Fred’s shameless campaign for the Nobel Peace prize ends in disappointment after he’s disqualified for excessive barking.

This is nothing more than a continuation of the president’s desperate weaponization of our justice system. I am not fearful — I am fearless. We will fight these baseless charges aggressively, and my office will continue to fiercely protect New Yorkers and their rights..

Industrial Revolution Provides Millions Of Out-Of-Work Children With Jobs https://theonion.com/industrial-revolution-provides-millions-of-out-of-work-1819571223/

1. If Trump pardons Maxwell it makes him look guilty. 2. If he doesn’t pardon her she’ll squeal on him and his buddies. 3. If she has an “oopsie” and dies in jail the finger points at him. He’s screwed in any event.

Trump can’t shut up about fentanyl. I just assumed by now they were putting it in our bread and cereal so no one would be deficient.

My working theory is that Americans are in a foul mood bc they’re all constipated from this obsession with eating vast amounts of protein.

ALL ENLISTED MEN WILL NOW BE REQUIRED TO GROW A THICK, LUXURIOUS HEAD OF HAIR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Didn’t get raptured bc my carry-on bag was too big.

Who else is wearing sequins to the rapture tomorrow?

"If the United States could only see what the United States is doing to the United States, the United States would invade the United States to save the United States from the tyranny of the United States" ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵃⁿ ᵘⁿᶜʳᵉᵈⁱᵗᵉᵈ ᵐᵉᵐᵉ

You gotta be kinkier than a cheap garden hose to be banging chicks with no arms.

EMPLOYEE UPDATE: Dennis got real fucked up on spray paint today and had another seizure back by the dumpster. In honor of Labor Day, we put up some cones back there with a sign that said THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION. Everyone liked that. Go back to work and enjoy arbys.

remember folks, we cant have gun restrictions because if we do the federal government will occupy our streets, imprison people without due process, ship dissidents to foreign gulags and things of that nature

If anyone needs me today sorry, I’m busy stopping all the pre-wars whatever the eff that is.

A jury of her peers!

OMG Trump administration just released information that MLK Jr. is still dead!

No. I will not “wait for it”. I have things to do.

Let's make that a shareable meme!

Fred isn’t leaving his hut and who can blame him?

Midnight Hammer sounds like a virility supplement to take at bedtime.

Nothing says Pride Month like a Musk/Trump cock fight.

Does anyone know if a politician has ever tried to pacify the teeming masses with promises of a glorious afterlife? Is Joni the first?

If conservatives can’t drink from a glass without using a plastic straw why don’t they just drink from a sippy cup?

Greetings from scenic Medina Ohio.

The beatings will continue until morale improves!

A lot of people noticed the Hands Off protests were mostly white women—and peaceful. Isn’t it interesting how protests are peaceful when there aren’t a bunch of cops in riot gear… or white supremacist militia groups lurking around? Listen to this…

Medina, Ohio.

WATCH: Cory Booker breaks down Elon and Trump's plan to dismantle Social Security.

Does a know when the Kristi Noem limited edition Slave Massa’ Barbie goes on sale? Looking for the horse and bullwhip accessory also.

MAGA: "Vaccinating my child is against my deeply held religious beliefs." ME: "Oh, honey . . . if you had any deeply held religious beliefs, you never would have voted for an adulterous, lying rapist."

Elon Musk is the biggest welfare queen of all time.

Don't tell me that the billionaires running the country don't have my interests at heart. You don't know my interests. What if my interests are to eat shit and die

If we have to live in an Oligarchy can we skip ahead to the fun part where guys start “falling” out windows bc they didn’t kick back enough $ to the boss?

Just a reminder in case anyone forgot:

Do not obey in advance. PASS IT ON.

I feel like Amy Klobuchar could have won 2020 if her eyebrows hadn’t veered so wildly off-course.