Since a jury this week correctly determined that distributing sandwiches is not a crime, federal agents are now advised that we will be delivering their orders "in a kinetically enhanced fashion" at all our locations. Please continue to eat my ass.

Lost your job to the AI revolution? Well, chin up, because you can still do something no clanker will ever be able to do - turn a roast beef sandwich into a hot, greasy dump. Please continue to enjoy arbys

I never thought living in a rapidly deteriorating societal death spiral would be this fucking stupid. Eat whatever

When you get to a certain age, you look at your life and think "damn, maybe I can still be as cool as the FHRITP guy if I just put in a little effort." Please EARITP

The best thing about Sundays is watching young millionaires give each other pointless brain damage so idiots at a bar with $12 in the bank can hate each other because of it. Go arbys, beat wendys. Or whatever.

Inside you, there are two wolves. Outside of you, there are like millions of wolves. Good luck with those odds. Eat arbys

Who wants merch? I think we can do some merch. Proceeds to go toward....I dunno, lemme know.

Stop in to any of our Portland locations and try our (hopefully) limited time only, all-new Throwing Soup specials! Thanks for supporting Arbyfa

Well whaddya know....the stupidest people alive are obviously all still here. Please continue to enjoy arbys until the next time this happens

If you really related to Charles Bukowski when you were 20 and wondered what that meant, your late 40's in a dystopia are going to be a fucking ride. Please enjoy arbys and almost nothing else

Loaded Italian sub is back! Stop in and assassinate your hunger with some bella chow. Eat arbys 👉👈 OwO

Today's post has been cancelled because there's nothing really interesting or notable going on. Nice day for some arbys tho

Being a nihilist sandwich account has been a dark, fun, cheeky way to exist on the internet. Actual 2025 America has now exhausted our supply of fun & cheek. Due to these supply chain challenges, we apologize for any tonal shift in our content. Thanks for eating arbys and burning our gov't to a

EMPLOYEE UPDATE: Dennis got real fucked up on spray paint today and had another seizure back by the dumpster. In honor of Labor Day, we put up some cones back there with a sign that said THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION. Everyone liked that. Go back to work and enjoy arbys.

Roast beef sandwich: temporarily warm, dead inside, gets chewed up and turned into shit. You: same, but you think you matter. Please enjoy arbys

Feeling down, drinking alone in ur living room? Drink alone at a bar instead, surrounded by ppl having a better time than you. Sure it’s 2x as expensive, but at least you might die on your way home. Swerve into arbys right before you find the bridge abutment you were meant to splatter against.

We streamlined our logo to get rid of the busy graphic elements, and we’re confident this will make everyone happy. Please continue to enjoy arbys

Striving for excellence and a lasting legacy? At one point, the best dinosaur to ever live walked the earth. Literally the single strongest, smartest, most genetically significant one ever. (Steve) One of his atoms burned in your engine today and another is in your dildo. Fuck legacy, eat arbys

Our new MTGyro sandwich might cause a bit of a flap, but it’s not pussy-footing around. Our baddest-built butchers stuffed more roast beef into this bitch than you even want to think about! The MTGyro - standing 6 toes on business. Stuff a few into your pockets today! Please enjoy arbys

Sandwich-based assault on our brave troops? Please note that we do not endorse or condone using our new Beef ‘n’ Four Padlocks in a Gym Sock sandwich in any such lawlessness.

Misanthropy seems like a pretty inescapable state of being when you consider how fucking awful people are. Fuck you, eat arbys

If you’re keeping the blood pumping inside your wrists solely to be here for the day that someone else’s won’t be doing that in theirs - that’s an acceptable reason to keep waking up in this shit-stained nightmare. Hey, enjoy arbys.

