Her favourite way to consume two drinks at a time? Dual IPAs

-What are Dua Lipa's favourite perennial bulbs? -Two Lips? -Yes

People who make posts on Bluesky etiquette for new users are the sort who keep binoculars by their front window.

"Beam me up the arse"

Battling Hamnet Crust Ahead

Last night I watched Buster Keaton's The General (1926), which the blurb described as "one of the funniest comedies of all time". My face for the duration of the film:

It is not obligatory to use the phrase "giant killing" when a small team beats a bigger team in the FA Cup. The media:

I had a wart on my knee. When my mum was out the house, my dad chopped it off with a carving knife while my older brother held me down.

Drinking water from a hose

People wearing shoes without socks always gives me the ick but I've just seen a photo of Mads Mikkelsen sockless in loafers and I'm ok with it.

Julian Clary fisting Norman Lamont backstage.

Spicy Tomato Wotsits

I've not watched Stranger Things because I'm an adult.

"The Great British Face/Off - is it real or is it Cage?"

Fuck it. Watching Face/Off

Is it ok to put a comb in the dishwasher?

"Bring back Spicy Tomato Wotsits"

My hot take on the situation with everything is that all empires fall eventually. But also, if I was the American public, I simply would not have voted for an orange nonce.

Now the grass will be Everlong

I stand by my bet that he'll be dead by 65.

Strong correlation between people who take part in the "no trousers" Tube day and people who are either already on the sex offenders register or should be.

This keyboard is actually an entire computer. Just plug it into a monitor and you’re set.

2026 is going to be another great year for people who say every international incident is "World War 3".

You're not ready for the name of the energy transition specialist at Heat Pump Association UK

Jesus H (and I cannot stress this enough) fucking Christ.

Don’t look back in scaramanga…

Pineapple on pizza is delicious 🍍

this turned out to be one of my “too subtle” ones

Olivia Coleman is overrated.

Me every time I drive through the Blackwall Tunnel, which now has a toll.

I sometimes wonder if Simon Le Bon sings "eggs on toast" to the tune of Girls on Film.

very well then. send as many men as you can spare. and fresh horses for all of them (covering the phone and leaning over to talk to my wife, the queen) an egg fell. off a wall

😌

Why is this sort of stuff on my phone?

If you like books about men who cross their arms, Waterstones in Manchester has a bunch of them

I keep saying this, but it's people cradling/hugging a public toilet bowl when they throw up.

Heard that your mum's fanny is doing dry January.

I've taken down the Christmas tree and put up the Easter egg.

Jurassic World is a Christmas movie

Not watching Traitors because I have a soul.

Supermarkets ranked by the quality of their microwave curries: 1. M&S 2. Sainsbury's 3. Somerfield (RIP) 4. Tesco 5. Waitrose 6. Morrisons 7. Asda 8. Co-op 9. Aldi 10. Lidl

Watched "Get Out". 6/10. Ok film, nowhere near as good as everyone says it is. #barrynorman

Oh dear

"Breaking Hoodad. A chemistry teacher makes crystal meth to pay for his dog's vet bills."

Twenty twenty sick more like #morelike

Why do people need to be warned that it's cold in winter. FF - and I cannot stress this enough - S. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

A couple approached me in a bar in New York and said something in French. I don't speak French but replied "Je suis Anglais", and they laughed and left.

I am wearing a thermal vest and cardigan indoors.

People who use public transport over Christmas/new year to go anywhere further than the local shops are absolutely mental. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...