC News is an embarrassment. Just look at today’s front page. Are any of these actual news stories that relate to the important stuff currently going on in the world? FFS, BBC, it’s your core job to inform. Stop f-ing about with this tabloid shit.

A telethon commemorates the legend of the ancient Greek messenger who brought the news of the Battle of Telethon by making 10,000 phone calls

"Ask your butcher or gamekeeper about the providence of the rabbit." I did and my gamekeeper thought it most unlikely that the rabbit had ever been the beneficiary of divine guidance. However, possibly more so than me www.greatbritishchefs.com/how-to-cook/...

Miss 17 has passed her driving test and is SO EXCITED. I don’t think I’m ever going to get to use my car again though.

This reminds me: when I was a student, OJ Simpson came to speak at the Oxford Union. The same day, there was a breakout from Oxford jail. A friend got a picture of an Oxford Mail newsstand with two headlines: OJ visits Oxford Killer on the Loose

Burnham's big devolution speech should be taking place in a city not called Manchester (Leicester, Wolverhampton, Coventry, you take your pick) and I would have thought it was obvious why.

Caption supplied by serendipity of my Bluesky timeline #GirlsOwnCc

Reversed, wrong-headed, lied; unhinged, wrong-headed, deprived.

A woman returns home unexpectedly early one day and catches her husband, a Professor of Linguistics, in bed with one of his students. "Well!" she says. "I am surprised!" "No, darling," he replies. "*We* are surprised. *You* are merely astonished."

Mrs P and I recently celebrated that it’s 30 years since we started dating. Thinking back to 1996- the news headlines were all about BSE. It was going to kill us all. Prions were on everyone’s lips (metaphorically and literally). Whatever happened to them? Does anyone still hear about them?

Here’s an idea. Let’s not ask Nigel Farage what he thinks. We’re all well aware exactly what he fucking thinks. Maybe ask some grown ups instead.

Wait.. who names their kid after a Deliveroo bag? www.msn.com/en-gb/news/n...

My nine year old asked for a Rosetta Stone cake for his birthday

MUPPETS PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.

MUPPET MIDDLEMARCH

DVLA has derogated issuing International Driving Licences to the Paypoint network. So I just got one issued by a guy whose only qualification is that he runs a corner shop. What kind of controlled process is that? At this point they might as well just let us download our own IDL on line.

I’ve not read it myself, but I guess it’s one of Enid Blyton’s darker works.

World Cup FACT: Messi is only the second Mister Men character to have played in a World Cup finals following Gianfranco Topsiturvi's appearance for Italy in 1938.

Perhaps the greatest newspaper editorial of all time theonion.com/i-work-very-...

Just remembered we've passed the 10th anniversary of this untruthful tweet

Disappointed by today’s #Maptap. Normandy is a whole region not a specific location that you can pinpoint to a few kilometres, guys!

I hope it’s Bagpuss. We need some fresh thinking.

Oxford in summer is just magical.

Oxford in summer is just magical.

My weather app says “expect light rain in the next hour”. It’s thundering, hailing and so wet that the garden is disappearing under the monsoon because it can’t drain away quickly enough.

It’s all kicking off in Richmond.

#italyinsongsandmovies Brindisi head of Alfredo Garcia Livorno let die

It’s a stupidly high bar but I believe this to be Craig Brown’s finest work

Mrs P has gone paddle boarding. I think I’d prefer serf boarding. A large board for me to lie on, with a serf to do the paddling.

Here's one for you: our paper has been sent to three journals over the course of nine months... without a full review. The first journal found ONE person. The last journal tried 15 times and no dice. What on earth. Anyone want to read a paper about emperor penguins? 🦉🦑🌍🧪

Pretty sure I have flu. I’m enjoying today’s heatwave on the balcony of a cottage in the Lake District.… but wearing a woolly jumper and clutching a hot water bottle.

I seem to be continuing the tradition of picking up infections while on business trips. I have flu or something like it. We’ve come up to the Lake District for the half term week, and everyone else is enjoying the lovely sunshine, and I’m in bed feeling crap. Hmph.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

I was in Shanghai recently and went to Muf Muf. I can recommend it as a place to eat out.

This is a real upmarket brand in China. Based on the marketing, I think they were aiming for something sophisticated and floral with a sort of Cath Kidston-esque appeal. Probably should have checked with a native English speaker before launch.

www.maptap.gg May 14 100🎯 99🎯 96🔥 99🎯 97🔥 Final score: 979 Best so far!

Not sure where this year’s Respiratory Infection World Championship is being held but I think I just ran into Team Australia, all of whom are changing planes in HK airport.

Artist’s impression:

The first rule of the Introvert Club is please don't start a club.

“Hello everyone and welcome to my Ted Talk, ‘It Was the Cat: Diverting Blame in the Digital Age’.”

Doctor Trivago #BrandNameSongsOrMovies

Dancing at Lufthansa #BrandNameSongsOrMovies [and yes the late great Willie Rushton came up with this one, but it’s such a great pun I just had to share it]