Peter Schmeichel's parents had the opportunity to give him the funniest name ever and they let us all down. It was an open goal, guys.

“i have to use AI because i’m bad at drawingggg 😭😭😭”

You never let me do anything, your honor

Peter Schmeichel's parents had the opportunity to give him the funniest name ever and they let us all down. It was an open goal, guys.

God: I’m gonna give them eyelashes to keep stuff from getting in their eyes Angel: great idea, where do the eyelashes go when they fall out? God: ok you’re gonna laugh

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club? DRACULA: Is it biting? ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting. RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

"Big Dog Theory" bout to be OED word of the year, he's got everyone saying it

doorknobs are WAY kinkier than normal handles. you wanna grip a knob in your hand while you give your house a purple nurple? certified freak shit.

At the train station and just seen someone hit the fattest dab anyone's done in nearly a decade. I just had to stand back in awe of the confidence.

yikes, unfollowing now. huge fan of his pathological hunger for lasagna; didn’t realize he’d kicked odie off the end of the table

“Wheeeen you’ve guns that go boom, Store them in a locked room, That’s armory…”

She sells sea shells Down by the sea shore She's cheer captain And I'm in the bleachers

"nice guys" 🤝 fuck the polite 🤝 dyslexic anarchists

It would be quite the twist for tonight's Celebrity Traitors

how i look when someone talks about their job and finances and all i can think about is how well i'd have done in the battered items task

I am once again asking for a drafts feature. My notes app overfloweth with bullshit.

I went to a facial anatomy museum that was shaped like a human face. The ticket desk was in the left nostril. I paid through the nose.

Post-Halloween tip: draw a line under the mouth of anything ghost-shaped and BOOM, now you got a Christmas polar bear

"My wife's got a part in that J B Priestly play" "Inspector Calls?" "No, contact lenses"

I bought one of those self-assembly bird tables a while back. The lazy bastards haven't even opened the box, all they've done is shit on it.

Strange to walk down the high street and see how hard the shops are leaning into the Halloween spirit. One was decorated with a silhouette of someone being murdered below the word HELP written in blood. Which is impressive, just not really the vibe I'm used to from a Specsavers.

🎵 Looking back on when we first met You asked me to join your illegal quartet Fights and violent crimes Do them all the time You can make me hooligan

Marconi all "Don't worry, this isn't my first radio"

Has anyone else seen that Just Eat ad on YouTube that references the Bald Nonce? I've only seen it once so I need to make sure I didn't dream it and that is, in fact, a thing they chose to do.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes have made me a laughing stock.

I got diagnosed with autism the same year Taskmaster started and I think it no coincidence

There's a song in my Spotify rotation I like that through happenstance I have only listened to while about to use the toilet and I worry I'm building up an unfortunate Pavlovian response

Watching every episode of Pertwee era Who, call that a Jon-athon

Andrew is a sort of non-prince now, a… well, I’m sure there’s some sort of portmanteau word that would describe him well.

My baby had a severe allergic reaction to playing peekaboo. I had to take her to the ICU.

That old trick of drinking lots of water before sleep in order to wake up on time always had a double-or-nothing air of risk to me. Either it works and you're on time, or you're late *and* you've pissed the bed.

Concerns have been growing for Eddie Albington, 45, ever since he was the only member of his crew not recovered within hours of the wreckage – but despite his family’s fears, Albington was reportedly “not just surviving, but thriving.”

ive crunched the numbers, and its not looking good. theyre pretty much ruined by all the crunching, i owe you new numbers

Despite the early hit singles, Paul Hardcastle's career has not been nearly as successful as that of his brother Paul Bouncycastle.

Heavens to Betsy Betsy to Heavens Heavens BACK to Betsy Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

The traitors will never kill Stephen Fry. No one could. They'd have to get Derren Brown to hypnotise them into it again.

Woe to the Jehovah’s Witness who knocked on my door while Taskmaster is airing

Hi three, There

The slow, dramatic covers they use in The Traitors are getting ridiculous. They're gonna do Espresso next episode, I'm calling it.

I think if you order something same-day delivery and it doesn't arrive same day, you should get a refund, another order free, and the driver should legally have to move in and be your friend and play all your board games with you for a month. You know. As an apology.

They were really lucky (when naming asbestosis) that asbestos already sounded like a disease. Because expandifoamosis and polyfilleritis really doesn’t pack the same amount of punch.

I am currently watching Trainspotting on the new digital channel, U&McGregor.

Only Connect. Only Connect helps.

things aren't going too well lads 🥲

Afantasia is when you can't picture Mickey Mouse dressed as a wizard.

I only recently clocked that it is, in fact, a Deliveroo ad. That's how desperately I'm trying to tune it out. For my own sanity.

STATLER; "This funeral is so boring, I'm jealous of the guy in the coffin! Ah ha ha ha ha!" [Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]

How many back and forth emails do I need to exchange before I can stop adding formalities at the beginning and end? I’ve now told you my name six times in the space of two minutes. I personally think it’d be more efficient if Sandra from Student Finance England just slid into my dms.

Okay now come on