friend of mine just had a baby ~6 weeks preterm and hearing about it is bringing back a wave of memories from B's NICU months. it was a stressful, intense, uncertain time generally, so it's surprising that the individual moments i'm remembering 2 years later are full of joy, hope, and gratitude

hand foot and mouth is the keyser soze of childhood maladies. oh it's just a harmless lil ole minor cold, no big deal...until it walks away at the very end, revealing its true and diabolical identity (this post courtesy of the four non-contiguous hours of sleep i managed to get last night)

Also generally speaking I consider all ai use to be scabbing which is Not For Us! We don't do that!

we gotta retire the borat "my wife" and replace it with the laszlo cravensworth "my good lady wife." i'm sorry. it's time.

there is a LOT going on here but lord have mercy if you don’t get the fuck out of my good jewish face with ‘judaism is both a religious and a national identity’

men will be all what we NEED is a WARRIOR culture & then be too timid to take a shit in a restaurant bathroom after brunch

i sincerely apologize to all of the people to whom i have recently evangelized about my dried-bean-of-the-month club membership. i'm not saying i was wrong to do it, i'm just saying that i apologize for making you feel bad that you don't get a box of beans mailed to you every fiscal quarter.

i wouldn't vote for newsom if he were running against a clogged toilet

do you think willy nilly's full name is william nilliam or wilfred nilfred

strive to be one of these cats every day (today i am top right, wearing a sentient barrister's wig and howling)

i love my swedish sisters-in-law mostly because they are genuinely lovely and kind and interesting and brilliant, but also because they consistently mispronounce "crocheting" as "crotching" and it cracks me up every single time

[me, to the bankruptcy judge] I dunno, Your Honor, everything was going fine and then I took up crochet during a period of intense stress and I guess things just sort of spiraled from there

Fuck Off Friday is in full effect

i have so much on my plate, i don't even know where to start, so now seems like the perfect time to get really into learning how to crochet

wishing nothing but misery to the assholes on the next block who have been preparing for the 4th by setting off what sounds like Scorpion missiles at random times every day for the last two weeks

need a designated bra for cooking with aromatic spices

His internal hideousness aside, Marco Rubio looks so UNBELIEVABLY bad lately. If you put a picture of him from five years ago next to a picture of him now on that Faces of Meth poster, it'd look legit. He looks like he got nipped by a zombie two hours ago and he's just now starting to turn.

Medicaid saves lives. Food stamps improves academic performance. Paid leave increases family income. Reductions in child poverty reduce crime. And the list goes on and on and on. It's not sending assistance, it's buying outcomes, like healthier children, more workers, higher test scores. 8/

if you wish you read more books and you like making little lists and you cannot for the life of you develop a consistent journaling habit, get yourself a little notebook where you keep track of all the books you read. trust me.

worth mentioning that i've seen a lot of women driving trucks, but i've never not once seen a woman driving a cybertruck.

the two big camps in dem politics right now are "just have some values and fight for them" and [smugly] "values? what are you, five?"

bald eagle season is BACK, baby

“And I’m like, what do you mean, you ‘do your own research’? You running a double-blind study in your living room, dawg?” - A guy walking ahead of me with his friends on a NYC sidewalk in 2021, also my favorite overheard dialogue of the entire pandemic

i think my son said his first word this morning, and i think that word was "asses"

I will quit my job and work for any candidate who promises to put the leadership of this administration in the same overseas gulag they've been shipping people to

the chorus from sweden's entry into this year's eurovision song contest is so catchy that it should legally qualify as a curse. bara bada bastu, bastu...please help me, it haunts my dreams

Oh you don't like the toadies? 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

at some point in your 30s, you'll see a bird and find yourself struck by the urge to learn what kind of bird it is. follow that urge. follow it until some early morning when you step outside, put your bare feet on dewy grass, close your eyes, and listen to a chorus of birds greet the dawn. trust me.

i would be honored to smoke weed inside of scabby the rat

today's mood

[trying out a new recipe when husband walks into kitchen and asks me a question]

first bird of the new year was a golden-crowned kinglet. usually great (so cute!), but seems like a bad omen in context.

Happy New Year from invertebrates that look like fireworks. Credits Jellyfish: OET/Nautilus Live Anemone: Cathy Lewis Feather duster worm: Pauline Walsh Jacobsen Octopus: Schmidt Ocean Institute

sesame street isn't supposed to make money. the post office isn't supposed to make money. not everything is supposed to MAKE MONEY

hey quick question does anyone know how to get a baby to stop farting (do not suggest "cork")

Is it nice to make those jokes? Not particularly. But we live in a society that has trained us not to expect compassion when misfortune befalls us, only ruinous bills, corporate indifference, and disrespect. To demand a performance of niceties from those denied the barest humanity is grotesque.

oh NO

"pumpkin has lots of fiber in it so technically pumpkin pie is a health food" she said, scowling defensively from behind a large slice of breakfast pie

become ungövernable

i fear i have doomed bjorn to a life of avoidable paperwork snafus by giving him a name that is supposed to have an umlaut over one letter

first nelly gets eliminated from GBBO, now this...when will it end...

Always 💖 Don't make me tap the sign

seeking applicants for a temporary position where you hang out with me today while i work and open-hand slap me in the face if i check the news or social media. this opportunity is unpaid but getting to slap someone in the face today seems like its own reward

when does a meat sauce become a chili

We called it mansplaining when penis gallery was *right there*

if we're gonna allow sports gambling websites to advertise on tv, then we should allow ads for cocaine and cigarettes too. it's only fair.

#2 is a recent photograph of me

It's annoying when someone uses a comma where they should have used a semicolon, but it's truly distressing when someone uses a semicolon where they should have just used a period.

trend alert: eating little bresaola and ricotta sandwiches for all three meals