If you roll your eyes when a billionaire CEO does an unintended public humiliation ritual, but then cheer when other billionaire CEOs uncreatively compete to outdo him to sell you things, you're probably also entertained by watching someone jingle keys in front of you. Please eat arbys products

Our marketing people suggested we do something to encourage customers to trust us so we blew up an elementary school full of children. Please enjoy arbys

You'll probably die of a disease that could be cured or prevented by an absolutely stupid amount of money you don't have. Many corporations each spent 10 or 100 times that to make 30-second displays of flickering lights to sell you garbage during a football game. Please eat arbys for some reason

Shoot drugs directly into your dick vein. Who cares? Your government might murder you tomorrow, might as well. Thanks for enjoying arbys

It's cold as shit outside. If unauthorized civilians keep opening up the fire hydrant out front and causing a huge disruptive frozen mess all over the street, I swear to god I'll cum.

Hope you like your drinks room temperature because we are fucking DONE with ice. Please enjoy arbys

That Wendy's across the street looked pretty sus. We rocked up to that dirty terrorist beef store and sent their fenty-ass manager to jail in our gross beef jail. Fuck yeah, bro. We rule that Wendy's now. Eat arbys because we are super good at being in charge of all the beef yo.

The inexorable arrow of time plows forward toward your obliteration. Assigning an arbitrary cyclical period and attaching a cultural expectation that we feel some sort of optimism and hope for renewal is some real baby-brain shit. Eat arbys for yet another rotation around a nuclear maelstrom.

Spoiler alert: that baby dies. Eat arbys festively.

Ancient people celebrated the darkest, shortest day of the year and so should you because fuck being awake. Please enjoy arbys.

Thanks for playing along in thinking we could make this garbage existence darkly tolerable. It's been real.

No matter where you are, you're at most only about 4 miles from certain death - a distance you could easily walk in the first half of a football game. Gravity is the only thing holding us back. The stars taunt us for our inability to reach the oblivion that is the entire universe. Eat arbys

Since everyone liked that passed-out drunk bathroom raccoon so much, why not go viral by OD'ing on fent and showing hole on our new bathroom cam? Please continue to enjoy arbys

Almighty Nothing, Thank you for this bounty of whatever our economic overlords have seen fit to place upon our table or center console or whatever today. We are grateful that each mouthful has brought shareholder value to someone, and look forward to shitting it into the void. Eat arbys, amen.

🎤MIC DROP!🎤 Give thanks this week only with our new limited-time Roast Tirkey sandwich, noticeably bulging and absolutely bursting with cranberry sauce from a precision-placed hole in each bloated chunk of white meat. Thanks for eating arbys

🦃TURKEY TIP🦃‼️ Have a large frozen turkey? Get it in the fridge to thaw tonight. But don't even THINK about thrusting into that turkussy neck hole until at least Tuesday because the ice in there will fuck you up worse than the ice you lifted off that unconscious hooker in Muncie. Eat arbys.

Today is just like yesterday, except now your daily bullshit happens in a world in which several U.S. Presidents have apparently excanged fluids. Thanks for enjoying [violent retching]

Since a jury this week correctly determined that distributing sandwiches is not a crime, federal agents are now advised that we will be delivering their orders "in a kinetically enhanced fashion" at all our locations. Please continue to eat my ass.

Lost your job to the AI revolution? Well, chin up, because you can still do something no clanker will ever be able to do - turn a roast beef sandwich into a hot, greasy dump. Please continue to enjoy arbys

I never thought living in a rapidly deteriorating societal death spiral would be this fucking stupid. Eat whatever

When you get to a certain age, you look at your life and think "damn, maybe I can still be as cool as the FHRITP guy if I just put in a little effort." Please EARITP

The best thing about Sundays is watching young millionaires give each other pointless brain damage so idiots at a bar with $12 in the bank can hate each other because of it. Go arbys, beat wendys. Or whatever.

Inside you, there are two wolves. Outside of you, there are like millions of wolves. Good luck with those odds. Eat arbys

Who wants merch? I think we can do some merch. Proceeds to go toward....I dunno, lemme know.

