Dr Pepper was invented as a low-cost rat poison

#IfIWereToLiveInBikiniBottom I'd still post jokes whatever the shape of my pants

Only said yesterday there should be competitive side-by-side deep snowy path shovelling. I'd watch 'em going at it. What? Only me? I'd fancy Canada for it, though.

haha made me think of this: Cop: The sign says 55 miles per hour Steven Wright: I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long

Steins, New Mexico

Being an adult is cool because you’re exhausted all the time but you also get the satisfaction of not really accomplishing anything

There is no greater symbol of class struggle than a beer adjacent otter with a monocle.

My twin brother called me from prison.. He said, “You know that thing where we finish each other’s sentences?”.

I spoke with Bill Withers a few years back🙄 and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.. He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

Yesh, thish ish me. Even when I'm <... bloik ... > shober.

Read thousands of definitions in the 700-page Roger’s Profanisaurus: Turtleshead Revisited — Viz’s biggest ever encyclopaedia of bad language (and a great table-leveller). A perfect gift for yourself or someone you vaguely like. Get it here: https://bit.ly/4pcoTaU #viz #comedy #rude #swear

I am so goddamn proud of her.

The Bedford, proper boyhood boozer in 70’s, home of Banana Cabaret 1 of my first gigs + still 1 of best clubs in UK. Filmed Comedy Product there. Dave always takes a phoot of the acts, this time we dragged him in. Enjoy retirement Dave. Salut. And love to my comrade @imranyusufcomedy.bsky.social

Hand, eye, fish, fish.

No, I call it the panter exhibit because I have a silly accent.

American culture?? oh you mean yellow cheese singles

as an older person (+50) who’s never used ai, here are things i recommend about life: - do DIY (the biggest is learn to cook but any other work you can do for yourself, learn it and do it) - observe nature (all the animals around us have already figured life out) - talk to people in real life

glasses with little cameras in them are not wearable tech they're pervert glasses

Wow. A whole year since @carolecadwalla.bsky.social called it what it was: a coup. Most news media frowned, and chose a path of coup complicity. Still in denial today, capitulated press shrug, murmur no one could have done anything, and remain complicit. broligarchy.substack.com/p/the-us-cou...

Mock the Week 15 minute warning, for those who partake. 9pm on TLC - available on Freeview. Shown again at 10pm on a completely different channel called TLC+1.

Nice tray work. But where's the tea? British Gold. Again. Matt Weston has done it again, almost impossibly in the Mixed Skeleton with Tabby Stoecker. What a run.

This is such good news (assuming it happens). Despite its many failings, this government is achieving some really important changes that - like this - would never happen under Tories giftarticle.ft.com/giftarticle/...

I’m known as the sex bomb because I’ve got a two inch fuse and explode very quickly.

Season 13 premieres tonight at 11:20pm on HBO Max! That’s right, Valentine’s Day is OVER. Now it’s time to buckle down, turn on your TV, and relive the past three months of current events with us like an ADULT!

I thought "colonisation" was a niche form of irrigation.

Having seen every Red Dwarf that's ever been aired ever, this Holly crossover lifts it somewhat. Moon rise?

Edge - Jeffrey Epstein's favourite intellectual salon - was sold to me as a gathering of the world's finest minds. The files reveal it was something far darker Extraordinary read by @virginiaheffernan.bsky.social for the Nerve on Epstein, academia and eugenics www.thenerve.news/p/epstein-bi...

Mixed Team Snowboard Cross? Not cross at all. Gold for Britain in my favourite Winter Olympic sport.

*drowning in a flood because an explosion on the moon has obliterated 10 miles of coastline*: I bet Deutsche Bank feels real silly now.

Prescriptive, step by step and very easy to follow, with tiered groups of what you can unsubscribe from and boycott to drive maximum impact. “In sum, the shortest path to change without hurting consumers is an economic strike targeted at the companies driving the markets and enabling our president.”

#OutOfContextPostOfTheDay I don't usually like self-promotion, but I hope you'll give me a pass for this one.

Sod's Law is the only law I obey.

commamonger 😷 @commamonger.bsky.social: They'd have made Mop and Beckett though. ‪Mark Watson‬: STOP IT ALL OF YOU

No Stairway? Denied. Liebherr be thy name.

"I want your clothes, your boots, and your incredibly strong ale."

jim ratcliffe: [seeing man utd experiencing hope and optimism for the first time in 13 years] well.. better tell everyone i'm racist

Chat, is this real? (But I'm asking a French cat and it pretends not to understand with Gallic insouciance.)

"So many powerful men involved in this case, how many have been arrested?" - "One woman arrested, yes."

White wine is white. Red wine is red. Valentine's Day is stupid. Let's get shit faced instead.

Carole: "This isn't something distant or far away. Super-agent & close Epstein ally, John Brockman had huge influence. His 'rockstar' writers, scientists and academics dominated our book pages & broadsheets. We need nothing less than a total revisionist history of the last 20 years. 2/"

This isn't something distant or far away. Super-agent & close Epstein ally, John Brockman had huge influence. His 'rockstar' writers, scientists and academics dominated our book pages & broadsheets. We need nothing less than a total revisionist history of the last 20 years. 2/

"In Britain as a whole, you are never more than six feet from a rat. In Westminster, you are either right next to a rat or, as is more likely, you are actually a rat and haven’t realised." www.thenerve.news/p/stewart-le... 👇

Here's my video from frozen Kyiv. Temperatures in Ukraine have risen - it's -1C today, with a lot of slush! - but are forecast to drop again this week. Air raid sirens and Russian attacks continue. The Kremlin had targeted *every* power plant, with most hit many times www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxIT...

#IWantToEscapeTo a place of humour

Swans mate for life. That's why they form these "V's" for vendetta.

Love is the greatest gamble of all. Place your bets at River Side Casino.

*commentating the winter olympic ice skating final* it’s so cold in there that the ground has literally frozen. I don’t think a human can survive these conditions

It's so important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time. These two put the 'bone' in Zamboni. — Sports Anchor, Blades of Glory

Plonking a favourite from a tremendous day of laughs up top. Have a cracking night.

CHINA: We created a fleet of airborne wind capturing machines that will produce more electricity than we can ever use. AMERICA: We have coal!