People are literally starving to death in a violent hellscape. And we apologize for our temporary fryer malfunction causing this situation. Those responsible for the “SHIDDING AND CUMBING IN AN ARBYS FRIER” video that caused this will be disciplined egregiously. Thx for not dying inside Arbys

Congrats, you spent a lifetime perfecting your skill, shaping a genre, becoming famous and admired. Then the universe decides you’re gonna die the same day as a famous sweaty assclown, and there goes your media coverage. Eat arbys and control your own destiny

Life in a dying empire on a burning world is bleak - live your worst life, because doing anything else is just as meaningless. Spend all day blasting ropes to Labubu hentai, eat Taki’s until your asshole bleeds. In 50 years, no one will care if you did that or saved a whale. Enjoy arbys

We value your privacy. You and your side piece can literally eat ass on top of the condiment station, we don’t care. Yes, you will be on camera, but that footage is strictly controlled and used for internal purposes only. Thanks for choosing arbys

Give people plausible deniability. Get a Costco membership and buy stuff in bulk. “We had no idea he would do this, he had 6 months worth of toilet paper and black olives in his apartment.” Enjoy arbys

Take an active role and have “the talk” with your kids: we don’t need any more kids growing up not knowing that it’s “across for attention, up and down for results”. Enjoy arbys.

For the holiday, hope everyone had a great time watching things explode into smoldering debris as darkness fell. Please eat arbys

What sucks about the world? It costs a lot of money to enjoy or even endure it successfully. But cheap substances exist, & if u just tweak ur definition of “enduring the world successfully” to include “being unconscious for most of it” things are really tolerable some of the time. Eat arbys

If you’re teetering on the edge of despair and wondering if anyone ever coined a word to describe that feeling of being utterly depressed and defeated by the world, the Germans naturally have your back: Weltschmerz. Danke für enjoying arbys.

This shit is too bleak for words. arbys

As you might be aware, artificial dyes are being phased out. As we try to find a substitute for artificial brown, please bear with us - if you notice any natural translucence, iridescence or ultraviolet fluorescence of our meats, it’s fine and natural. Thanks for enjoying arbys

If the bright light happens, the best place to be is, of course, zooted out of your damned mind. But bonus points if you can make a cool permashadow.

There is a pile of bricks that showed up out by our dumpster. Those are not for you. Do not touch those. Please enjoy arbys carefully.

Enact vengeance on your hunger and absolutely demolish a beef n cheddar. Today only, drive-thru orders will be 25% off at our Granby, CO location. Eat arbys

Fuck everything because it’s stupid. (rainbow) Please enjoy arbys in whatever hole you like.

Honestly gonna be disappointed if we get wiped out and it’s not our fault. Harambe deserves justice. Eat arbys #meatsoutforharambe nypost.com/2025/05/28/s...

As we butcher sentient beings to serve up in bags at the drive-thru altar of capitalism, let’s take a minute to thank fuck we don’t do anything like that to young poor people. Always remember to eat arbys.

Everything is absurd nonsense that means nothing. That’s what we survive and call “living”. But if you live where people work toward making that absurd nonsense actively evil for everyone else, it’s fine to fantasize about putting those people into a woodchipper. Thanks for enjoying arbys

Sorry about your potato cakes. Eat arbys and also my entire ass. www.reuters.com/world/us/us-...

If you use your last $7 to buy your mom some stupid card for Mother’s Day, then she’ll just have two useless pieces of trash to feel guilty about tossing aside. Thank you for enjoying arbys

*white cloud of meth smoke* Habemus nihi. Placet frui arbys.

Being a sack of decaying meat with fading memories. Breathing a diminishing series of borrowed breaths from the time you come out screaming until you eventually die choking on hospital soup. Everything is for a limited time. Including our new Steak Nuggets. Enjoy arbys for a limited time

Will we raise prices due to the tariffs? Our food is domestically assembled, but some of our meat-based fluids and slurries do rely on Chinese precursor chemicals. We’re committed to offset the added cost by eliminating costly cleaning supplies in our kitchens and restrooms. Please eat arbys

Of all the conditions you have, why is depression the only one that is “clinical”? Make your own rules - fancy that shit up and call it “clinical chlamydia”. “What’s wrong with your ass?” “Oh that’s just my clinical prolapse.” Enjoy arbys

Our new Kanye Kidz’ meal fish sticks sandwich just dropped! Bring the kids and all their cousins and suck one down today. (Kids 14 and under only) Please enjoy arbys

This Easter, be original. Take arbys. Eat arbys. This is my body.

Hello, feds. Eat me.

Mel Brooks said “Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” Can someone ask whoever is watching us all flail around in this open sewer, when we can do the funny part? Thank you for enjoying arbys