#Jokevent Day 11: What do the taskmaster lads hang on their door at Christmas? Wreath Shearsmith

If you're not feeling confident please be inspired by my cat, who according to his body language believes he could successfully hunt an elephant

Darwinian Christmas

#Jokevent day 10: Why did woke Santa cross the road? To get to the other pride (he's gay)

#Jokevent day 9: What do the kids and a couple of guys who run sweet shops on Oxford Street sing at Christmas? Falalalalalalalabubu

Is there anyone I can talk to on here about 2017 Spanish drama series Money Heist? I need to tell someone that Raquel is Spain's Suranne Jones and Arturo is the penguin from toy story

Why has it taken me this long to watch The Rehearsal every interaction is gold

#Jokevent day 8: What's black and white and sled all over? A snowy hill with a big stain

#Jokevent day 7: What does Keir Starmer get for Christmas? Lynx Britain (reform voters are you seeing this it's for you)

#Jokevent day 6: What does woke Santa order at the Vietnamese restaurant? PHO PHO PHO (he points out it's not pronounced like that, more "fuh")

#Jokevent day 5: What do you call a pregnant farm animal painted green? The Grinch that foal Christmas

🙏

WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’

Never deleting my vinted account

Morning! Here's #Jokevent day 4: What does woke Santa hate most? Ho ho homophobia

james cameron every couple of years for some reason:

They say they don't have resources to defend themselves in a legal challenge but they literally have their own law???

Stephen Fry is sizing him up for a traitor as we speak

Roses are red Charlie Parker played be-bop

#Jokevent day 3: Knock knock Who's there? Figgy Pudding Figgy Pudding who? Figgy Pudding dong ding dong. Ding dong ding dong. It's me big ben

2. That the BBC is being misleading by making a series on the British Empire that focuses on the British Empire.

Halfway through the new Stranger Things and there's no difference between these characters

The best guy alive, likes being carried to this chair to watch the birds because the floor outside is cold on his feet

#Jokevent day 2: What do you call a creamy guy at the sharp end of a difficult economic period? George Baileys

Giving you a joke advent this year #jokevent because jokes don't cost minimum £2 in tescos What do you call a star with a fringe? Claudia Twinkleman

Alan Carr is at CMAT in Brixton and genuinely can't sit down for a second because so many people want pictures

This made me realise our couple (+ cat) name is Len

keep on truckin little your party

It's that time of year to recommend Charlie Cooper's Myth Country to you all - if you like folklore and want a nice time find it on iplayer

Pardoning one pig in a blanket this Christmas, it can live out the rest of its days in a proper bed with a duvet

lmao

“Mirek, could you provide a photo of you looking anxious” “Sorry I only have this”

never change, NYT Cooking

I feel as though my cat can speak perfect English

People are calling my lede here "appalling," "nightmare fuel," "actively evil," and "a desecration of the human spirit"

Chaos on TwitterX as they roll out a new change which shows the location of the user and inadvertently reveal how many fake accounts there are and how much foreign interference. Earlier a vocal Scottish independence campaigner was outed as an Iranian account. Then there’s this pro Trump one:

RIP Udo Kier, stalwart of outlier international cinema. Thanks for, among many others, Mark of the Devil, Flesh for Frankenstein, Blood for Dracula, Suspiria, My Own Private Idaho, Shadow of the Vampire, Dancer in the Dark and The Kingdom. And Swan Song, such a deliciously camp and moving late film.

i’ve been sort of peripherally aware of enoch burke for a while but it was only seeing this article that i saw how absolutely batshit insane his whole family is, leading me to discover this incredible paragraph on his family’s wikipedia page

If i'd known the telegraph were in that much financial trouble, i'd have loudly offered them 5 billion quid and then 2 days later quietly slipped them a note saying 'clarification: with regards to our earlier statement, the 5 billion quid does not exist & if it did it would not be used to buy you.'

A ROAST IN A BEEF GIANT YORKSHIRE PORK PUDDING TURKEY

I guess one difference between me and Elon Musk is that, if I was gaming an AI to say these things about me, and everyone could see that I had done this, I'd have simply no choice but to set myself on fire.

It’s the exclusive everyone wanted, the story that will win next year’s Pulitzer… I can reveal London’s giant AI generated Christmas artwork, the subject of much online mockery, is being torn down - and I honestly *genuinely* think you’ll never guess why. www.londoncentric.media/p/ai-artwork...

I quit the former Twitter two years ago this week, and I am here to tell you that my online life got a lot better for having left it. In two years I've not been tempted to go back, and I haven't felt any penalty in either career or community for not being there. It's nice to be here and not there.

laughing again because during a quiz there was a question about a famous pirate and I said to my friend just name any pirate and he panicked and said long bon jovi

Today on "my life is a morality question we ask 10 year olds"

The cover of Nature’s latest issue is metal as fuck

Fun things to say in the mirror: ~ Don't be shit ~ At least I have my health (not mental) ~ Love yourself, like RuPaul or Trump