"The cat scratched my groin when he saw that woman from Strictly" "Claudia Winkleman?" "No, man, but it was close"

We are phasing out the terms “extant” and “extinct” from our exhibits and will now refer to species as either “Darwinners" or “Darlosers.”

Jennifer knows a fair bit of the real truth behind so much American trash media nonsense. I believe what she says over US media giants any day of the week, and twice on Sunday. And she is very funny as well.

"This one time, at band camp, I stuck Bill Clinton's cigar in my throat pussy."

Hello. I would like to apply for the position of person who counts "your mom" replies every time the US D'oHS post anything.

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

The BBC: Would you like your billion posted through your neck vagina?

Trump is a racketeer who is attempting to extort money from the BBC. He should've been incarcerated years ago.

You lucky, lucky people. You have the option to see this. I live in such a remote place, I won't get a chance to see it 'til 2073. But the local shop does do own brand cornettos. So I'll just go that instead. Want one?

Important time. This was a few weeks after the Skripal attack when May called out Putin, and Johnson went scuttling off without his security detail to meet Putin confidante* Alexander Lebedev in Umbria and plotted with Temerko to topple May * by then he was aiding Putin’s puppet regime in Crimea

AMERICA: Clear out the prisons. We got some real criminals need banging up.

I do honestly try to get more excited about the right hand side of my thorax, but my heart's not in it

The remake of The Abyss is looking fantastic. *sound up* "Mine can do that." "Yes, but yours doesn't eat my nuts."

The bloody neighbours have gone out and left John Cage’s 4’33 on full blast again.

Paging @adrianedmondson.bsky.social

Typical Friday night. Ate three bottles of Flintstones vitamins and tried to power my car with my feet

People say Barbie is an unrealistic role model, but what about Mr. Potato Head? I’ve never seen a guy who looks likes that

If you gave an AI monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, they would eventually plagiarize Shakespeare

Yeah, we haven’t posted anything in a day. How’s this one? Pretty great, right?

At the bar. Early. Quite empty. Anne Robinson walks in. Greets her friend near me. ANNE: Do you like my new hairstyle? FRIEND: Yes, it's lovely. ANNE: [turns to barman] What do you think? BARMAN: Very nice. ANNE: [turns to me] before she speaks, I slap my hand down on the bar and shout BANK!

What a great line: "Now if you could just try and deserve her."

Shit me. Glenn Moore just scored 81 points in Street Scrabble. Street Scrabble - 'It depends where you put it'

Ooh, what's that lovely smell? - Trumpbaste.

If the UK is on the brink of civil war, as Musk claims, it follows that in 300 years time there will be be a new generation of civil war re-enactment societies. "Geoff,you defend Laurence Fox. Can you guys shout outside a hostel. Brian, i need you to relentlessly slag off Nish Kumar on Facebook."

Next a real glamour job. Which one of you wants to be in charge of of checking that the word "comedian" has inverted commas.

Now im going to divide you into two groups. "Far right activists" and "Government" The second group - if youre not sure what you do, just copy the first group as best you can, and hope nobody will notice.

THE BBC: We'll see your billion, and raise you a trillion.

What year?

GRANDSON: Granny, what did you do in the war? GRANNY: I noshed off the butcher for an extra ounce of tripe. You never hear those stories, do you?

Release the flies!

The binmen round here are always very smartly dressed. All of them in their lovely matching wastecoats.

Tanita Tikaram, LIAR: ☀️What an amazing night 🙌🏼☀️🎶 Thank you arranger Guy Barker 🙏🏼 & London Jazz Festival for inviting me to ‘Jazz Voice‘ gala RFH @southbankcentre.bsky.social. Amazing artists & orchestra ❤️ Back at Royal Festival Hall tonight for my show with my fab band 🙌🏼☀️❤️ LIAR: Love Isn't A Right

Naughty, bad BBC, removing multiple levels of security in Washington DC that day and leaving the Capitol almost unprotected.

Okay, okay, I'm biased. I already really liked upland forests.

If Russia isn't careful, the UN might escalate this to a heavy leaflet campaign.

Remind me again. Does the US Department of Justice say what SpaceX must do? Or does SpaceX run the US Department of Injustice?

If you didn't catch it, Luke Harding met with President Zelenskyy in Kyiv last week, and the lights went out. Mr Harding reporting from Ukraine will never keep the rest of us in the dark.

*old person voice* Ooh, isn't nice, though? Lovely that American paedophiles and eastern European businessmen got the patriotic Brexit they wanted and took back control of our British borders. Now where did I leave my glasses? That lovely Nigel is on GB News in a moment. He's a very nice young man.

So here’s Bannon celebrating Theresa May’s ouster with George Galloway in 2019, and Farage thanking Bannon and Breitbart for making Brexit happen

More corrupt self-dealing at the expense of immigrants. Disgusting.

Automatically and wrongly labelling people illegal and then stealing their jewellery? Who the real criminals are in this scenario is so very very clear.

Alan Rusbridger would make a tremendous Beeb Director General himself, but now a journalist at The Nerve has tripped and fumbled his own hat into the ring, I just can't look past the rhyme. Stewart Lee top DG of da BBC hee hee hee What do you think, Mr Rusbridger? Is Stewart Lee DG material?

Well, we've had just the loveliest day with lots of new friends, some exciting future plans and just people being brilliant. Here's one of our old faves as a treat. Have a lovely Friday night you lot, and thanks for being ace :)

Happy Halloween (Orthodox)

⚠️ BREAKING: BBC In Crisis - New Director General Picks Leaked. 🙏🏻 PLEASE like, share and kiss this latest #BrokenNews report. youtu.be/P8kl2ETzH7k?...

What's pink and hard? This. I will never ever ever get to say those words again.

Fed up with the John Lewis's website talking to me as if I'm a naughty dog.

Remember when the Republican caucus's motto was, "If Bill Clinton got a blowjob, you must impeach?" Where's that energy now?