Home from work celebrating with a milkshake.

Work trip canceled. Pub? Pub!

Especially satisfying because you just know Controlla thought this was a checkmate winning line at first.

Don’t worry it’s mandatory psych session tomorrow so that’ll fix me.

ANYWAY… in other news. The show I’m doing next weekend is raising money for a memorial for ex service men and women who have taken their own lives following the PTSD they have endured. Quite proud of this too. I think it’s good that jiggling our wobbly bits is benefitting charity.

All the Child’s play films. They weren’t what he was hoping from the title but he enjoyed them nonetheless.

Imagine if instead of spending a shitload of money on another Bond film they made something fun and original instead.

It’s been an equally sad and heartwarming day. Was going to have a cup of tea but went with a glass of scotch instead.

😂😂

This Troll has seen some shit.

Fuck Monday mornings

Everyone is posting good on my tl and I’m gonna get a macdonalds on the way to work.

Fuck it I’m going to bed so I can drop my kindle on my head.

Love me some bubbles.

You might be rich AF and beautiful but you your face looks just as stupid as everyone else’s when you cum

Anyway I reaffirmed my hatred for painting walls this weekend so from now on I am paying someone else to do it.

5pm on Sunday. Just need the paint to dry so I’m finally having a relax. Except I got in the bath and forgot to bring a beer.🙄

Well I’m going to go back to my chores and the second series of Bad Women on Spotify. Give it a go it’s very interesting.

Me flirting:

Broke my rule and opened work emails on a Sunday. Looks like I’m travelling again this week🙄

Nobody is going to bring me coffee so I may as well get up.

Please peruse my goods 💘🐤https://hellohalloweeno.etsy.com

Hey @helsmels.bsky.social this is the skill level he needs to reach. www.reddit.com/r/oddlysatis...

Should I be getting things done? Yes. Am I getting things done? No.

Didn’t get to the pub last night and my locals always rammed with tourists on a Saturday so I’m having cake for lunch today as a sad replacement

Hello dragons I’m looking for £100k for a 25% share in my “making news websites unreadable on mobile devices”. By effective use of autoplaying video, headlines that vanish when you scroll down but pop up when you scroll up and a screen size advert with a tiny x I can reduce readability by 1000%

Keep me amused while I’m getting stuff done. Or don’t I’m not your boss.

Weekend!

Friday!

Man with small penis proves his brains match.

It’s 06:30. I have a short day in the office today then it’s Barnet cut and finishe this damn decorating 🤞

Heard my first Christmas song this morning. Let it snow. It was 25 degrees Celsius and the day was going to be low 30s

On this day 1605: Guy Fawkes attempts to blow up King James I and the Houses of Parliament.

Gonna sit here listening to the insects until they start biting me.

A Map Of Britain After The 2029 Technology Crash, by me and my dad.

He died for our sins.

I must confirm that I am not the god of hellfire.

This account…. Smells of sweat and woodsmoke.

Not really a big crime or detective book fan but I may be addicted to the Rebus books.

Oldest selfie on the phone.

The artist Keith A Pettit spotted this photo and came up with this wood engraving based on it. I love it. You can find out more about Keith's work here: www.keithapettit.com

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the UK countryside is full of interdimensional portals. You just have to know where to look.

@captainfanny.co.uk apparently your old now. I would like a round of applause for modern medicine as I’m sure they had a hand in it.

2pm. Day off. Sober. Bollocks.

This is how I'm going to look every time someone dislikes one of my posts.

I’m gonna have another glass of scotch and then go to bed and read a book

Treat yo self

Guess what twat drilled a hole through a water pipe.

Laundry on, boots and helmet scrubbed (not like that you pervs) need to clean my bergan and then get more coffee.