New start of post-apocalypse sci fi film just dropped www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Had an argument with an idiot driver on the school run. Who turned out to be driving an unmarked police car.

Well this is just adorable

Frogs are sad on the first day of the month because it's when all their direct ribbits go out.

New retort just dropped

If you're feeling down about criticism you've received, remember there are negative reviews on Amazon where people complain that their solar-powered products don't work unless it's sunny.

We're all just pretending that this place doesn't suck balls, and that it's as good as pre-Musk twitter.

Plague David

But they'll still charge £7 for a pint of piss and £25 for a crap burger. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Might have a nap and do no work for the rest of the day like a Spanish person.

Can we ban Instagram reels until everybody has been educated on what "POV" actually means.

News outlets asking under-16s whether social media should be banned for under-16s is like asking alcoholics if they support prohibition.

Just ate a lamb curry that looked like the poo I did this morning, so that's nice.

Judith Embalmers #morelike

Looking forward to seeing complaints about how hot it is from the same people who've spent the past 10 months complaining about how cold and wet it is.

If my understanding is correct, Bournemouth won the Premier League last night.

Me and my friends will kill gmail with hammers, I know that much

Walking very normal today sir. Looking very sober.

My new favourite band is Fat Dog. Mainly because they're called Fat Dog.

this is a masterpiece

I am watching Michael Portillo's Great Continental Railway Journeys while wearing a gilet, even though I am not actually a cunt.

I just did a #politics

None of this matters because the people voting for him don't care, in the same way that Trump supporters don't care about what he has done.

Just did some gardening for my men's mental health.

Daytime TV is great if you like hearing the phrase "bacterial vaginosis" every 15 minutes.

Starmer can turn this around by doing the Theresa May conference walk-on dance every time he makes a speech.

Wes Streeting looks like Skynet sent him from the future to kill John Connor.

The UK entry to Eurovision should be a boy band called Wogan - all dressed as Wogan, singing the "Wogan" theme tune a cappella.

Imagine if Hamnet died now

Battling PM Crust Ahead

Just got home with the big shop. Lots to unpack here.

I've been sacked from the pasta factory because I made a fusilli mistakes.

The best beekeeping dogs are beegles and golden beetrievers.

just learned about beekeeping dogs who sniff out bad larvae 🥹

🎵The Hantabus is coming, And everybody's running, Canaries to the Wirral, Can catch it from a squirrel🎵

Project Hail Mary is very Silent Running (1972) meets Sunshine (2007). It's ok. 3.5/5

The Thing 2: The Thinger

If you read them from the beginning they're the words of a dog who desperately wants you to come over because they've seen a frisbee

"He woke screaming in agony and saw the bird flying away with one of his ‘crown jewels’ wedged in its yellow beak." Beautifully poetic

Me, bleeding profusely from my balls: "Actually it's a herring gull" www.suffolkgazette.com/seagull-rips...

Sad to report that this garage doesn’t have another sign on the way out that says “to see you nice”.

Find somebody who loves you as much as Amazon Prime loves offering the most mid films ever - not quite so bad that you can instantly dismiss them, but also not good enough to watch, so you spend 2 hours trying to choose one before giving up and going to bed instead. All for just £95 per year.

This is my ward so I'm pleased with my neighbours right now.

Modest proposal: People who use "staycation" to mean "going on holiday" to be placed under indefinite house arrest.

Everyone thinks we'll be wiped out by Trump starting WW3, but it will actually be a middle-class couple going bird-watching at a landfill site. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Heard that your dad is referring to your parents' bedroom as "the polling station".

Spain is allowing the hentavirus cruise ship to dock like the start of a zombie movie.

Same energy: