For absolute clarification, Butt Floss = Cameron, Bottom Cyst = Farage

Magnificent metaphor, well done NASA. It's one small piss for man etc

Photographed while filming No-Arm Holiday

Haiku For An Uber Eats Rider Indicating right For three miles, you then turned left Without signalling

Me too, steak pie

Jurassic Park but they have resurrected the entire Carry On cast using DNA off some cigarette ends found in a Pinewood ashtray. They escape & idk eat/try to shag everyone?

Doomwatch (the film) starting on a channel called Legend Xtra+1. Ian Bannen is ace as always in this.

Tiffany & Debbie Gibson unaware that in 23 years time they'd be panelling each other in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

"The office summer party will be on The Event Horizon" *contented screeching noises*

Kendo Nagasaki has pulled out of the LDN show he was due to wrestle his retirement match on next week in Dudley, over the promotion increasingly cosying up to the Reform party. Fair play, imagine being morally outflanked by Kendo Nagasaki.

People fretting that the Iranian nonsense might start World War 3, unaware that it already started 5 years ago www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-e...

“Lee plays the scene almost completely internally. There is a fleeting look across his face which the camera catches. It isn’t triumph exactly. It’s more complicated than that. Doubt perhaps, or reverence. Or maybe just the expression of a man who has just set something irreversible in motion...”

Six months later...

The tortoise escaped while having his bath today leading to this exact exchange

While wearing a rucksack, sitting down sideways on a train/bus aisle seat, thus flattening their neighbour against the window.

Duty Free: Dubai (2026). After their hotel is hit by a drone, Amy, David, Linda & Robert are questioned by the secret police who cannot fathom their 7 month holiday

It is my birthday, so I am having a big plate breakfast, no pissing about. Big plate.

Chelsea Dagger. I would cheerfully wire myself to a generator if they'd switch it off.

Oh that's just fucking great the Metaverse is closing down?! It's my birthday tomorrow & all I wanted was a Metaverse hat or whatever it is. Now I'll never get to do metaverse things. Cheers

The job market is tough for young people atm, but the London Wildlife Trust has PAID traineeships available for those looking to get into nature recovery and conservation Deadline is this Sunday 22nd March, so be quick careers.wildlondon.org.uk/job/c00274af...

All the king's horses & all the king's men have a lot to answer for

Europeans when asked to help unblock the strait of Hormuz:

'hastily' is the key word here. If he'd taken his time there would be no Co-op freakout. Lesson learned I hope.

the catchiest sex-ed BOP you will ever hear

Like David Lo Pan?

Wombles' eyes are on the front of their head, suggesting that they are predators.

Me listening to BBC 5 Live Breakfast when they don't have the proper presenters

I love this thing. It contains so much booze that it triggers the 'over 18?' alert on automated checkouts

If the Straits of Hormuz are still bollocksed in 3 weeks can we maybe have the Boat Race there?

Not satisfied with blowing up cars & spaceships this prick now wants to blow up my kettle, well it's not happening, you can keep your racist electrons www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home...

Greg Davies: well done the team of two, you got all your ships through the Straits of Hormuz Audience: [applause] Alex Horne: Well Greg let's have another look at the last ship [The ship is blown to pieces] Audience: [Oooooohhhh]

Can't figure out if this is good or bad news for Mariah Carey www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

They've got an A3 laminator for sale in the Post Office in Blackheath. Now I don't NEED one of these, but what a stationery boss weapon.

BBC 5Live there giving Omid Djalili a platform without questioning his batshit assertions about the bombed school.

Bertrand Russell could have seen the premier of Wagner's Ring Cycle and Carry On Camping

"I was weighed and they said Mr President, we've never found anyone less wanting"

Is he thinking of Mithridates the Great?

Best crossover ever but no-one ever talks about it smh

May have mis-heard but I swear a lady in Greenwich Park this morning had a miniature dachshund called He-Man.

I have watched this approximately 47 times and laughed out loud 47 times

All these police officers tried to arrest him at the same time & he still escaped. Slippery bastard.

Ohhhh so that explains the Christmas lights tweet, wow, had no idea.

"Whose y-fronts are these?" "It's a thong, baby." "Whose thong is this?" "It's the vicar's." "Who's the vicar?" "The vicar's stuck up a drainpipe baby. The vicar's stuck up a drainpipe."