Stop in to any of our Portland locations and try our (hopefully) limited time only, all-new Throwing Soup specials! Thanks for supporting Arbyfa

Well whaddya know....the stupidest people alive are obviously all still here. Please continue to enjoy arbys until the next time this happens

If you really related to Charles Bukowski when you were 20 and wondered what that meant, your late 40's in a dystopia are going to be a fucking ride. Please enjoy arbys and almost nothing else

Loaded Italian sub is back! Stop in and assassinate your hunger with some bella chow. Eat arbys 👉👈 OwO

Today's post has been cancelled because there's nothing really interesting or notable going on. Nice day for some arbys tho

Being a nihilist sandwich account has been a dark, fun, cheeky way to exist on the internet. Actual 2025 America has now exhausted our supply of fun & cheek. Due to these supply chain challenges, we apologize for any tonal shift in our content. Thanks for eating arbys and burning our gov't to a

EMPLOYEE UPDATE: Dennis got real fucked up on spray paint today and had another seizure back by the dumpster. In honor of Labor Day, we put up some cones back there with a sign that said THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION. Everyone liked that. Go back to work and enjoy arbys.

Roast beef sandwich: temporarily warm, dead inside, gets chewed up and turned into shit. You: same, but you think you matter. Please enjoy arbys

Feeling down, drinking alone in ur living room? Drink alone at a bar instead, surrounded by ppl having a better time than you. Sure it’s 2x as expensive, but at least you might die on your way home. Swerve into arbys right before you find the bridge abutment you were meant to splatter against.

We streamlined our logo to get rid of the busy graphic elements, and we’re confident this will make everyone happy. Please continue to enjoy arbys

Striving for excellence and a lasting legacy? At one point, the best dinosaur to ever live walked the earth. Literally the single strongest, smartest, most genetically significant one ever. (Steve) One of his atoms burned in your engine today and another is in your dildo. Fuck legacy, eat arbys

Our new MTGyro sandwich might cause a bit of a flap, but it’s not pussy-footing around. Our baddest-built butchers stuffed more roast beef into this bitch than you even want to think about! The MTGyro - standing 6 toes on business. Stuff a few into your pockets today! Please enjoy arbys

Sandwich-based assault on our brave troops? Please note that we do not endorse or condone using our new Beef ‘n’ Four Padlocks in a Gym Sock sandwich in any such lawlessness.

Misanthropy seems like a pretty inescapable state of being when you consider how fucking awful people are. Fuck you, eat arbys

If you’re keeping the blood pumping inside your wrists solely to be here for the day that someone else’s won’t be doing that in theirs - that’s an acceptable reason to keep waking up in this shit-stained nightmare. Hey, enjoy arbys.

People are literally starving to death in a violent hellscape. And we apologize for our temporary fryer malfunction causing this situation. Those responsible for the “SHIDDING AND CUMBING IN AN ARBYS FRIER” video that caused this will be disciplined egregiously. Thx for not dying inside Arbys

Congrats, you spent a lifetime perfecting your skill, shaping a genre, becoming famous and admired. Then the universe decides you’re gonna die the same day as a famous sweaty assclown, and there goes your media coverage. Eat arbys and control your own destiny

Life in a dying empire on a burning world is bleak - live your worst life, because doing anything else is just as meaningless. Spend all day blasting ropes to Labubu hentai, eat Taki’s until your asshole bleeds. In 50 years, no one will care if you did that or saved a whale. Enjoy arbys

We value your privacy. You and your side piece can literally eat ass on top of the condiment station, we don’t care. Yes, you will be on camera, but that footage is strictly controlled and used for internal purposes only. Thanks for choosing arbys

Give people plausible deniability. Get a Costco membership and buy stuff in bulk. “We had no idea he would do this, he had 6 months worth of toilet paper and black olives in his apartment.” Enjoy arbys

Take an active role and have “the talk” with your kids: we don’t need any more kids growing up not knowing that it’s “across for attention, up and down for results”. Enjoy arbys.

For the holiday, hope everyone had a great time watching things explode into smoldering debris as darkness fell. Please eat arbys

What sucks about the world? It costs a lot of money to enjoy or even endure it successfully. But cheap substances exist, & if u just tweak ur definition of “enduring the world successfully” to include “being unconscious for most of it” things are really tolerable some of the time. Eat arbys

If you’re teetering on the edge of despair and wondering if anyone ever coined a word to describe that feeling of being utterly depressed and defeated by the world, the Germans naturally have your back: Weltschmerz. Danke für enjoying arbys.

This shit is too bleak for words. arbys

As you might be aware, artificial dyes are being phased out. As we try to find a substitute for artificial brown, please bear with us - if you notice any natural translucence, iridescence or ultraviolet fluorescence of our meats, it’s fine and natural. Thanks for enjoying arbys