"Pump action, my arse." www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

I bought my son some super-effective noise cancelling headphones at the weekend and fuck me it is like living with Madame Edith's mother

Maybe Dr Who can become an Avenger now? If he's not busy?

I hope Joe Root celebrates his return to the England captaincy by going out and getting absoluted cunted

Here we go, fucking jackpot, it's only a partially misassembled Bourbon. These are like that stamp with the thing printed upside down, worth a mint. Ate it now mind.

Can England's cricketers please stop feeding the bullshit narrative that the Ashes defeat was caused by beer?

🎵BBC, teaching through technology, English, maths and history, Mandarin and geography. But it's nothing without me, Lockdown schooling set me free, Click the link and feast your eyes, 'Cause I'm Mr. Bitesize🎵

Lovely Dean and lovely Torvill, Fly on ice unlike that Orville. Medal winning with Boleros, Smooth and icy like Soleros. Your outfit was a dream in purple. Fucking, fucking, fucking purple.

For one of the most expensive places on Earth Monte Carlo has some stupendously ugly buildings

At least England got a goal against New Zealand. Or possibly a wicket? Sad to see the whole starting XI got deported though #EngNZ

I accidentally tapped the Duolingo app and It Has Begun Again

The Stainless Steel Rat

This is the absolute story today (thread)...

"Shall we have clowns at the festival?" "Some children are scared of clowns, can we make sure it's not scary?" "Say no more"

TMS commentators are all 'ooh he's left three deliveries what's going on' well maybe you twats slagging any form of positive batting for the entire winter is going on #EnglandNZ

This is huge for south London @deserterblog.bsky.social like a royal warrant but not shit

Looking through paperwork following my mum's funeral & today I have found out my grandparents' names! Why these never cropped up before I don't know, maybe referring to elders by name was frowned upon? Not exactly filling an episode of Who Do You Think You Are but it's a start.

"IT ABSOLUTELY WILL STOP!!!"

British journalists using the word sophomore when referring the second thing someone has done, when we have never used in an educational context, and the word 'second' is right there.

I am quite enjoying The Boroughs except for the pronunciation of Boroughs which I think is going to be a problem

Please be the largest beard of bees

The thing with a hot tub puncture is, all the tips for finding & fixing it rely on the user not being stupid enough to put 900 litres of water into it beforehand.

If the security services are monitoring my Robert Dyas purchase history - and they should - they will be assembling a profile of an enthusiastic but inept kidnapper

The hot tub has a slow puncture. It is still usable but I feel beleagured floating in a sea of dead flies as my empire of wind slowly collapses

This film is ace

Southampton fans going wild after reaching the Championship playoff final

🎵The Hantabus is coming, And everybody's running, Canaries to the Wirral, Can catch it from a squirrel🎵

"oh you're home early"

Feet shoulder-width apart, bending at the knees & hips, maintaining a straight, neutral spine, & avoiding twisting: Egg Lord has sound lifting technique.

Yodel getting a parcel from Troy to Ithaca

Ryanair man saying people should lay off the booze before getting on one of his aeroplanes should maybe ponder why the prospect of a sober Ryanair experience is unappealing.

Tom Morello appears in Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Amongst Thieves. New fact learned.

Nuns on film: Evil: The Nun The Nun 2 Anything involving Irish unmarried mothers Blues Brothers Nice: Nuns On The Run (not real nuns) Cannonball Run 2 (not real nuns) Sister Act (not 100% real nuns) Neutral: Sound Of Music Conclusion: if you are in a film with a real nun they are probably evil

In hospital today there was a machine whose beep was exactly like the Marines' proximity detector in Aliens. Unsettling.

Dad of the year at Blackheath Standard crossing 3 busy roads with his Baby Bjorn & pushchair without taking his eyes off his phone once

Shame they deleted the episode of The Good Life where Barbara lures Jerry round with the promise of some action then Tom burns him in a wicker man to prevent Geraldine the goat from running off.

Happy May Day

Two geniuses on the train today discussing how 'they' ripped us off switching from 'proper' money to decimal currency. 240 >100 QED apparently.

Happy Grand Sabbat to all who celebrate. #G.O.A.T

The 2 CL semis

South East London people talking to the rest of London when there's a tube strike

Carry On Camping sequel happening in Cumbria www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home...

World's hardest game of Guess Who www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

"A complete set of cunts" is how you would advertise it on eBay

All kitchen gadgets must answer 2 questions: 1. How hard are you to clean? 2. How much space do you occupy when not in use? I got a 1 person filter coffee machine for £5 from a charity shop the other day & it breezes through both questions. God-tier gadget.