Absolute scenes: brother’s mother-in-law can’t find her hand of Fatima fly swatter.

Unbelievably, #DuvetKnowItsChristmas generates such good will on social media that over the years we've raised somewhere approaching a quarter of a million quid for homeless charities. If you can spare a bob or two, sling some to Centrepoint, and here's the link: www.gofundme.com/f/duvet-know...

Never underestimate the chaotic evil of a nana doing 68 in the fast lane of the M4 on Xmas eve eve.

I can’t believe it’s less than a week until Christmas and less than 48 hours before David Walliams gets baptised by Russell Brand and starts a conspiracy podcast.

It’s always the ones you most expect.

While the media runs about clutching its pearls about David Walliams, remember that every single person in the media has known for about a decade that he was dodgy and this was going to happen eventually, but kept interviewing him, profiling him, narrating him, inviting him on Blue Peter etc

Children's publishing right now

To everyone on Bluesky finding out about Walliams and despairing at the fact that "I read those books to my kids" I just want to reassure them that it's OK. He didn't write them.

Good Friday. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/12...

Every day I wake up and am astounded that the Nangerine is not only still president but that we haven’t yet had a year of him flinging his faeces around like a deranged baboon.

Poor unsuspecting beardy man in Apple: So what do you think about AI? Me: *rolls up sleeves*

Rob Reiner: I'm going to make a coming of age drama, a fantasy adventure story, a romantic comedy, a psychological horror and then a courtroom drama. Us: Across your entire career? Reiner: In a 6 year period. Us: That sounds- Reiner: -Each one will be arguably the best movie in that genre.

the good that you do persists in this world

It’s the annual festive West Wing rewatch, which brings renewed hope that hope will become normal again, however far we feel from it. This story gets me every time. ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.’ youtu.be/VM56KXM4y4c?...

Just saw a man walking down the London Road with a white rat on his shoulder and I am clearly living in a Muppet film.

DONT TRUST FISH!

Is there anything less evocative of trendy than the word ‘trendy’?

Crowdfunding idea: I crowdfund the extra deposit I need to buy a house. But the only people who contribute to the crowdfunding are the CEOs of my defunct ex-publishers. The target will be the exact sum of money my defunct ex-publishers still owe me for the seven books I wrote for them.

Leans heavy on the re-skeet,

So this happened. Again. Christmas Eve at 8.30. This time we were minus the mighty Lucy Beaumont so I got to captain against the National Treasure that is @frankcottrellboyce.bsky.social www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m...

I really don’t understand why we need an enquiry into the rise in diagnoses of autism, ADHD and anxiety. Isn’t it obvious? Better diagnosis, less stigma attached to a diagnosis, crossed with a world in which we can’t just pass anymore because Brexit, pandemic, stress at school / work.

All I want for Christmas is for the worst people in the world to experience some consequences

Jodi Picoult has said something lovely about After Darcy and this is a Very Good Thing in an otherwise meh week: 'If you ever wondered how the Bennets might fare in the 21st century, this is the novel for you. Part sequel, part reimagining, and wholly delightful.' Jodi Picoult

It is the law, after the third, bombastically loud sneeze, to yell, ‘Oh f*cking hell!’

"Imagine you stole all of the intellectual property in the world. And you're using it to help people write middling emails and make revenge porn about women, and also children. And you're powering this plagiarism and non-consensual porn machine by eating up what's left of humanity's carbon budget."

Sad about Mani. The Stone Roses has been the soundtrack of both my and my kid’s 20s.

At this point the challenge for Labour MPs is, I think, to stop getting cross at people calling out the government for being "racist" or "fascist' (it is certainly the former and it is behaving increasingly like the latter), and ask themselves what they, personally, are going to do about it.

If I hadn’t already left the party in protest at their attitudes on disability rights and trans rights, I would be doing it today. They’re pandering to the worst of the far right’s arguments. This is no longer the party I loved and served for 25 years.

Adulthood disappoints, an intermittent series: The Holiday Inn breakfast buffet. As a small child, this was more and more exciting food than I had seen in my entire life. As an adult, it just reeks of disappointment and bloating.

Today’s main life regret: that I wasn’t a member of B*Witched. These are the kind of dances I can actually manage

One of my very brilliant students described writing today as ‘like picking a scab’, and I was sad for him, until I remembered how many scabs I’ve picked over the years because it’s just too delicious not to.

No, really, I love the way my brain remembers my telephone number from 1987 and my dad’s car reg from 1977 but not the reason I walked into this room.

Oh fuck off

OK no more editing of Trump. Broadcast every stumble, every nonsensical ramble and brain fart. No more tidying him up or explaining him. Instead of commentary, just replace every reporter with this GIF every time he does anything:

This weekend’s cinema ratings (out of 5*) Frankenstein: * That’s going to be sitting on my ‘continue watching’ for years and my answer will always be, No, Netflix, I’d rather chew tinfoil.

TV Show Idea: NO GUTS NO GLORY Dave Guts had his guts removed in a horrible guts accident and it means Glory won't marry him, can he live long enough to replace his guts before Glory disappears into another dimension

Watching Frankenstein, am inclined to agree with daughter: ‘I just don’t really like the olden days.’

Book bloggers: After Darcy is now up on Netgalley… www.netgalley.co.uk/catalog/book...

Because I treated myself to a Bonne Maman advent calendar, I am now refusing to buy myself new jam and am thus in a self-imposed jam-lent hell.

Things I would abolish if I ruled the world #1 That bit on Pointless where they ask the contestants to tell us something about themselves. No one cares, Alexander. Get on with the game.

Niche MAFS skeet: Homestay is the most perilous week. What if you find out they have a corduroy sofa? Or a ‘Prosecco o’clock’ sign? Or keep their shoes on in the house? Or collect fridge magnets? Or don’t alphabetise their books? Or don’t own books?

What I especially love about the Carnegies is seeing so many small presses repped, with books the big five wouldn’t risk. Go @fireflypress.bsky.social and @foxandinkbooks.bsky.social as well as Everything with Words, Guppy, Old Barn Books @theemmapress.bsky.social @otterbarrybooks.bsky.social

Huge congratulations to our brilliant Editorial Board member, @joannanadin.bsky.social! We'll be keeping our fingers and toes crossed!

Sixth time a charm is… something they never say. But I am over the moon about this. Thank you to the librarians and readers who are championing Birdy, and to the inimitable @foxandinkbooks.bsky.social for their belief in me and all the Mannerings.

I shall be there listening and learning

Really tired of the AI-generated ‘let me market your book that I haven’t read or even checked if it’s in print and I can’t even spell my own name right’ emails. Oh, and the fake book clubs wanting to discuss your not-even-published-yet book next week. So tempted to channel Malcolm Tucker: FTFO

Where I grew up - Essex in the 70s - any woman over 20 was called ‘aunty’. The woman next door with the frond lamps and sweetie jar. The one with the bowl haircut who taught me recorder and whom I suspected of being a secret nun. The one opposite whom I suspected of being Judith Chalmers.

Reached that key moment of the Winter is Coming season: I don’t like any of my coats.

Baron Nathan, the celebrity dance teacher of the 1850s who danced the hornpipe blindfolded, surrounded by eggs. There's something SO malevolent about this image. It's powerfully frightening.