Wedging the kitchen drawer shut was only the start of its reign of terror.

And you may find yourself living in an Apostolic Palace And you may find yourself in a city that's inside Rome And you may find yourself behind the glass of a large Popemobile And you may find yourself in a beautiful cassock, with designer shoes And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

I don't usually skeet about #Strictly, but Karen and Carlos's paso doble was 🔥 as metal as FUCK 🔥

Saw the #WayneThiebaud exhibition at the Courtauld Gallery today. Not a massive show (three smallish rooms) but still a nice burst of colour on a massively grey and wet day. Not surprisingly, I REALLY wanted a cake afterwards, so I had to go to the Delaunay Counter for a spot of #cakeporn.

And lo, the ox and the ass did gaze upon the Holy Child and the ass did say “That’s a very snazzy onesie he’s got on, looks like the Lord’s going to be a trendsetter,” and the heavenly host sang on high “All praise to Boden and their Black Friday offers!”

IMPORTANT GLOBAL NEWS: London Zoo now has two capybaras. They are called Kiwi and Gizmo and they have their own heated pool. www.facebook.com/reel/2486568...

Drew Gabriel Book from #Bookish because that was a very good show I watched this year!

I've now watched #SlowHorses so here's a mini Jackson Lamb, for all your greasily coiffured weaponized farting needs.

How delightfully quaint some of these old Devon village names are, their etymologies lost in the mists of time.

Bouncy Stonehenge was one of the best 2012 things! I had a bounce on it in Lee Valley Park and it was great. I also got to watch it being reinflated after a puncture was repaired, and watching all the standing stones popping back up again was SO satisfying.

Our name is cows And in this thread We will distract From fear and dread And other bad things you may feel We cleanse your timeline No big deal 🐮

Currently watching Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein, and feeling a surprisingly kinship with a hero who creates an uncontrollable new lifeform and deeply regrets it. Mainly because I emptied my food waste bin today after three weeks of forgetting to. #ItsAlive #AndExtremelyFurry

Tilda Swinton is using haute couture as an excuse for shoplifting random items down her frock, and nobody dares to challenge her about it. Wake up, sheeple.

Just remembered that on my way to work this morning I saw a bloke in ordinary clothes, walking along holding a Captain Britain shield as if it had fallen from the heavens and he had no idea what to do about it.

soup as old as time broth as old as rhyme beauty and the bisque

JR Hartley sitting in a tree F-I-S-H-I-N-G

I don't think I'm likely to die on a hill. It's a better bet that I'll die at the bottom of the hill while whining about not wanting to go up it.

can't park there mate

french wikipedia is the only language that has a "list of bastards" article

Wood ducks are cavity nesters and frequently use nest boxes. After the ducklings hatch, the next day, after the female ensures it is safe, the ducklings jump out of the box to start their adventurous life. Photos taken in my yard. #Birdoftheday theme #takeoff 🪶

Did Celia Imrie write this?

Beautiful Jill McDonald front and back covers for this 1960s primary school English textbook, filled with lovely, thoughtful invitations to imagine, play with poems and write short creative pieces

Legs are standing In the desert Vast and trunkless In the sun They're a relic Of a king's great hubris Ozymandias, everyone 🎄

Joe/Nick, lovers to enemies to lovers, slowburn, 100,000+ #CelebrityTraitors

"Behind the gormless façade": they definitely don't write celebrity captions like they used to.

When I was young, there was a 6 month period where my dad was away in the Falkland's. My sisters wrote him a letter explaining how we were going to a bonfire for 'Gay Fox Night'. This is what happens when your mother has a strong Northern Irish accent and is the main influence on your accent.

Randomly remembering how Jean Michel Jarre collaborated with Hank Marvin in the late 80s and because of his accent would refer to the former Shadow in interviews as “Honk Marvin”.

There is an osteopath in one of the flats at the Barbican, which I keep meaning to book a session with just so I can go into one of the flats at the Barbican

🎶 Dog on an escalator Pick up your pup when you're going down

A big butch shout-out for Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, the big butch manly movie podcast that is now on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@kkbbpod Although they specialize in Bond, they cover a wide range of culty, kitschy viewing, and Andrew and Shane are funny, perceptive and just delightful to spend time with.

Happy #GodzillaDay to all who celebrate! Also, fruit salad flavour Chewits are the best and I could happily devour a packet right now.

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE SECOND INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE OVER ZOOM TO MEET MORE OF THE TEAM UNFORTUNATELY, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL ON THIS OCCASION, BUT WE HOPE YOU'LL APPLY FOR FUTURE POSITIONS WITH THE VAMPIRE

Had a hilarious Halloween night at the Union Chapel, seeing comedy from Phil Wang, Amy Gledhill, Mike Wozniak and more. (And after his recent tonsorial horrors, I can confirm that Mr Wozniak's hair is now a number 4 all over and looks pretty darn good.)

There are loads of ads on the tube at the moment that feature people bathing in Heinz soup, but whatever modern advertising can do, medieval manuscripts can always do better.

So, Joe Marler + Nick Mohammed + celebrity bromance roadtrip series when? #CelebrityTraitors

'I was just about to drop off, when suddenly, 'tap, tap, tap' at the window, you know who it was? Bleedin' Ozymandias! Stark naked save for a cold sneering visage. He was hanging on the window sill, I could see his trunkless legs all white, saying 'Peter, look upon my works, Peter, and despair!'

Ozzy the Mandias mocked his foes and said: Despair! I'm a great man! See my pedestal, lip and hand Hand, hand, hand Ozzy the Mandias lost his trunk And crumbled into the wasteland Nothing's left but a frown in the sand Sand, sand, sand

How d'you do I See you've met the Ozymandy-man He's just a little let down by these Trunkless legs They've left him just a Sandy man Don't get strung out By these fallen rocks Look on my works and despair-oh There's not much of the man In these desert sands But in life I was one hell of a Pharaoh

A female sex demon is called a succubus. A male sex demon is called an incubus. A non-binary sex demon is called an omnibus.

On the same topic, you never hear about the current holder of the title of Russia's greatest love machine. Surely it remains a hotly-contested moniker?

What the heck does “Be the trousers” mean? Get all up in this woman’s crotch and then split?

What the heck does “Be the trousers” mean? Get all up in this woman’s crotch and then split?

Really enjoyed the #EmilyKamKngwarray exhibition at Tate Modern today. Like floating in a realm of three-dimensional colours and space.

in the money supermarket advert, is judi dench the super seven’s boss and if so why doesn’t she just tell them where the bloke who needs a deal is? she seems like a terrible manager

It's my birthday today so I'm going out in search of cake and culture! Pictured: me on my 3rd birthday, proving that 51 years may have passed but the cake fixation remains strong 🍰💪

Farfalle, because the pinched bit in the middle is always too tough.

The thing that makes Star Trek utopian isn’t the end of scarcity or the harmony between all peoples it’s also that the guy on the ship who gets laid the most plays the trombone at work and periodically does community theater